Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Just journaling...

I had a rough emotional night with S9 tonight. H called to talk to him and S14. I guess after the discussion H and I had this morning he decided to reinforce with the children that he would never be coming back home. I hate the way he handles things with them. S9 asked him this morning why he couldn't and H said because your Mom doesn't say things like "good night". S9 says that is a dumb reason of why he would leave and that he says a lot of dumb reasons like that all the time.

S9 then proceeded to ask me if I had heard of marriage counseling and if I knew what it was. I told him I did and asked him what he knew. The boy knows everything...lol! He asked why me and H would not go, and All I could say was that it takes two people to want to go. He said "yeah and Dad doesn't want to go".

He cried a lot. I couldn't help but cry with him. And then S14 came in the room and shed tears as well. S9 blamed himself, and I told him that without a doubt it was not is fault and that I knew H loved him and his brother very much. He asked me why were things like this and at the time all I could think of and get out was that I wasn't what H wanted anymore and it was all my fault. I told him that I would understand if he was angry and he and s14 said they were angry at H, and that maybe H just isn't good enough for me because I am a great person. I lost and bawled like a baby while both of my sons coddled with me on the couch. They cried, I cried, and they both told me that it wasn't my fault.

I told them that we should all just want H to be happy, which they agreed, but wish he was happy at home. They feel he is happy without all of us, which is why they are angry. I told them that we would all be okay and we could be happy too. More tears.

We went through a half a box of tissues tonight. I am still tearing as I write this.

I wish that I could take the pain away from my kids. Clearly they are more mature than I realized and hold a lot of pain deep within them. This kills me. I will never, ever be able to do anything for them to ease the pain.

There were more things said that I just couldn't believe. S9 said that he is having a hard time trusting H because of lies he has caught him in. He also feels that h doesn't love him like he loves S14, because he won't do things for him like his brother, like coach soccer next year. I told him all that was untrue, and that h calls and talks to them all the time because he loves them so much. S9 said yeah, but it is not the same as with him being home.

This hour long cry fest and emotional venting has beaten us up. The boys immediately went to bed afterwards and practically fell asleep as soon as they got in bed.

I am here journaling some more of the pain away...I hope that one day I can look back and say " see how far we have come". "We got through that" and hope that we are all better for it.

I am feeling really drained right now. So much has happened in the last five days that I just can't take anymore right now. I am going to hopefully sleep the hurt, pain, and despair away tonight, and be better by morning. I will say a prayer for my children that they will feel better by morning too. I will even pray for H and hope that his MLC brain comes to its senses soon.

Have a goodnight everyone. I will be praying for everyone here too!