I think what I got from it is to ask direct questions. I am afraid of those answers so I ask questions designed to get the answer I want. Manipulation 101. Maybe I'll teach a class.
Regarding emotional misery, it's mainly when regretting the past or fearing the future, so he says stay in the present moment. The present moment suks I say. (spell it right and its censored...weird) That's where the frustration comes in. When something suks I want to change it. Now. That's why I'm pushy.
My plan was to figure out where S16 was after C, so I texted her Hi. That's how we usually do it...instead of starting off with what we want to say. Instead of her normal Hey what's up? She said S16 says he's with friends. I asked if she knew who and where and she was trying to find out. Then he's with D18. Then I asked when can we talk about this situation? She said she's off next Thursday. I said me too.
So now I have directly asked for a time to discuss S16. I will also ask directly why she has consulted L.
That may seem like a dumb ? But I do want to hear it directly from her. The mindreading is exhausting and stressful. Some part of me still must be an optimist, because I don't want to assume she will D. Maybe it's denial. Then again I have no assertion from her, only my reading her actions.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Just worked a night shift. On break, around 2:15 am, walked across street for coffee. From afar I saw D18 & S16 coming out of the store I was heading to. What are they out at this hour for thinks my dad brain. Walked toward car to say hi. Didn't even speak or act like they knew I was there. The only person who made eye contact was a kid I've never seen waiting in the car.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Just because I don't cry for a day doesn't mean I'm any better emotionally. It seems to be twice as strong the next.
I haven't seen my S16 or D18 or W in almost 2 weeks. At least 10 days. Other than when I saw S & D and they shunned me. S has returned 2 text messages I think regarding his whereabouts.
W agreed we could meet this week to "discuss the situation" re:S and what's best for him. Without L or mediation. My assumption is she got L, so she wants what she wants and assumes I'll disagree and doesn't care what I think is best for S.
I will be asking also what her further intentions are with L, to possibly get some direct communication for once. I also want to know if she's considered the lifelong ramifications of a D.
I am using terse language to try to avoid getting emotional.
I am as fearful now as I was the first time we met after bomb drop.
C is unavailable this week due to my work schedule. Probably will visit pastor tomorrow. I'm looking for wisdom. I am mad as a hornet, still want to save the M.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Just because I don't cry for a day doesn't mean I'm any better emotionally. It seems to be twice as strong the next.
I haven't seen my S16 or D18 or W in almost 2 weeks. At least 10 days. Other than when I saw S & D and they shunned me. S has returned 2 text messages I think regarding his whereabouts.
W agreed we could meet this week to "discuss the situation" re:S and what's best for him. Without L or mediation. My assumption is she got L, so she wants what she wants and assumes I'll disagree and doesn't care what I think is best for S.
I will be asking also what her further intentions are with L, to possibly get some direct communication for once. I also want to know if she's considered the lifelong ramifications of a D.
I am using terse language to try to avoid getting emotional.
I am as fearful now as I was the first time we met after bomb drop.
C is unavailable this week due to my work schedule. Probably will visit pastor tomorrow. I'm looking for wisdom. I am mad as a hornet, still want to save the M.
Be strong. I have been there, and while it will be tough, the not knowing is even harder. Make sure that you state your best interest and don't be a doormat.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
You wanted to get a mediator to talk about what is best for S16 at this time. What do YOU think is best for S16? (validate) (he has been staying w/her at OM. Another school zone so don't know how he's getting to school, if. No bus service to his school. School has called, emailed me about attendance problems)
How are you getting him to school?
Do you think it's ok for him to be out at 230am?
OM is a convicted drunk driver who was recently incarcerated. Can you understand my resistance to having S ride anywhere with him?
Do you think this sitch will affect S16 long term re:his respect for you, future R and trust w/women, etc.?
What is your intention w/L?
When did u reach this conclusion? (assuming D)
How?
Do you think this will affect kids long term w/ similar issues mentioned above?
Is this what's best for you?
How do u know?
If you could have a crystal ball, se e into the future, and know what option would give everyone the best life, would you choose that option, no matter what it was?
We don't have a crystal ball, but we have examples, history, scripture, wisdom from the ages, that overwhelmingly point to a certain choice, or set of steps. Try it?
The last two rely on logic, which is in short supply. Thoughts from vets or those who know my sitch?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Stick to questions about your son and don't be accusatory.
What do YOU think is best for S16? (not because it's validating, because you want to know)
Is he going to school? The school has contacted me about absences so I'm confused.
And then let the conversation unfold.
The rest of your questions need to stay in your head for now. They are all about how you're right and she's wrong.
Turn the pronouns around to suit your situation:
The Master sat through the complaints a woman had against her husband. Finally he said, “Your marriage would be a happier one my dear, if you were a better wife.” “And how could I be that?” “By giving up your efforts to make him a better husband.”
I wish you good luck. I know this is hard.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
labug, Do I EVER point out what is wrong? I'm afraid eventually, if not already, she'll talk herself into thinking this is all ok, the kids will not be affected, that life won't suck if she kills the M.
Im not the best person, and probably the worst person, to tell her these things and have her listen. But if not me, who?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Do you think she will have a revelation and smack her forehead and say "You're right, DM, I've been wrong all this time."?
You mean like the one I had when she dropped the bomb? That would be my hope. I know my frustration is showing, but it's not at you, labug. I thank you for your input here.
I am 2 hours away from our meeting and I still haven't decided how to go. Other than ask questions and don't preach. Dont accuse. Don't defend. Don't know if I'm strong enough. Don't even know if all of it is the best way to go. Don't know if I can sit and let someone say things that aren't true or don't make sense.
My W knows what is right, deep down. I believe that, and that one day she will wake up and regret what she has done. I just don't want it to be too late.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
