Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Thanks GM,

I am not sure he heard me...but it is the first time I have thrown that truth Bomb out there, and well, I just didn't care of his reaction to it or not. He plays Super Dad all the time, but doesn't handle the kids with father gloves. No discipline, no control, no communication. My H thinks he spends "time" with his kids and he has been an outstanding father...this could be farther from the truth.

I am sorry to hear that there is no relationship with your kids and their father...my sitch is getting that way, and honestly, I am not sure how I feel about it. I never wanted that, but I believe that H isn't capable of being a father, so my boys may be better off. Just something for you to think about....

[golf mom]

It's very difficult when there's no real parenting going on. When my H did see the boys it was for about an hour or two at a time. He would not spend time with them in our home and he quickly moved in with his gf (another town about 30 miles away) and knew he could not take them there. The boys said that after a while there was no emotional connection anymore and that the Dad they knew was gone. It's very sad.

[BRNR]

I am sorry GM. Totally understand the lost emotional connection. My boys feel the same way, talk about how Dad is a different person, and how they don't like being around him...and they see there Dad more often. It is very sad...everyone loses in this game. Just no way around it I suppose.

[BRNR]

So, no response on the email regarding the D yet. Not sure how it was received as H didn't even bring it up this morning.

My feeling of self empowerment is starting to wear off. Not sure what my next steps are other than to file for support should H not provide any money this week, which after the email, I am unsure if he will or not. I am thinking not, but these MLC'ers do crazy things...

Anyone else ever push for the D?

Oh, IDK, financially it made all the sense in the world and still does, but emotionally, it is tearing me up on the insides. I do have to worry about me and the children at this time, I am just concerned I have made things even worse...

Anybody can give me a pep talk that what I did was right...I am not feeling so sure now.

[job]

You may not get a response to your email for a while. Your h needs to digest it and he's thinking that if he remains quiet, you'll settle down. Keep in mind, they don't think like we do and sometimes they go into their shell for a while after we have stated what we need to do to protect our children and our assets.

Sit quietly and patiently. If he doesn't provide any money this week, move forward. You've advised him of what needs to be done and if you back down, he will think you are like the little boy who cried wolf all of the time.

Sometimes, we have to file in order to stay afloat. Stop second guessing yourself...you did what you needed to do and you've been more than fair while he's been out on the street. Now, it's time to take care of you and your boys.

[BRNR]

Stop second guessing yourself...you did what you needed to do and you've been more than fair while he's been out on the street

That is the slap I needed.

Guess it is all just a lot for me to digest myself too. That email for some reason felt like me closing the door...definitely a 180 to what I have been doing.

I took another step today and obtained car insurance under my own policy. I am currently on H's, and if he cancelled me, I would never know.

I do have to stop tying the emotional part with the legal part of this marriage...I guess just so much has happened in the past five days, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

[job]

It's a lot to take in, but you need to protect yourself financially. I'm glad to see that you are finally starting to move forward. Just because you are seeking financial assistance, per se, doesn't mean you are closing the door. You are trying to ensure that he is held accountable and has some responsibility towards you and the children. After all, they are his children too. He needs to face the consequences of his actions and one of those actions is stepping up to the plate and ensuring that his children have what they need to continue their current lifestyle, i.e., education, medical insurance, sports, etc. You can't carry the entire load yourself, nor should you.

You will need to learn to keep this as a business transaction for now and leave the emotions out of it. When people are emotional, they tend to make mistakes and get screwed over in the legal arena. Keep your focus on you and your boys and what you need to survive.

[golf mom]

I agree with everything Snodderly wrote. The number one thing that kept me feeling powerless and hopeless was not taking action. I was so afraid that anything I did would push my H further away. I was also afraid that he would withhold money as a way of punishing me. Even though I retained an attorney a year ago it's only recently that I have asked her to act proactively as opposed to just responding to H's attorney. He has been running the show. Once I got in the mindset of not backing down (thank you all you DBers that pushed me forward!) I haven't wavered. I feel less anxious. I could still lose on things I feel entitled to, but it will be because of a court order. I am no longer at H's mercy. That has been huge for me.

[AJM]

Not much to add. You've had quite the roller coaster of emotions, but you've handled yourself very well if you ask me. Standing up for yourself is important and it looks like you haven't for a while. Kudos, sister!

A few things to ponder. a) no matter how he acts or what he does, he is the kids father. No matter if you never talk to him again or not, he is the kids father. At some point in their lives, they will want to R with him. Even if they choose not to, they will want to. Don't ever forget that today is not tomorrow - he is what he is now, but may not always be that way. Keep your kids in mind when you speak about him to, around, and for them. It is that important to their well being in the future. b) You lobbed over a grenade of sorts. He was hit by all kinds of things yesterday (in his mind). He will digest them and lob it back. Don't be surprised. Don't get used to a pattern. He has the ball and he will pass it back at some point. Likely when you are ready for it the least.

Relax. Take a break. I'm very proud of how you handled that and took nothing from him. I suggest keeping that boundary as a permanent one, but remember what I said above about the kids future.

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Just journaling...

I had a rough emotional night with S9 tonight. H called to talk to him and S14. I guess after the discussion H and I had this morning he decided to reinforce with the children that he would never be coming back home. I hate the way he handles things with them. S9 asked him this morning why he couldn't and H said because your Mom doesn't say things like "good night". S9 says that is a dumb reason of why he would leave and that he says a lot of dumb reasons like that all the time.

S9 then proceeded to ask me if I had heard of marriage counseling and if I knew what it was. I told him I did and asked him what he knew. The boy knows everything...lol! He asked why me and H would not go, and All I could say was that it takes two people to want to go. He said "yeah and Dad doesn't want to go".

He cried a lot. I couldn't help but cry with him. And then S14 came in the room and shed tears as well. S9 blamed himself, and I told him that without a doubt it was not is fault and that I knew H loved him and his brother very much. He asked me why were things like this and at the time all I could think of and get out was that I wasn't what H wanted anymore and it was all my fault. I told him that I would understand if he was angry and he and s14 said they were angry at H, and that maybe H just isn't good enough for me because I am a great person. I lost and bawled like a baby while both of my sons coddled with me on the couch. They cried, I cried, and they both told me that it wasn't my fault.

I told them that we should all just want H to be happy, which they agreed, but wish he was happy at home. They feel he is happy without all of us, which is why they are angry. I told them that we would all be okay and we could be happy too. More tears.

We went through a half a box of tissues tonight. I am still tearing as I write this.

I wish that I could take the pain away from my kids. Clearly they are more mature than I realized and hold a lot of pain deep within them. This kills me. I will never, ever be able to do anything for them to ease the pain.

There were more things said that I just couldn't believe. S9 said that he is having a hard time trusting H because of lies he has caught him in. He also feels that h doesn't love him like he loves S14, because he won't do things for him like his brother, like coach soccer next year. I told him all that was untrue, and that h calls and talks to them all the time because he loves them so much. S9 said yeah, but it is not the same as with him being home.

This hour long cry fest and emotional venting has beaten us up. The boys immediately went to bed afterwards and practically fell asleep as soon as they got in bed.

I am here journaling some more of the pain away...I hope that one day I can look back and say " see how far we have come". "We got through that" and hope that we are all better for it.

I am feeling really drained right now. So much has happened in the last five days that I just can't take anymore right now. I am going to hopefully sleep the hurt, pain, and despair away tonight, and be better by morning. I will say a prayer for my children that they will feel better by morning too. I will even pray for H and hope that his MLC brain comes to its senses soon.

Have a goodnight everyone. I will be praying for everyone here too!