I've returned from trip to Boston. Had a really great time. I listened to both my dds perform and I'm very grateful for the experience. I needed the time to myself to reflect. I can see that I was reacting to the stress of life in the past couple of weeks, which pushes my control button. I'm feeling much more detached and open now, which is a good thing because it's my birthday today! I'm looking forward to having drinks with a girlfriend tonight. H texted me first thing this morning wishing my a happy bday.
Originally Posted By: labug
Could have have looked elsewhere because he was hearing you were never satisfied?
I appreciate all your advice, labug, but I don't accept this statement. I understand it and can strive for forgiveness based on this understanding, but I'll never accept that my actions caused him to look elsewhere. H is responsible for his own actions. I'm grateful I can understand the ingredients to this recipe, but H's moral failure is his own. Can I love him in spite and through this ordeal? I'd like to think so and I know I couldn't have a year ago, so I'm glad, in a way, to have my feelings challenged. It is true I'm a better version of myself now. Unfortunately, it's hard to see how H can ever be a better version of himself without taking responsibility for his actions. And yes, azguy, that's a dealbreaker for me.
But I'm okay with things for today. I extended trust while gone and H came and went from my house, don't know what he did but I came home actually not worried about it. Haven't noticed anything amiss and it was a good first step towards trust. He washed my car and filled it with gas so that's a win!
H picked me up from airport and we had about 2 hours before dds plane arrived. We got some dinner and talked, it was really good for about the first hour. Then he seemed to withdraw and I overcompensated by talking too much. It's okay, it's again a new skill to be able to live in the moment and see the reality of the situation instead of reacting to the negative feelings.
D15 came home withdrawn and irritated (overly tired and she started liking a boy on the trip) and I needled her too much on the way home from the airport. H kind of snapped at me 'let her speak'. I'm a big teaser and it gets worse when I'm tired or nervous. This was the text conv with H last night, when talking about dds' trip.
Me: ... d15 was grumpy and had bad attitude last night but she was better and ready to open up tonight. On her terms & that's okay.
H: I could tell last night that she wasn't in the mood to share so much and when you and d18 cut her off, it pissed me off a bit because 1) you guys always do it and 2) she rarely opens up. I'm glad she finally said something to you. I hope it inspires her to keep working hard.
Me: I'm glad you said something. We just talked about interrupting again tonight. And I've realized over the last 6 mo that I'm not as good of a listener as I always thought I was. Something I'm working on.
This is improved communication for us. In the past, he probably wouldn't have said anything. Or if he had, I would've taken it personally and sulked. And we definitely wouldn't have discussed the situation calmly afterwards.
Lastly, I had benign breast tumor in 2009 and went to doctor yesterday and have another mass in the same breast. So I have to go through the ultrasound and mammogram in 2 weeks and likely lumpectomy afterwards. I'm not too worried about the health aspect, but it sure triggered the memories from 2009 when we were more unsure of the results and H's desperate tears and him saying "what would I do if I lost you?". I'll remember that forever.
Here's an interesting reflection: in 2009 I had to believe it was nothing to get through it . And it was nothing. But I can see now that I may have 100% discounted H's feelings about the situation. And my own. I didn't tell anyone except H, I didn't address or talk about any of my own fears, I ignored H's fears, and it was done & no big deal.
So to have to go through the same thing now without H brought up a lot of feelings yesterday. But I don't want to live the same way, ignoring feelings. So I called H last night and told him the news. He was very concerned and supportive, offered to take the day off of work and take me to appointment. I declined, but it felt good to tell him. And I didn't joke about it, which is my way of dealing with things and it actually took effort to not make a self effacing joke. I accepted his support and told him that it meant a lot to me. I admitted that I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him or not, but I knew I'd want to know if something was happening to him. And he said he was really glad I told him. It seems another step towards rebuilding trust in some way. He texted a couple times afterwards asking if d18 could take me. I was worried that telling him would be seen as guilt or sympathy inducing, but it feels okay now.
I agree with IO comments, I like this version of me better. I feel kinder and am working at being softer. My expectations feel in check this week so it's all good.
I'm extremely grateful for the support of this board, for I don't think I would've grown so much without it.
