Moving forward with my life

[cbtdad]

Because I don't want to talk about it. What's the point? Bottom line is that she is in a relationship with someone else. I don't need to hear why she was lying. She doesn't need to know how i found out. Until we are working on the marriage why does it matter

[Mach1]

So lets burn through some posts here....

What is your goal ?

Is it reconciling ?

Or making the split permanent ?


Did you, or did you not, say that one of her complaints was that you were controlling ???

Did you, or did you not, JUST say, in the same sentence, that you were going to stop being controlling, and then make a very controlling statement to her ???


The importance of the words you choose, do play a part in this right now CB...

Your actions should be speaking, and yet you are still choosing words poorly to back them up....

And until they can match exactly, then you need to be very careful choosing them...

[Spartan]

I might have missed something here...

Why do you even feel the need to join her for dinner tonight?

What if something else came up that you'd rather do? I'm not saying hide from her, I'm saying find something else better to do.

[jp787]

Because I don't want to talk about it. What's the point? Bottom line is that she is in a relationship with someone else. I don't need to hear why she was lying. She doesn't need to know how i found out. Until we are working on the marriage why does it matter

Hey cbt, I agree now thanks to all the posting on your thread that it would not be helpful to talk about it, I learned something ;-)

That said, I think Mach1 is asking you to think about what words you choose if you end up needed to use them.

I think I want to tape record myself now and listen to everything I say, wow I really want to learn how to recognize my controlling words...

(Thanks again Mach1)

[cbtdad]

I'm not joining her for dinner. She said son was asking for me last night and she told him maybe we could do dinner tonight.
I did agree to pick up chicken and bring it to her moms. That way I can always leave if need be. I do want to see my son that is why. Especially since I'm leaving tomorrow for 5 days.
Mach,
My goal right now is to distance myself. Would I like to reconcile? Maybe if she works on herself and changes some things as well.
The person she had been the last 6-8 months is absolutely someone I do not want to be with. And the fact that I did not see that as a controlling statement is exactly why I told her that I do not want to involve myself with her or anyone new for that matter until I fix me. I have a made a lot of progress but i still have a long way to go.
No question lately it seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it to. She wants to have this new thing and lean on me for emotional support. That is something I will not do while she is involved with someone else. So the only way I know how to say that is to say there is nothing to discuss while you are involved with someone else.
I don't know how else to put it

[AnotherStander]

Because I don't want to talk about it. What's the point? Bottom line is that she is in a relationship with someone else. I don't need to hear why she was lying. She doesn't need to know how i found out. Until we are working on the marriage why does it matter

Here is my question to you- do you want to reconcile or are you finished? If you want to reconcile, then why do you not want to talk to your W? Because every talk you have is a chance to show her YOU have changed. It's a chance to LISTEN and VALIDATE.

Frankly even if you are finished you should still let her talk because you have a kid together. You're both going to need to get past all the hurt so you can at least be effective coparents.

[cbtdad]

AS,
I did want to have that talk for a little while yesterday. But the more I thought about it is the talk will revolve around how I know what I know and how she is confused and lost. She has broken down a couple times over the last few days.
I just think these talks right now are counter productive

[Jeack]

So the only way I know how to say that is to say there is nothing to discuss while you are involved with someone else.
I don't know how else to put it

What about. While your involved with someone else I think it would be best for both of us to keep our conversations solely about our son?

I know myself, and how I'm feeling if I was in that sitch I may say something that I'd regret later. So if your upset or angry don't put yourself in that sitchuation.

Who knows maybe by ditching dinner would be a 180 to her.

[cbtdad]

I appreciate that Jeack. That actually sounds a lot better.
I'm not angry or upset at all. I just don't want to discuss these things with her. This is for me. I need this space at this point.
I don't want to ditch dinner cause I want to be with my son before I leave town tomorrow

[adinva]

You control yourself, and what you talk about. You don't get to control what she talks about or what she asks you about. You don't get to stop her from bringing it up. "There is nothing to discuss" sounds like a statement of fact, as if your reality and what you would like to discuss gets to trump anyone else's reality. Not true, and controlling to say it that way. Learn to speak about what you will do and what you think, not "This is the truth, my opinion is the truth."

It is a difficult thing to grasp and learn, because it probably sounds like splitting hairs if you're used to communicating in a controlling way.

One suggestion would be, "I feel very hurt about [xyz] and I do not want to talk about it right now. I will go home if you bring it up again tonight." I don't see that as controlling, just protecting your reasonable boundary.