Help & Advice Needed Please (Thread 3)

[T1000]

So why don't you find something to do on the odd Sat/Sun or go away for the weekend and say you would like to swap some days with her. Say you need her to have S. Let her pick the days if it helps.

If you pull it off she might get a taste of real life. You get some serious GAL and you also appear like you have a life that you enjoy.
Obviously there are consequences to every action and it might mean S spending the day/weekend with OM with W.

[Intact]

Yes I know what you mean and regarding the consequences - I honestly believe the last thing S needs at the moment is to meet OM - his relationship with my W is already severly fractured.

I have just emailed her actually:

"W,
S mentioned a few times recently that he doesn't get too see you much etc. I understand it's difficult with your work but do you think we'd be best served to have a look at the arrangements?

Perhaps you could change the 2 days you work, or have S on different days? It seems a shame (for him) that 2 of the weekdays you have him - you are at work so don't see him until late (if at all).

Please let me know what you think.

Thank you - have a nice day."

[Papa4Life]

Very well phrased. Not a hint of anger or blame. I think she'll respond well. Nicely done.

And it demonstrates a great deal of love and concern for your S, as well. That's great to see, and your S will certainly appreciate that.

[Intact]

Thank you Papa4Life I appreciate that.

I actually think she will respond with something along the lines of "I think it is about time our Son met OM" but we'll see.

[T1000]

"I think it is about time our Son met OM" but we'll see."

Maybe, who knows. Either way it sounds like your S and his M need a better relationship than they have now.

Chin up Intact, that email was spot on.

[Intact]

Thanks T1000 we'll see what she says.

You're spot on my W and S need a better relationship - times gone by she was such a wonderful Mother. It's amazing really how quickly people can change.

Lets hope it brings about a positive change.

[kingdl]

Your story from the last day sounds like you are trying to change your wife. It seems to me that you don't like W spending time with OM so you are trying to get W to spend time with S instead. I think you are focusing too much on W rather than yourself and your S.

You can't force your W to have a R with S just as you can't force her to have R with you. If you think that W is not being a good mother for your S, then be a better father. Be the strength in your family. Don't try to push responsibility on her that she's not trying to take. How will your W see this situation? Will she see you as being manipulative and trying to control her life? How will this improve your R?

Forget OM. Truth is, you can't compete. Haven't you heard that most A burn out in about 6 months. She will eventually see faults in him (maybe even the same she saw in you). She needs to see them by herself in her own time. Any interference from you give her a reason to blame and hurt you more. Be the best you can be for yourself and your S.

I know I don't give the best advice, but I worry that you are focusing more on W than yourself.

[T1000]

She is able to do whatever she wants with all her time because Intact provides her with the opportunity by having S whens she isn't working.

She is spending all her time with OM because she can.

Maybe my advice isn't what should be done. I don't think I could be so accommodating to what she wants.

[Spartan]

You can't control what your W does or who she sees. You also can't force her to have a better R with your S. The only things you can do is have a great R with your S and make sure you don't do anything to purposely damage the relationship between your W and S. I went through something similar recently and someone told me that I can't rely on my W right now because she just isn't in a place to handle our kids emotions so I had to step up and do everything. I think the same applies to you at this time. With that I did like the e-mail you sent because she needs to understand but just don't expect anything to change from her end. It didn't for me when I reached out...

It [censored] because I know you want what you feel is best for them but there really isn't anything you can do. You have to let her go to find her own way. Maybe she'll figure it out, maybe she won't. The one thing for sure is if you continue to stay so connected to it you will drive yourself crazy.

Just continue to GAL, build a strong R with your S, and try your best to not think about what your W is doing. It will get easier with time.

[Papa4Life]

I think the responders all have a good point - the W might feel that it's an attempt to manipulate her or control her free time. But that is beside the point, really, because Intact is communicating a need that his S has that his W has the duty as a parent to fulfil. What she does about that is up to her.

I would be willing to bet that Intact is fully prepared for the eventuality that she won't be able or willing to make any concessions for her S at this time, but I don't think that means he should just bite his tongue to avoid possibly upsetting her. His S is *already* upset. Intact will keep on doing the great job he's been doing with his S, and I'm sure that he'll step up to give him extra support during this tough time. But I don't see the point of not bringing this up just to avoid W getting angry at him.

What do you think, intact?