The Year of Seismic Activity

[Zoo]

Tal,

I hope you don't mind if I sorta include myself in this stage too. I realize I haven't been on the BB as long as many of you have but it is coming on the 1 year anniversary of my world falling apart too (I sludged along on my own for awhile) and I am experiencing a great deal of what the rest of you are talking about. I have been trying to keep it to my own thread because I didn't want to bring too many others down with me.

I have been wandering some if the anniverdary looming is triggering something in my subconscious. The more I read here and on Shiny and Sage's threads the more I'm beginning to believe that just may be what is happening. I am sub-consciously "cringing" in "anticipation" of what I experienced this time a year ago.

I have wondered as well where I am to find guidance through this stage. I have read DR until the spine is broken, the pages are well-thumbed and dirty and the cover is beginning to wrinkle. I pour over the web and still come up short. There has to be more to it then "just do what works". My big worry is that I will end up doing more harm then good.

don't recall anything that was specific to the stage that we are at! Can any of you? I know that much in those books dealt with the ideal, where the unfaithful partner is an ally--or even takes the LEAD--in healing the betrayed partner. I talks about that in Michele's books--how difficult is it for the one who caused the pain having to take the roll of the healer. Dr. Phil seems to point this direction too, with advice like: express that you are sorry every day for AS LONG AS IT IS NEEDED!

Hmmm...I don't even have this luxury. H has never apologised for his infidelity. He has never openly expressed any guilt concerning it either. I have often wondered if he is feeling guilt due to some of his actions or some things he has said but he has NEVER said "B I'm sorry I cheated on you, can you ever forgive me". I may have removed the necessity for that in his mind though since I forgave him sans an apology anyway. H did apologise for hurting me in regard to his treatment of me during the "bad time" so I try to take my consolation from that...that treatment hurt far more then the actual infidelity anyway.

Another scenario is what our MC was leading up to...have a ceremoney of sorts, then never speak of the infidelity again.

I like the idea of this but like you I am not one for denial either. I have told h I was not going to beat him over the head with his infidelity (and I haven't) but there was NO way I was going to treat it like some dirty little secret to be hidden away. In my mind that gives too much importance to it...it is easier for me to treat it as if it was NOTHING and hopefully H would see it as such too (does that make sense?)

We talk about things like:
Triggers of annaversaries
Post-tramatic type nightmares
Feeling the need to keep evidence of the affair
Feeling like we subjugate our emotions--protecting our spouses from our stuggles
Not believing that our partners are our allies in healing--feeling that we are alone--not feeling that we can ask for what we need
Dealing with the disparity of the person you thought you were married to--the person who betrayed you on the most intimate level in many ugly ways--and the person that we are now having a relationship with.

Have I left any major ones out?

I can think of one thing to add to this...FEAR. It is interwoven with all of those things you have mentioned. It is the fuel that spurs them all on. I can't speak for everyone but I get a sense of this from reading the threads...is the doubt not there for many of us; that despite all of the hard work, the seeming progress, the good that has come out of the sitch's; that all of this might have just been for nothing? We fear the POSSIBILITY of it all happening again?

I'm not talking about lack of trust or faith or anything of that nature. I want to know how to get past the fear of the POSSIBILITY. I realize there are no guarantees but as long as that POSSIBILITY looms in our minds will we not constantly be looking over our shoulders, anticipating triggers, micro-examining the details of conversations and actions? For me what I am experiencing now is very different from what I was experiencing when I was trying to get my M back. In some ways it is even more frightening... I don't think I have ever fought for something so hard before...I'm not just satisfied with having my M back, I want it BETTER and I don't know how to bring that about.

Maybe you should toss FRUSTRATION in there as well Tal??

hugz,
Zoo