Ah...Funkland. I too have moved rapidly from LimboLand to Funkland. I can't seem to shake the blues and my ever faithful companion - anxiety. I don't want this funk to affect my marital progress, either.
I periodically make quick, subtle references to my H about why I'm suddenly in an emotional fetal position. He seems quite understanding and even gives me an extra dose of affection when he sees me paddling in the pool of melancholia.
I'm still reticent to discuss "things" as openly as I'd like, and I too REALLY need to hear the WORDS "This will NEVER happen again". But alas - alack, it will need to come from him freely in order for it to have the proper impact. Humph!
If Wolfie is struggling with copious amounts of guilt and shame right now, it may not be possible for him to volunteer healing statements or bring up related topics - yet. His fear level may be as great as yours - believe it or not. If only we could visit the inside of their minds for a while. Then, of course, that might be an icky experience, so.....never mind.
You, Sage, Shiny and me, all seem to be going through very similar snags.
"Piecing our marriage back together again" should have a subtitle - "Piecing ourselves back together again".
I'm right there in "Funkland" with the rest of you guys...seems to me that the one big difference in this park's ride is that instead of having lots of loop-de-loops...it goes round and round in incesant circles. T2
{{{J}}} you were in my thoughts and prayers all day (and still now). This is HARD!
I have given up on witing to see if Wolfie will "get it" or "tune in" or spontaniously come up with much of anything! One thing I have had to learn the hard way is to gently force confrontations and ask for what I need--giving specific instructions and cue cards if necessary.
Those are things I never did before, and when I tried, I would be accused of being "controlling". What I was doing was holding things in until I blew up and made him defensive, or allowing things to go unresolved so long that things snowballed out of all proportion. He now says I can't let him off the hook so easily, so I don't.
I have to constantly remind myself that he's a typical guy: a stranger to his own emotional world, much less mine. I know I'm generalizing somewhat (only somewhat), but women tend to be emotionally complex and relationship oriented. We have a wealth of information about relationships because we talk to each other about R's and even other people's R's. Men rarely talk to each other or anyone else about their emotions or about R's. Basically, they are walking around blind and dumb, without the skills or knowledge to have a decent R.
Yes, I know there is a whole spectrum of men's capacities in this regard, but I have come to learn that Wolfie is handicapped. Gender aside, abusive parents and Viet Nam were enough to cause a great deal of emotional repression. In a lot of ways and I have to take the lead on much of this because I don't want to perpetually dissappointed or settle for less than a fulfilling relationship. I also want Wolfie to become healthier for his own sake, instead of being terrified of his own emotional world--terrified of vulnerability and intimacy.
So...I push gently, and give lots of rewards. GEEEEEZZZ...it sounds like dog-training or something! Bad Wolf, get down off the couch! Good Wolfie, here's a scratch behind the ears. Bad Boy, get down off that woman's leg! Good boy, come get a Scooby Snack.
ROFLMAO!!!!! I just remembered the last time we went to Barnes & Noble, he showed me a book called "100 ways men are like dogs". I said I thought is was male-bashing and insulting. No....I'm rethinking that and realized that maybe he was trying to tell me something!
Quote: GEEEEEZZZ...it sounds like dog-training or something! Bad Wolf, get down off the couch! Good Wolfie, here's a scratch behind the ears. Bad Boy, get down off that woman's leg! Good boy, come get a Scooby Snack.
Your dog analogy, and the fact that your H is called "Wolfie", brought this memory to mind.
I had an encounter when I was sixteen and still living with my parents.
It was in the dead of winter on a dirt road that ran along the edges of our ranch way up in the Rockies. I was approached by an unusual wolf. He was a stunning sight as he glowed in the Montana moonlight, covered completely in white, glistening fur. He stared at me as though he knew me, and showed no fear as I slowly rode past him. He was so close, that if I had had the window down, I probably could have touched him.
He appeared once again nearly a mile away, close to the road as before, and I possessed a moment of unwavering knowledge - that he was waiting there for me. (I have yet been able to figure out how he beat me to that place so far up the road - and why?) He stood there very still as I slowly approached, and I was completely taken in by his wild and unconquerable eyes as he stared squarely into mine.
That experience is burned into my memory and lives on inside of me.
And because this happened in the same month and year as my H's birth, (not sure if it was the same day - can't remember things like that) and because my H has a strong affinity for wolves - I dubbed him my "White Wolf".
I am ALL FOR this new approach...it is grounded in solid behaviourism (a la your dog training analogy ), yet tailor made to the unique situation that is YOURS and WOLFIE'S.
You've mentioned more than once that what you're doing now might seem controlling...have you asked W? It sounds more like he's relieved when he unburdens himself.
Wolfie's life experiences (and genetics) HAVE, unfortunately, set him up to have difficulties with emotions, expressing them, identifying them, sharing them...perhaps he NEEDS this gentle prodding (very different from the former..."let it build up and blow" technique)...
Perhaps it will help him to tune in, and turn to you.
Jeannine: That's a wonderful story about the wolf in your youth. It has very special meaning for you, I'm sure. European's brought a great deal of fear about wolves over with them (who knows--maybe European wolves are an aggressive variant, or maybe they got rabies--whatever).
In North America, I don't think there has ever been a reported case of a wolf attacking a human. Wolves are very intelligent (domesticated dogs are retardations of wolves) and very social. They live for the existance of their pack, particularly the cubs. Only the Alpha Male and Alpha Female have cubs, all the other adults shut down their reproductive instincts and communally care for the cubs. There is definately a pecking order in the social structure of wolves, but the one lives for the all. Wolves can also be very controlling. I don't know if you've ever met a wolf that lives with humans or a wolf-breed dog. The claim a territority MUCH larger than a dog would. They will try to take YOU for a walk, not the other way around.
My H and I both have an enduring respect and fascination with wolves. We do not see them as dangerous creatures at all. Instead, they are beautiful, brave and loyal cousins.
I knew that you would connect with my recount of the white wolf. This is not something that I talk to others about. It was a privileged experience and one that I wish to protect.
As a matter-of-fact, you (and those who read your thread), are the only people I have shared this story with outside of my H. I know that you understand this.
Shiny, Sage, T2, Jeannine: I've been thinking about the many commonalities in the stages we are at. I know, from hearing from you all, that my thoughts and emotions are apparently normal--and that is a huge relief.
I have thought about how some would bring up stages of grief, but that doesn't seem to be a good fit. I am thinking back to the areas in DR and DB that cover recovering from infidelity. I am remembering much of what After the Affair said.
I don't recall anything that was specific to the stage that we are at! Can any of you? I know that much in those books dealt with the ideal, where the unfaithful partner is an ally--or even takes the LEAD--in healing the betrayed partner. I talks about that in Michele's books--how difficult is it for the one who caused the pain having to take the roll of the healer. Dr. Phil seems to point this direction too, with advice like: express that you are sorry every day for AS LONG AS IT IS NEEDED!
Another scenario is what our MC was leading up to...have a ceremoney of sorts, then never speak of the infidelity again. I was having some real difficulty with this tact, as I am a process-oriented person, and don't do well with denial.
I wish we could get Michele to help us address some of the specific areas we are dealing with in this particular page of piecing!
We talk about things like: Triggers of annaversaries Post-tramatic type nightmares Feeling the need to keep evidence of the affair Feeling like we subjugate our emotions--protecting our spouses from our stuggles Not believing that our partners are our allies in healing--feeling that we are alone--not feeling that we can ask for what we need Dealing with the disparity of the person you thought you were married to--the person who betrayed you on the most intimate level in many ugly ways--and the person that we are now having a relationship with.
Quote: I've been thinking about the many commonalities in the stages we are at. I know, from hearing from you all, that my thoughts and emotions are apparently normal--and that is a huge relief.
Most DEFINITELY "normal"! Isn't that almost kind of scary?!
Quote: We talk about things like: Triggers of annaversaries Post-tramatic type nightmares Feeling the need to keep evidence of the affair Feeling like we subjugate our emotions--protecting our spouses from our stuggles Not believing that our partners are our allies in healing--feeling that we are alone--not feeling that we can ask for what we need Dealing with the disparity of the person you thought you were married to--the person who betrayed you on the most intimate level in many ugly ways--and the person that we are now having a relationship with.
Have I left any major ones out?
These are ALL great things to talk about, and to try to find solutions for, that don't seem to be specifically addressed anywhere.
If we were to start looking at some of the "in depth" solutions to any of these topics, which ones do you think or feel would be the most important to tackle first? Or, might there be any that taking care of one thing might help to solve the other?
Where's a good place to start?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
