Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

Sounds like you have your head on straight, Tryin2figuritout. Thanks for your visit to my thread. Regarding:

"I like to think of that I've given in, but not given up." Someone told me it was acceptance without agreeance. (The same person told me it was the advice given for the state of mind cancer patients should have. Accept the condition of your reality, but don't agree that it controls you or your will to fight for what you want and think is right.)

Update:

On Sunday afternoon she asked me about how to fill out a W-4 form to turn into her employers and how to set up online bill-pay in her new bank account. I just went over the basics with her and agreed to help her set up whatever she needed (trying to be courteous). Most of the day I spent entirely with my girls. Church, park, a date with the oldest, then we came home and had dinner, started taking showers, winding down, and getting ready for bed. I helped the little one with brushing her teeth and finally tucked them all in.

In the afternoon she came to me and told me that she missed me. I just stood there...again, stoically. (I'm not supposed to talk about my feelings as I understand it.) So, I ended up just staring at her...actually it would be more accurate to say I was staring through her. Her eyes began twinkling and I eventually gave her a wink, which made her smile.

Later on she cornered me again...this time I relented. I told her that I did miss her too, but there were certain things I needed to figure out if I was "okay" with and that it wasn't prudent to pretend those things didn't exist. I did not say this in a jerky way, just as a matter of fact.

I recorded and watched the Pacers/Knicks game downstairs that evening, finishing it off after I had tucked the kids in (being with the kids all day delayed the game so I had to ignore my phone updates as well!). W was upstairs because we had a pipe burst over the weekend and the cleanup crew had 27 commercial grade fans and a few dehumidifiers in the downstairs, but the upstairs was comfortable enough so the family decided to stay there instead of piling into a hotel. With all the noise, I really did just "watch" the game as I couldn't hear anything over the fans.

At one point a few minutes before the game was over and I am going to leave, W comes down and stands behind the me sitting on the couch. I had my hands behind my head so my arms were up. She softly touched my forearms and as good as it felt, I knew it was temperature check time.

After a minute she came around the couch, sat on my lap, and began hugging me. She would occasionally kiss my head, but it was a long hug. Definitely a "move" by her, but I didn't counter the move in any way. Whew...that was tough. It was only a few minutes, but it seemed like forever because in my mind I was asking myself "am I going to be able to say no if she pushes further? how do I say "no" in the least rude way possible? Am I really going to say 'no'?!?!?" She eventually said she was going to get some sleep and headed upstairs.

I finished the game within a few minutes and - admittedly - played with fire by walking upstairs to let her know I was leaving. I gave her a hug, which she clung to, and then I broke away to leave. She extended her arm out to grab my hand. I held it for a moment and then let it slip as I said "get some rest."

Now I didn't have to come right out and say "no," but that was the first time I didn't jump at the first unmistakable sign of an offer to ML, so I suppose that was a step forward for me. As much as I enjoy it and miss it, not going through with it was the right thing to do.

I guess I'll have to wait and see how she reacts, but it really doesn't matter. I'm going to be me and do what I think is right and honorable. I had class last night and again tonight, so I won't see her again until tomorrow. Phone calls have been very typical...exclusively about kids and schedules. But that has been typical for her/us. She'll seem distant/put off, but then seemingly out of nowhere temperature check me and/or seek closeness.

I feel good about what I did. I think she is "getting" that things aren't the same for me. She's sad. She's lonely. I want to help, but I don't think it's best that I do. I'm there for her in other ways right now, and I'm respecting her request for space, even if she isn't able/willing to.

I do feel like she is reaching out to me for emotional support, and that I am not fully there for her. I am there in that I let her cry on my shoulder, and I reenforce my belief in her as a person and mother, but I have pulled back from being TOTALLY there for her. That is difficult for me to do, but maybe it's what needs to happen. At least, that's a piece of my 180.

Regards,

-PM