Woah...very bad PMA day yesterday and I am still reeling from it. I have been trying to buck up for annaversary time, remind myself of my gratitude list, tell myself "it's just another day so don't be a Drama Queen about it".

I have been trying so hard to heal my own pain, not wallow in it, for the sake of saving my R for a very long time. I have been so good at "acting as if" at times that I should be nominated for a Golden Globe. In the process of doing that, I often deny my own pain and anger, and resentment builds up that I am working so hard to protect Wolfie's feelings from MY feelings that he caused by his actions.

Anyway, yesterday--even with all of the thought-stopping techniques were useless as pain and anger and crappy memories came up in tidal waves.

I spent awile talking to T2 and some of the things that came up in that conversation was feeling forever changed by the bomb. I literally felt like my spirit had been ripped out of my body--and it took a long time to pull it back in. My spirit had been changed though, and I can't deny that I am forever altered by the events.

I still don't feel whole. I am piecing myself back together and trying to heal, but it is a much slower, more frustrating process without my mate being an ally in the process.

He wants to minimize his actions. The story he has told me about his A doesn't fit realitiy and it doesn't fit some of the things I know. He wants to hide from true accountability. I also have a VERY hard time beleiving that he has had absolutely no conversations with the OW since he told her it was over. They work together, for God's sake, how could that be?

So, Wolfie calls from work at his usual time, and I couldn't bring myself to sound all cheerful, so he asked me what was wrong. I told him "bad annaversary date", and his voice drops to soft and low as it always does when we discuss "THE SUBJECT".

I told him that I really needed to hear a couple of things from him. I needed to know that he honestly comprehends how deeply I was hurt and is sincerely sorry.

He said, "I THINK I understand, but I probably don't really. Of course I am sorry, why else would I have gone through everything I went through--all that I went through to get you back?"

So I said I also needed to hear him swear to me that he would NEVER let this happen again. He said, "I am swearing it to you".

I said thanks, and he said "you're welcome" and we chit-chatted for awhile. Later, probably because I am in so deep in FUNK-LAND right now, I started to be annoyed about what he had said about "all he had went through to get me back". That strikes me as soooo self-centered, much less a perversion of history. As all of you who have been here for awhile know, my story was not about 9 months of him desperately trying to "get me back".

And since I'm feeling pissy, I was thinking about how he does R repair work on his terms, but dismisses the things I tell him are really important to me: like, for instance, not having all of his mail go to the P.O. box I asked him to get rid of before he even came home! GRRRRRR!


You all can pull out 2x4's, as I will be on myself all day to try to get back into DBing mode.

I wasn't just "another day". I hope it will be easier next year.