Thanks for the insight. I should just view it as a chance for a quality time moment instead of her not trusting me.
I was just going through 5LL for a second time and noted that Dr. Chapman mentions that when the spouse nags or criticizes the loudest on a subject, that's them voicing their need for that particular LL.
I need to step back each time that happens and think of that.
Had a good conversation with W tonight. I initiated the call since it sounded like she was disappointed that I didn't call back over the weekend when D had been playing with the phone and dialed me up.
So we ended up talking for close to 45 min. She's got her own "as if" going on since she was talking about the future at the new place and of the home she'd like to end up moving into because of the location near friends and close to school for the kids. I just listened to what she had to say and validated by saying "sounds like a nice place."
I've been letting her talk about the future and been holding my tongue about mine.
She asked me if I would be willing to read a book with her. It is about de-cluttering your life. She said it would be something that we can discuss about and share our thoughts as we go. I think it's a great idea. I said of course I will.
Almost forgot... she also encouraged that I read Eat, Pray, Love. She said I could use her copy when I get there. I may just go check it out from the library before I go. I'll have a 9 hr train ride to read it before I get to her place.
Some positive news! I'm currently on my trip visiting S & D and helping W with moving into her smaller flat. We've had some good progress and she recognized my efforts. She's still being cautious as she's said that I may be changing now, but will I be consistent in the future? I've promised her that I will continue with my efforts and won't let my old ways come back. I said that she doesn't have to take my word, but I'll prove it with my actions. She's said that she doesn't want to give up on us but that she needs to get herself figured out first. I went through the same process so I understand. I've proposed another visit in June and she said anytime I want to come up- even for a weekend, that I'm welcome. She's agreed to read 5 LL also. We're working on our communication to improve and we'll start with reading the same book and discussing it. I'm feeling better, but I know this is the first step to building our relationship back up.
I'm not sure if a surprise visit is the way to go -- that kind of still makes it about you and not the relationship, you know? Because instead of it being a built in, permanent change, it's a surprise. It's not taking into account her needs or schedule, or your kids'.
I think 5 days is a good length, though.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
DH, This wasn't a surprise visit. W actually asked if I could help out. So far we seem to be doing better. I found out she has an acts of service LL, and I'm doing well in that dept right now. Tonight she told me that I'm appreciated for all the hard work I've done for her and she made me a meal since I was using our last evening painting her old apt before I leave tomorrow afternoon. I've been using this time mainly to reconnect with the kids, but also available for whatever she needs done. I've been taking W to work and kids to school, then work on clearing the apt.
Oh, we've been sleeping in the same bed too. I offered to sleep on the couch, but she insisted that it was OK to share the bed. I stayed away from any intimate action though. I don't want to rush. She didn't make any advances with that. But we cuddled (spooned) some and no issues. I think we're on the road to recovery but I'm continuing to hold my feet to the fire and work on my behavior changes. I'm planning on returning sometime in June. I think it's important to keep this momentum. After all, it was lack of connection that brought us to this point.
M1, Things DID go well. It was a different experience. I swore off TV or checking the computer. I was completely focused on her and the kids' needs. It was rewarding.
You're so right about ME keeping up the momentum. I had left a hidden card for 6 May (the day I got back home) which is Nurse's Day. She hadn't said anything about it. Again, I remind myself of the bamboo tree story and don't get discouraged.
Today I sent a small e-mail to her about today being military spouse appreciation day and I told her that I appreciated her and "just her existence in my life gives me the strength, security and support to do what I do each day." Even though I got her an early Mother's Day gift since it was something that I could only get on the trip up there, I took a close-up photo of the roses in my front yard and made it into a Mother's Day card I'll e-mail her on Sunday.
This week I'll order the tabletop grill she mentioned that she'd like to have for her balcony this summer.
Right now we are reading the same book together(at her request) and I'm enjoying it. It's about clearing clutter through feng shui. We both have a bit of a problem with this.
Goals? Well I can say that the previous 2 goals I set with my IC were reached: 1)I needed a sign that she wasn't ready to give up on us. 2)I can bring out/hang up all the photos of her/us in my house again.
New goals: 1)Continue to show that I can be consistent in my new behavior 2)Continue my journey (mind, body, spirit) so that she can begin hers 3)Find better ways to keep communicating 4)Keep actively listening 5)Continue not offering advice, just love her well.
Thanks for checking up on me M1 and Breakdown! I appreciate you too.
