Good that you can see that there were a few things that you could have done better.. It's a learning process.
Yes, in your wife's eyes, the M is over. That is how she feels today. It doesn't mean that is how she will always feel. But I find your choice of words interesting.. How you weren't in the mood to humour her... You telling her no crying in public.. It does sound as though you were treating her like a child rather than your spouse. And I'm not sure what you mean by "kill switch". Does this mean you would just ignore her?
It's good that you're starting to recognize some of your misgivings.. Be prepared to dig deeper.
(((( ))))
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
What I mean is I don't really feel as though I should have to pretend i'm ok with something i'm not. Doesn't mean i'm right just means that i'm not ok with discussing her moving out. I do understand though, that it can come of as brash or belittling. By "kill switch" I mean go into protect me mode and shut down on the whole idea of leaving myself open to be let down. This is extremely painful and I just don't like it. This is new for me... I don't want to put out the wrong impression of me, maybe I could have chosen a better word rather than humor. I just know that the brevity of this situation has taken ever ounce of energy I have... The serenity prayer has never been so real to me as it is at this point in my life. I'm trying.
As far as recognizing my errors, trust me they are very evident. The fact that i'm using this medium is progress in itself. I'm even keeping a journal and it has been very cathartic. Thanks for your advice.
I get it. It is very painful and not something we aniticipate and therefore can't prepare.
What I wanted you to hear.. Wasn't that I was judging you by saying you're an awful person.. It was more to give you an outside look and what your wife may be feeling. The self-preservation mode.. Though effect sometimes comes off as indifference which is not the message we intend to portray.
It's ok to not want to talk about something while emotions run high.. In fact it's better to postpone.. But maybe saying something along the lines of "I understand this talk is very important to you. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Could we agree on a later time to discuss it?". In my own experience I have learned that the only way I can discuss finances and emotionally charged subjects with H is through email because I usually end up in tears and H becomes defensive and walks out.
Understand. I'm the communicator in the house, my wife tends to be more on the quite side. I communicate I think o-k... I can definitely do better though. She is more of an email person also and I usually respond the way your husband does but I have a HORRIBLE habit of dominating the conversation. Wow, that was just an epiphany. Maybe I am a little too domineering. :-( I really don't try to be.
Well, after what turned to be a melt down for me last night i'm going dark. I'm moving out soon. She said she would leave and I'd get a roomate but I don't want that because it will require her to still pay certain things were i'm at and I don't want that. I pay child support from previous marriage and I can't afford to stay in the home by myself.
I don't know what the future holds but what I do know is what has been can be no more. I honestly don't like that she doesn't see that we have both contributed to the degredation of our marriage but all she see's is me and I don't want to start to resent her. So, having said that i'm leaving. Ill continue to post but i've released it and all I can do now is be the best me I can be.
The funny thing with me is i'm a Personal Trainer and a Football Coach and my gifting is motivation, yet I can't motivate myself out of a wet paper towel right now. Continue to pray for me guys as i'm praying for you. Continue to motivate and strive to be better than we were the day before...
Understand. I'm the communicator in the house, my wife tends to be more on the quite side. I communicate I think o-k... I can definitely do better though.
My W is a HORRIBLE communicator. I didn't realize until RetroV that because of it, I had been engaging in extensive mind-reading. She wouldn't tell me anything, so I was guessing. And RetroV taught me that I was almost always guessing wrong. I wish we had done RetroV years ago, it gives some great communication tools and I really believe it would have saved our M. Unfortunately for us it was too late by the time we did go.
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but I have a HORRIBLE habit of dominating the conversation. Wow, that was just an epiphany. Maybe I am a little too domineering.
I think that, like me, you were just doing the best you could when dealing with a poor communicator. Don't be too hard on yourself, I doubt that's what brought your M to this place.
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I honestly don't like that she doesn't see that we have both contributed to the degredation of our marriage but all she see's is me and I don't want to start to resent her.
Believe me, we ALL wish our WAS could see their contributions and that it's not all the LBS's fault. But they can't, they're in a fog and they don't see clearly.
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yet I can't motivate myself out of a wet paper towel right now.
Totally normal to feel that way. Just try to remember, this isn't the real you. This is a you that is sad/ depressed because of your sitch. The real you will come back, but you've got to be patient because it takes time to recover. I was in that deep, dark pit of despair mere months ago, but today I'm happier and more content then I've been in many years, since well before BD in fact. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your M. Then work on yourself. In time your W may look back, and by then hopefully she'll see a strong, confident you that is content in life whether living it with or without her.
So last night W tells me that I don't have to be the one to move she will, that way i'd still be able to see my kids on the normal weekends I have them. If I have a roomate that's not very feasible. Although, this sounds like a great plan it will require too much interaction I think. I'd rather move and see my babies on the weekends at my ex's house.
I'd put our place online for roomate just in case I decided to stay and I got a few hits from all females recently seperated. So last night my W says
W: If you want to stay cool just let me know, I'm just thinking about you and the kids
M: Um, I really think it's best I just leave.
W: Well, if you change your mind late me know sooner rather than later
W: If need be you can advertise for a male roomate.
The thing is I don't have a problem with a female roomate. Just thought that was strange. Like her way of tryn to control my actions??
Thannks I'm def trying and I will succeed. I've never been very patient! lol. I'm so used to getting what I want when I wanted it. But boy i'm I learning a thing or 2!
1. Read 37 rules early and often 2. You stated early on youve been snooping- make sure you stop that 3. What does your gut tell you about someone else? 4. Dont try to "patch things up"- if she needs to leave YOU decide what the best option for housing is for YOU (not her) and go that route 5. If you feel as thou your getting heated in a convo with her- walk away. 6. From this point on ITS ALL ABOUT YOU
So Mr. motivator what are the specific short term goals (non relationship) that you have for yourself ???
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
