How to proceed with angry, almost-walkaway H?

[maji]

Hi, I'm thankful to have discovered DR and forum in my effort to save my marriage. At the same time, I'm also reading 5LL, His Needs Her Needs -- all of which are very eye opening. But I can't find advice for to a few areas that trouble me… Please, if anyone can offer some guidance, I'll be grateful.

1. His anger
My H has always been a gentle, patient, easy-going person, but he's emotionally repressed (due his childhood I think -- neglected by parents; he felt that he was a mistake). Through the years, I've noticed that he doesn't like to talk about feelings; will listen to me when I talk about my pain/feelings but shows zero empathy; bottles up his negative feelings, especially anger.

Since BD in March, we've made progress in repairing our M (see background below), but I've noticed that he's become impatient and prone to angry outbursts -- eg If I ask him to repeat what he'd said because I didn't catch it the first time round; or if I don't do what he wants me to do. This is very, very unlike him. He used to be all about pleasing me, and will willingly go along with my wishes -- I now realise that he'd probably sacrificed his "wants" all along to avoid conflict.

How do I deal with his anger? I'm guessing the resentment he'd repressed over the last year is surfacing. This is his revenge I suppose. I feel hurt and helpless. When he lashes out at me, I stay calm and say "ok" and bend to his will (whereas the old me will bristle and question his attitude and tone). Is this considered a 180? I'm uncomfortable being such a doormat, and I don't want to teach him that it's ok to treat me like this. Can I calmly ask him to check his tone or will it backfire on me???

2. He wants independence
At this point, H is willing to try even though he's scared and uncertain whether we can work things out. I sense that he's not fully committed to reconciliation. During one of the dialogues for Retrouvaille, he wrote that the obstacle to commitment is his need to be alone and be independent (to go anywhere he wants to, see anyone he wants to, without telling me).

I now think he felt controlled to a certain extent in our M (that he can't do something if I don't let him) even though I have NO intention of controlling him at all. Eg: he recently revealed that if I comment that a particular item is expensive, he'll feel that he's not allowed to buy it. I was silently horrified that such comments have such an effect on him.

What do I do to show him that he has space to be himself in our M? And that I'll still love him even if he does things I wouldn't do? My T said he's wanting to "grow up" and make decisions for himself. I've no problems with that. The only thing I'm afraid of is him pursuing other women. Does anyone know of any resources I can read up on? Is anyone going through something similar in their M?

3. Some background
On BD day (in March), H told me he wants a D, started to pack his bags and almost walked away. He said he'd lost his passion for me, I won't change, marriage was a mistake etc. I had no idea that some of the things I'd said (criticisms) had hurt him so deeply and that he was THAT unhappy in our R. Through shock and tears, I persuaded him to stay and give our M a chance. He agreed (reluctantly).

To make a long story short, I've been frustrated in my M over the last two years because I was going through a rough patch in my career and yearned for emotional support from H. He's a good partner in many ways and takes good care of me physically, but he does not have empathy for what I was going through. He tends to block off feelings (both his and others'). Some of that frustration and stress spilled over to our daily interactions.

Two months before BD, there was a near EA -- he became infatuated with an ex-colleague after talking to her on her last day at work, and had "pursued" her over text messages. I found out a few days after BD and calmly confronted him and requested him to stop contact. He again agreed (reluctantly). But he felt no remorse for pursuing her.

Since then, I've asked him to fill out the "love busters" questionnaire and have been doing 180s on his complaints: I was critical and sometimes made selfish demands; not enough affection, appreciation, sex etc. He feels that he can't meet my expectations, that he's not good enough.

We've gone through through the Retrouvaille weekend and are still in the post sessions. I'm thankful that we can talk, laugh, date and generally enjoy each other's company most of the time. Recently, he told me that he's noticed the changes in me, but he still feels scared -- he asked me not to hug/kiss/touch him. Not yet.

How do I meet his top 2 needs for affection and sexual fulfillment when right now he doesn't want me to touch him??