What's Going On?!? - Cautiously Contemplating

[JuneReN]

So, I know this too and I say very bluntly what I expect these days

THis is for you today RT...luv ya!


'Now is the only time. How we relate to it creates the future. In other words, if we're going to be more cheerful in the future, it's because of our aspiration and exertion to be cheerful in the present. What we do accumulates; the future is the result of what we do right now.'

[RealityTrip]

I need to staple this to my forehead!

To appear strong, you express your needs in a convoluted way or don't express and figure if people really love you'll they'll figure it out.

When they don't magically figure it out, you're hurt.

Absolutely me. I really need to work on this. Thanks Labug!!

[RealityTrip]

Thanks IO! I'm going to post that on my bulletin board this week. Love it!

[RealityTrip]

JOURNAL: Music... rough stuff. I've heard so many people talk about how hard it is to listen to music after betrayal. It really is! I've been trying to force myself to though. I leaned on NPR for a while but I love music and I don't want to NOT have it in my life. I've figured out if I listen to Reggae, Calypso, or any other Island/Latin music I still get the happy groove but since I have no idea what they are saying due to their accents... the moment is not ruined! LOL!

[Positivespin]

RT

I have "Radio margaritaville" playing 24/7 - surrounding me wherever I go. Nothing but happy! I listen so much D3 chants "I want jimmy buffett" when she goes in Mommies car. (Mommy is currently listening to top 40). D3 is also very fluent in some words of "Southern cross"- which I find VERY ironic

Like you, I did the NPR route as well but then found myself relating to every sad story they presented-especially if it involved an element of "loneliness"- It became exhausting.

Im afraid your wife still has some journey to go- She found out she was being cheated on yet she still had to go back.You sound GREAT !

Back to work

[RealityTrip]

Oops. I messed up a little but I recovered well.

W flew in last night. I picked her up. We had pizza, beer and talked. At bed time she seemed awkward and said she "guessed she would go to the guest room" and "did I think she was headed to bed with me". Well, after so many beers and conversation and such... "yeah". She started crying and said she was sorry she always disappoints me but she just didn't want to confuse anything. I fired back.. "you "ended" your affair but went to her on Sat. night. and slept in her bed. Nothing has changed."

I felt a brick smack my head with a resounding STFU!!!

So I took the dogs out, said good night, went to bed.

She followed me in a few minutes later worried that I was mad at her. I had already regained my serenity and she asked to hug me so I did. As she was leaving the bedroom she said, "Please don't be mad at me." I responded, "I'm not mad at you. Nothing has changed. It was me who allowed myself to raise an expectation that I should not have. Sweet dreams." She raised her voice and said "Things HAVE changed! I am not in a relationship with her."

She went upstairs. 10 minutes later I get a text message from her. "I'm sorry I continue to hurt you. I don't mean to. I love you." I responded. "I'm fine. I really am. Sleep well." She responded, "you too."

This morning I decided to do everything possible to recover from the damage I did. I let her sleep in. I walked the dogs, watered the plants and sat with coffee on the porch for breakfast. She eventually wandered down and hugged me and was overly physically affectionate. I allowed her to touch me but did not reciprocate. I prepared a salad to have for lunch later (Thank you PositiveSpin! I made your 3 bean salad!)

I was AS if, As if, As if... everything is fine. When she came down I offered her coffee... I thought we would go to the porch. I went out there and she wasn't there. She was in our bed propped up under the covers with the news on. (huh?) I just sat on the edge and handed her the coffee.

She asked about my lunch plans. I told her I made the bean salad this morning and had burgers pounded out that I planned on. She was happy and said she would be showered and ready so after lunch she could take the car to have it ready for my road trip vacation this weekend.

I'm a little rusty at being around her. It's harder than I remember. My emotions are high.

[in_it]

RT-hello! Just checking in.

I also do a ton of NPR & podcasts. I'm a talk radio kind of person anyhow. I've also been listening to a lot of sports talk. If you're a sports fan you should try that.

You did recover well! Keep it up! I'm sure there is going to have be a time for adjustment. You are doing great.

[RealityTrip]

This was CLEARLY a bad idea. I am not ready for "visits."

Lunch: We sit on the porch to eat. Everything is fine. I have recovered from last nights snafu.

W: "where is the black candle holder"
M: "broken and thrown away"
W: "on purpose"
M: "yes. I'm sorry. I was having a bad day"

The candle holder was a gift from AP about 15yrs ago when they were just friends before my W met me.

It got bad. She wanted me to know that if the tables were turned she would never destroy my property. I tried to apologize and stay calm. I validated, I apologized again. I agreed. But she did not stop. I started to feel berated and belittled and I lost it... the crazy banshee was loose.

I'd be surprised if she not packing to leave right now.

I was pissed. I said, "Don't tell me what you would or wouldn't do if the tables were turned. You have never been in my position. You have no idea what I have been through. I broke that candle holder one night when I knew you were in her bed."

And then I said oh so much more b/c her face contorted and she became condesceding and righteous. I was so angry when she said "how could you do that to me?" I KNOW I was wrong for breaking it... but "how could I do that to her?"

I'm trying to maintain better communication honesty with someone who is still lying, selfish and hasn't changed at all.

I'm losing it. Can I come back from this at all? I feel like I'm so far off course that it's unredeemable.

[Valeska19]

RT,
Hurt comes out in the form of anger. We turn into little children. When we can acknowledge when this happens, we can take action to change it.

Your feelings are completely valid, but how you express them is under your complete control.

Set boundaries for yourself. If you feel yourself getting angered, stop the conversation, leave the room - If she baits you, tell her you can't talk about it right now.

She may not under not understand why.. but that's not really the point.

The point is that you protect you and that you protect her.. until you can speak calmly about things.

[RealityTrip]

RT,
Hurt comes out in the form of anger. We turn into little children. When we can acknowledge when this happens, we can take action to change it.

Your feelings are completely valid, but how you express them is under your complete control.

Set boundaries for yourself.

Thanks V19. Your post was very calming for me. I really appreciate it.

All I can do is begin from where I am.