{{{J}}} you were in my thoughts and prayers all day (and still now). This is HARD!
I have given up on witing to see if Wolfie will "get it" or "tune in" or spontaniously come up with much of anything! One thing I have had to learn the hard way is to gently force confrontations and ask for what I need--giving specific instructions and cue cards if necessary.
Those are things I never did before, and when I tried, I would be accused of being "controlling". What I was doing was holding things in until I blew up and made him defensive, or allowing things to go unresolved so long that things snowballed out of all proportion. He now says I can't let him off the hook so easily, so I don't.
I have to constantly remind myself that he's a typical guy: a stranger to his own emotional world, much less mine. I know I'm generalizing somewhat (only somewhat), but women tend to be emotionally complex and relationship oriented. We have a wealth of information about relationships because we talk to each other about R's and even other people's R's. Men rarely talk to each other or anyone else about their emotions or about R's. Basically, they are walking around blind and dumb, without the skills or knowledge to have a decent R.
Yes, I know there is a whole spectrum of men's capacities in this regard, but I have come to learn that Wolfie is handicapped. Gender aside, abusive parents and Viet Nam were enough to cause a great deal of emotional repression. In a lot of ways and I have to take the lead on much of this because I don't want to perpetually dissappointed or settle for less than a fulfilling relationship. I also want Wolfie to become healthier for his own sake, instead of being terrified of his own emotional world--terrified of vulnerability and intimacy.
So...I push gently, and give lots of rewards. GEEEEEZZZ...it sounds like dog-training or something! Bad Wolf, get down off the couch! Good Wolfie, here's a scratch behind the ears. Bad Boy, get down off that woman's leg! Good boy, come get a Scooby Snack.
ROFLMAO!!!!! I just remembered the last time we went to Barnes & Noble, he showed me a book called "100 ways men are like dogs". I said I thought is was male-bashing and insulting. No....I'm rethinking that and realized that maybe he was trying to tell me something!
