It's a bit surreal at the moment. Still a long way to go but things are looking up.
I find this board to be something that grounds me. I get good advice for life in general just reading about and sometimes helping others on here. Not going anywhere soon.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Definitely wish I never acted 'as if' that's for sure.
...makes me think!
Do you by now and after your talk believe that act-as-if can be so good that WAW simply believe we are gone?
I have several times posted that I was unsure if my W were sure about my standings in all of this! And I am still not sure!
I really wish from the bottom of my heart that when she told me she was dating I told her how that honestly made me feel. Too late now. What has happened AFAIK is because of this process good and bad. I might have said something, she thought he's still there waiting and her thoughts might have been totally different. Who knows.
But to answer your question, yes I do believe that acting "as if" can make them think anything that they can conjure up in their minds to why we don't seem affected by it all. They could think you have moved on, don't care, found someone else, had a mental breakdown...
Lets face it acting "as if" is pretty much acting that you are done. Unless they know otherwise why wouldn't they think we are done?
I think it's quite important that they know one way or the other that your not done but you are moving forward. I said this (stole off the forum) when she last mentioned D: "If you wish to pursue it then I can't stop you, right now I am still in a position of wanting to work on a new relationship with and as such I am not willing to initiate a divorce."
then this
"I live every day learning to be a better man for my family and for myself. I have come a long way and I still have far to go. Sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do but I do it anyway. When you told me you were dating I saw that as my cue to give you more space so thats what I have been doing."
Until I said this a few weeks ago she thought I was completely done. I don't see why this was her wake up call, it's not like I had been dark for weeks/months but it did do something. Stated my position of I'm not going to wollow and wait and I'm going thrive and keep a channel open for her in the future.
It's quite a fine balance but this statement does the job quite well. I didn't expect this reply to be so long but it got me thinking. Hope this helps.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Your answer gives me thoughts about my sit. Wonder how W perceives me and how she really is looking at me! I asked her yesterday but I wonder if I can trust the answer.
I will give this some braintime in the days to come!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I don't think you should ask her what she perceives, if you want her to know where you are tell her then carry on.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T1000, Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today buddy. I'm in Dallas for the weekend so in going to hit up Six Flags over Texas. I know you just overcame fears of roller coasters. I absolutely love them. Although there is one that has a 250 foot drop. That's one has me second guessing. Hope all is well
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Funny you should mention that. My W's family hail from Texas. After I told her about the roller coaster (210 feet), she said "That is the worst I've ever been on!" Then she said "Oh wait it's the 2nd worse one. The worst one is at Six Flags."
Lol
Things are good but it's still hard work knowing what to do day to day.
Good luck on that 250 feet!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I really wish from the bottom of my heart that when she told me she was dating I told her how that honestly made me feel. Too late now. What has happened AFAIK is because of this process good and bad.
Keep in mind that she's still a WAS. Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. She may say she dated because she didn't think you cared, but it's more likely that she's just making excuses, trying to make it sound like it's actually YOUR fault that she was messing around. I seriously doubt she thought you were done and had moved on.
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But to answer your question, yes I do believe that acting "as if" can make them think anything that they can conjure up in their minds to why we don't seem affected by it all. They could think you have moved on, don't care, found someone else, had a mental breakdown...
Lets face it acting "as if" is pretty much acting that you are done. Unless they know otherwise why wouldn't they think we are done?
Acting "as if" means maintaining a PMA, showing your spouse a content, happy you that is going to be fine in life whether with or without your spouse (but preferably with). It doesn't mean being cold and indifferent or ignoring your spouse, so if it's done as part of good DB'ing then the WAS may wonder if they -might- lose the LBS, but they're not going to think the LBS is done.
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I don't see why this was her wake up call, it's not like I had been dark for weeks/months but it did do something.
I'm not convinced there was a wake up call involved. It's more likely that when you gave her time and space and when she dated, she realized the grass wasn't greener elsewhere. But she likely came to this decision on her own as a result of getting that time and space.
You've seen some positive signs, but keep in mind that 5 days ago you posted this: "Even though the last week has been one of the hardest, it now feels like my sitch has hit rock bottom in a certain way." Just remember you're still DB'ing! Take it slow, let her set the pace. You're seeing some positive signs, but there are going to be a lot of ups and downs in piecing (if/ when you start piecing) just like there have been in DB'ing.
Originally Posted By: T1000
"Oh wait it's the 2nd worse one. The worst one is at Six Flags."
You must mean the Titan? It's not the worst, it's the bestest!!!! The kids and I get season tickets every year and Titan is a regular stop on our trips there. The Texas Giant is awesome too, since they remodeled it it's a fantastic experience! Can't say I'm a big fan of Batman and Mr. Freeze, I get vertigo on them. Love the big coasters though!
Its making me rethink my techniques. Your situation was going on longer than mine so really its about time and consistency. I will be in my own place as of June 1 so I hope the time apart will help us and not make things worse.
Keep up the great work!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
The kids and I get season tickets every year and Titan is a regular stop on our trips there. The Texas Giant is awesome too, since they remodeled it it's a fantastic experience! Can't say I'm a big fan of Batman and Mr. Freeze, I get vertigo on them. Love the big coasters though!