Day from He!l accomplished and still have all my hair and it is still making me laugh about it (which is amazing considering what little animals my last double period of kids were. i cannot imagine anyone learning anything amid the disharmony and insanity of this school (middleschool). Highschool went okay- kids pretty much entertain self if not going to "participate" -
middle school - yikes!! everyone's got something to prove - and need to do it very very loudly and with an audience. cripes! we'd have been tossed out the front door i think back in the day- now- it's all about student's rights. i had to laugh out loud a couple times at what an awful job i was doing trying to contain these hostile and chaotic kids.
had an hour with the WORST kids in a "recovery" room designed to make them sit and contemplate the error of their ways (for the hardened and most un-manageable of them all!!) who thought that up??? thought for a while there that i was going to have a fist fight when some new kid with a bone to pick with my scariest kid waltzed in - grabbed a desk and faced it toword scary guy! they began to re-abuse each other about some fight new guy had been in and scary guy was criticizing his manhood (and everythingelse!) - things were getting very darn verbally profane & escalating- no kidding- i never heard f word so many times in such rapid succession in my life...
. After five or so minutes of this kind of junk - I rummaged around in my brain like mad to think about the bloodiest thing i could think of to talk about - managed to engage the alpha criminal in a conversation about the boston bombing- he actually could & did converse in a thoughtful & reasonable manner- had info- opinions - yay- and rest of minor thugs followed suit. it's amazing- at one point two of them were on scooters in the class! where the heck did those come from??? good news - still making me laugh this morning about it all..... what does that say ??? guess i'll just keep going - who knows, maybe i'll make some amazing breakthru and realize i can actually control them- like lion taming- gotta start somewhere? WELL, - OR GET EATEN. WHO CARES RITE??? a learning experience for this girl
thanks for comments. you know, sometimes i'm just too tired of "all this" to see the forest for the trees.
I think about this mlc h saying "he's lost himself" - - that's how i feel. i do not know what the heck I want or need anymore.
Quote:
You should be doing what's good for Nero.
I am trying to remain "STILL" AND not do anything irretrievable. that's what my stupid gut tells me to do - i'm too turned off by him to want to talk to him - but i haven't picked up phone and said don't call me either.
I know who i am and still like myself and my values - i've just LOST MY PLACE in life. Perhaps i've got this h and my mother- both demanding & entitled - having accepted my efforts on their behalf- but both wanting SOMETHING MORE. SOMEONE MORE -something ELSE - - it hurts my feelings because they're cruel(-ish), BUT there does not seem to be one thing to do about it other than get right away from them. (or do what i'm doing) (and not enjoying it). if they think the grass is greener- what can one do other than say so, go have it. my mom is totally STUCK with me- i'm the only one that goes there.
I do interact alot with my neice (14) who is perfectly happy to appreciate our relationship- me as a person and say it- so i've got that going - WHICH IS very positive. so i guess i should shutup- who gets it all rite?? or is that a lousy attitude - being happy & grateful for what i've got that's good. seems to me that's how i ended up in this mess in the first place. not demanding enough in life? ya think??? It's pretty much who i am tho.
Quote:
If you feel your H is throwing you "crumbs", but you know you're entitled to the whole cake, then don't settle for those crumbs
i do want the whole cake- BUT i'm not sure i believe in life we always get what we want. i've spent a lifetime thinking we have to be grateful for what we get (handed). we were not at all rich - (me 2nd of 5 kids - lifetime spent taking care of littler guys & "making do" & following the rules ) see that rite there? that comment i just said - maybe i've got a major philosophy switch to do- and i'm having big trouble figuring out exactly how to begin THAT or if i want to (or if i HAVE TO).
does that make any sense to you? any comment about that? it feels mighty like the world wants me to be someone other than who i am - .
i'm just a nice guy - I still feeling like "this is me- accept me for that" - wtf??? i'm getting out of here because i'm tangling myself up a bit too darn much - and need some more coffee and I AM BORING YOU TO DEATH I AM SURE BECASUE I AM BORING MYSELF TO DEATH WITH ALL THIS-
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