first time(&last) & still need help

[nero]

hey hi-

i actually thought i wrote to you before this- but it's not there . i guess i blipped it out into the universe by mistake.

oh well huh?

so I am, like you, being stuck in a place by the resentment.

how does one just pick up your buttons after so long and "move on" - just like that. blink.??? i wonder.

i guess people do it- maybe it's less painful - like jumping into the cold cold water all at once rather than slowly getting "used to it". that's probably the good news about going off the deep end really quickly and getting rite away.

oh well- that ship has sailed i guess-

i honestly don't think my h is in pain. when i read mwd book- it seemed to describe us to a t.

as i've found out (apparently) how long my h has been engaging in his e-mail love affairs - and God alone knows what is in his head and heart - it seems i may just be deluded (as usual). maybe he's a useless cheater and i'm on yet another wrong trail here.

perhaps it is not mlc at all- but just a guy that cannot be faithful when true love becomes a bit boring. i'm pretty sure real life and true love forever kind of do to one extent or another.

so here's me today- doing exactly what i criticize. having a pitiful life on line rather than in person.

reduced to this?!! coming here to "talk to someone" before i head out to work (going to the highschool & middle school today to fill in for an english teacher. third day ever substituting. )

i sincerely hope they do not find me at the end of the day tied to my chair with my head shaved.

everyone in the universe says stay right away from older kids- i can't imagine how i did not say on my application i'd do younger children. oh well- they called and i said sure- what's the worst that can happen???? it's a paycheck for a day.

i figure if i try real hard to "not show fear" - i'll muddle thru. wish me luck - anyone reading this - send out the vibes and maybe they'll help.

it's only seven or so hours- i should be able to endure that.

my creepy h wrote me an e-mail last nite- he's too "afraid" to call. he's been up to visit ow - he knows i know and honestly- i have nothing in the universe to say to him.

don't want to share any little stupid stuff about my life. as i've found out over time that he's been sharing the little daily events of his day with her- it's such a giant turn off. no matter how nice he acts and pleasant and asks me about my life and days - i'm getting frozen inside about it.

when he's gone - and he's gone ALOT - MY INSIDES just turn off and i don't want to be the jerk on the other end of the phone anymore. if he finds me so bad he doesn't want to live with me - well, that about says it all doesn't it? i hear his voice and feel bad not to pick up- but he doesn't say "hey, pick up - i want to talk to you" either.

he doesn't say anything commital about wanting to hear my voice, missing me - nothin personal. is it bad form on my part and detrimental to stay mum? he does call. am i being a b!tch or okay to go with one's feelings about this.

should I be holding out olive branches allover the place? i'm sooo bad with the strategy thing.

i have to be at work at 7:25 so i don't have to even deal with it today- won't be here or reacheable. ta da.

is anyone out there thinking i'm, supposed to be feeling something else??? i know some "VOICE OF REASON" people blip in and say wise things- or put forth some strategy - or other slant on things - . i've probably said all this fifty times over. so sorry for repetition- talk about being stuck.

how embarassing huh? to be talking about the little events of one's day and life with someone who is all in love with someone else - they think anyway?????

it's so icky i cannot even find the words to tell you all - or anything to say to him. what is on the tip of my tongue is hope it was a great _ _ _ _ because i'm sooooo done with you buddy boy. if that's the most important thing in your universe - go have it. ba bye

sorry this got long and rantie - maybe i'm a bit nervous about school- i'm outta here-. may as well go face the music.

xxo

[mizjjd]

Nero,

first - good luck with the high schoolers!! If you can handle an MLCer, teens should be a cake walk.

should I be holding out olive branches allover the place? i'm sooo bad with the strategy thing.

You should be doing what's good for Nero.

That is the only strategy you should have right now.

If you feel like picking up the phone, then do that. But keep it brief (because you know, YOU ARE SO BUSY LIVING THE DREAM YOU JUST DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO TALK!!)

If you feel your H is throwing you "crumbs", but you know you're entitled to the whole cake, then don't settle for those crumbs.

Hope your day went FANTASTICALLY WELL!! (And, don't worry, it'll grow back )

[nero]

heyhi-

Day from He!l accomplished and still have all my hair and it is still making me laugh about it (which is amazing considering what little animals my last double period of kids were. i cannot imagine anyone learning anything amid the disharmony and insanity of this school (middleschool). Highschool went okay- kids pretty much entertain self if not going to "participate" -

middle school - yikes!! everyone's got something to prove - and need to do it very very loudly and with an audience. cripes! we'd have been tossed out the front door i think back in the day- now- it's all about student's rights. i had to laugh out loud a couple times at what an awful job i was doing trying to contain these hostile and chaotic kids.

had an hour with the WORST kids in a "recovery" room designed to make them sit and contemplate the error of their ways (for the hardened and most un-manageable of them all!!) who thought that up??? thought for a while there that i was going to have a fist fight when some new kid with a bone to pick with my scariest kid waltzed in - grabbed a desk and faced it toword scary guy! they began to re-abuse each other about some fight new guy had been in and scary guy was criticizing his manhood (and everythingelse!) - things were getting very darn verbally profane & escalating- no kidding- i never heard f word so many times in such rapid succession in my life...

. After five or so minutes of this kind of junk - I rummaged around in my brain like mad to think about the bloodiest thing i could think of to talk about - managed to engage the alpha criminal in a conversation about the boston bombing- he actually could & did converse in a thoughtful & reasonable manner- had info- opinions - yay- and rest of minor thugs followed suit. it's amazing- at one point two of them were on scooters in the class! where the heck did those come from??? good news - still making me laugh this morning about it all..... what does that say ??? guess i'll just keep going - who knows, maybe i'll make some amazing breakthru and realize i can actually control them- like lion taming- gotta start somewhere? WELL, - OR GET EATEN. WHO CARES RITE??? a learning experience for this girl

thanks for comments. you know, sometimes i'm just too tired of "all this" to see the forest for the trees.

I think about this mlc h saying "he's lost himself" - -
that's how i feel. i do not know what the heck I want or need anymore.

You should be doing what's good for Nero.

I am trying to remain "STILL" AND not do anything irretrievable. that's what my stupid gut tells me to do - i'm too turned off by him to want to talk to him - but i haven't picked up phone and said don't call me either.

I know who i am and still like myself and my values - i've just LOST MY PLACE in life. Perhaps i've got this h and my mother- both demanding & entitled - having accepted my efforts on their behalf- but both wanting SOMETHING MORE. SOMEONE MORE -something ELSE - - it hurts my feelings because they're cruel(-ish), BUT there does not seem to be one thing to do about it other than get right away from them. (or do what i'm doing) (and not enjoying it). if they think the grass is greener- what can one do other than say so, go have it. my mom is totally STUCK with me- i'm the only one that goes there.

I do interact alot with my neice (14) who is perfectly happy to appreciate our relationship- me as a person and say it- so i've got that going - WHICH IS very positive. so i guess i should shutup- who gets it all rite?? or is that a lousy attitude - being happy & grateful for what i've got that's good. seems to me that's how i ended up in this mess in the first place. not demanding enough in life? ya think??? It's pretty much who i am tho.

If you feel your H is throwing you "crumbs", but you know you're entitled to the whole cake, then don't settle for those crumbs

i do want the whole cake- BUT i'm not sure i believe in life we always get what we want. i've spent a lifetime thinking we have to be grateful for what we get (handed). we were not at all rich - (me 2nd of 5 kids - lifetime spent taking care of littler guys & "making do" & following the rules ) see that rite there? that comment i just said - maybe i've got a major philosophy switch to do- and i'm having big trouble figuring out exactly how to begin THAT or if i want to (or if i HAVE TO).

does that make any sense to you? any comment about that? it feels mighty like the world wants me to be someone other than who i am - .

i'm just a nice guy - I still feeling like "this is me- accept me for that" - wtf??? i'm getting out of here because i'm tangling myself up a bit too darn much - and need some more coffee and I AM BORING YOU TO DEATH I AM SURE BECASUE I AM BORING MYSELF TO DEATH WITH ALL THIS-

xxoo

[albamarie]

Hey Nero,

Good to hear you have some things going on. Oh yea, schools can be crazy. I homeschooled mine for the 3 yrs of middle school, it's to weird of a time.

I haven't been to concerned w/h and his issues. I have fallen out of L for him so much I amaze myself. If I do or say anything to him it's more out of necessity, or even because I'm forced to still have his face around. I really am not in L w/him anymore, I don't L him, I could walk away for good! I don't know nor do I want to think about if I just have simple L for him even as an ole dog, or would I not even cry at his funeral.

He put me here, he wanted me to back off of his life, so be it! So I don't care about his anger, or absence, if he's coughing too much, even if he's had dinner. It's freeing to cut it all out only because I was having that for an ungrateful person, with nothing in return. Soo much L to give and he spit at it, ok I get it!

He sees it, I'm not warm, just friendly, like to the mailman. He tried hugging me Sun night to sleep because he was cold, I backed off and said no, I said I'm cold, I said, no it's about me now!

There's gotta be soo much more out there than living in loneliness, waiting with real expectations, and giving more than you get.

It's are time Nero, we are stronger and moving forward. Like they said on Antonia's post, thanks, thanks for setting me free of your misery, and selfishness!

Amen! Bigger baby steps.......

[albamarie]

Nero, I have been getting myself use to the word divorce. I am teetering closer to wanting an end, than to keep standing. It's like 60/40 now. Divorce was such an ugly word to me, now it sound like peace! It's still sad, but not heartbreaking sad, just unnecessary nonsense that leads to a dead end, wtf sad!

Insurance and cost of living, are big factors. I know h would end up in a hole somewhere, I used to care, now I just want him away from me. I was telling him to hook up with EA he said no, he's holding on to me, but not in a way that for me.

How does one deal w/health insurance in a D? If I don't get a D I will have to move out, that will be my only saving grace outside of ignoring him as much as possible. That is my stand today, ignore him until I really have to deal with him. Is that standing my ground, am I still letting him ride out his MLC, do I care any more about his junk? NO!

[nero]

hey hi and wow -

you are having some powerful feelings and taking a whole nother "stand" here. i'm glad for you if it's giving you feelings of peace - getting used to the idea of divorce.

I am interested that you say 60-40 now. more weight on side of give it up. i am wondering myself lately where i stand with that.

i'm working today- so no real time to contemplate here- but i'll say off the top of my head i'm glad you're coming to peace with an idea of what you want. I'd say do not jump into anything rash quickly about you leaving the house- why would you want all the aggro and expense of an apartment or whatever you have in mind- if you'll end up financially at a big disadvantage - in something less than you have now for living space- and then, i hate to think it- but do -

out of site - out of mind. i think it would be very easy to just begin to cut you off money wise- if he's spinning out of control- hooked to ow - or whatever his status is. if he gets a giant dose of you as the "enemy" and so on- what is to guarantee that his good feelings and protective feelings about you and family remain? if you ended up in a legal battle about finances - house - support- etc. - it might be really bad. (can you tell i'm a major chicken, worrier, etc._

on that count- i'd say be very cautious. if you need a job in place to support yourself so you don't get plunged into a totally scary situation money wise and roof over your head wise- then try and have all that lined up before you just take off.

i know my own life & emotions are such a mess you're probably thinking- who is this to be giving advice. i'm just sayin- it's only my outlook- but been in law offices a long long time.

like when people die and all of a sudden - in the flash of an eye it's gone from sadness, commraderie, etc.- to everyone at each other's throat over money- possessions, etc.

people can turn in a flash. if you're not with them- you're against them. i try not to flatter myself that my h will be all sentimental over me. he'd probably let me end up homeless (maybe) and never give it another thought. all about money- for everyone. MAN- DO I SOUND NEGATIVE OR WHAT.

I'M JUST SAYIN - CONSIDER IT. YOUR H may be one thing not- and may be saying one thing now- but you're not out and on the opposing side now. consider possibility of a change when you declare war.

me- if i know anything bout this guy of mine. don't put his bck up- he'll dig in and i could probably die in his face and he wouldn't throw water on me if i were on fire. i may be exaggerating - maybe not. i'm going to assume the worse and if it's anything better- be pleasantly surprised.

okay- gloom and doom me off the face the - da da dummmmmm

MIDDLE SCHOOL.....

WHY - I WONDER MYSELF. MAYBE THE SHEER CHALLENGE of facing those little animals again and wondering how awful it could possibly get??? wierd huh? i'd have thought i'd run away screaming- i feel a bit like i can't let a bunch of stupid kids make me afraid. tho, i probaly should be. oh well- for this moment i'm still gonna give it a whirl...

some men climb the materhorn- me, i'm trying middle school insanity. wish me luck-

i still cannot hardly believe how rotten thise kids are - and the lack of decorum in the entire middleschool. ya gotta wonder what the heck is goig on with that???

oh well- sorry to be preachie- just be sure and be careful about having your ducks in a row. and why should you leave your home and comfortable place in life?????

tho, maybe to get away from it it's worth it?

just whammed this out- hope it makes sensa dn if it it's junk advice - please disregard it. i'm rushing like mad as usual.

xxoo (( )) and glad you're feeling good and in power here.

i aspire to it myself

[nero]

hey-

i erased somehow:

There's gotta be soo much more out there than living in loneliness, waiting with real expectations, and giving more than you get.

i know- and me too. there does have to be more. i'm insulted pretty much of the time- this business of someone else being soooooooo more hugely desireable in every way- well, puts my own back up. if that's the case- put your money where your mouth is and get the heck out of my life -

wouldn't you think????? soooo they get to sling around the pain to us - while they fiddle around being jerks and never ever even having the maturity and decency to decide what they are doing- what it's doing to someone else - and DO THE RITE THING>

I'M SOOOOO CHEESY- but that's the bottom line isn't it? you don't do this to other people in life.

oh well-i'm not free of his misery yet. i don't think mine has misery- i think he has greed. just like akid- they want everything and don't have the brain power to look at the "going out" when they're "going in". i do not care if he suffers- i still feel the pain of the rejection. i guess it goes away someday.

i wonder if i should get on phone and tell him i don't want to talk to him while he's gone. if he wants to come here i can't stop him- i'll give ride from airport. then i remember who i'm dealing with - what i know and think i can't yet- not til i have a fulltime - serious $$ job. it made me pick up phone yesterday- regale him with some tales of the horror middleschool day- and get off quick.

i guess still need to stick here til i've got my own future secure. i do not want to be homeless- poor and lonely.

if i've got to be lonely- don't need rest.
gotta run

[albamarie]

Nero - I am getting freed of my misery simply because I am learning to be thankful that he goes chatty, crazy guy somewhere else. I know WTF, but it's not mine, I don't want it, I forced myself to try and it crushed me, so let EA have it, she's free to not answer the phone, but she's diagnosed bi-polar so it fits w/her life style.

She left me a message that she is tired of him, he's too much and makes the hard life she has harder. She also took responsibility for reaching out and being there for him, but she said it's hard those times when he wants to rant and so does she. They are addicted to the misery L company, though she regrets it and feels hurtful, H feeds off of it and gains strength. It's a guy thing?

Why would I want that around me! He says the strength he gets from being able to be angry makes him work harder for the $$$, that goes to the family, not EA. So he asked me to leave it alone, let him go, so I did and I am better for it. And, hell he is making the $$$.

He is teaching me how much better off I am without him around me, giving me his sitch. Funny, he wants what is best for me and he saw it wasn't him. He said I still have him, his protection and support in anything I want to do, he still comes home, he is honoring the M "rules" but he belongs to nobody...not even himself!

He said, like right now I should be looking into buying you something for M-Day and your B-day, I think about flowers, but they die, I want to get you something super expensive that would make you happy but the $$$, so I end up doing nothing, that's what I do, nothing is easier. I know you want romance and a loving touch but I can't give that to you, so why do you want me, your are waisting you time on me.

I hope to take A's advise one day and be able to say, thank you for giving me my freedom! I'm seeing it, it's hard because we want them to say why aren't you fixing us, but it may never happen. I hope to reach that point of happienss one day where I am grateful to have been set free.

Nero - Your H is not as extrem in anger or self depreciation as mine, but he is giving you your freedom also, with the attachement of his concern, $$$, and protection. We, you and I, will never call them our friends, we're not those girls that can go there w/men we L'd. But, can we move on and except what they have already put in front of us long ago, and except what they have taken away? Time will tell!

<3 dm

[nero]

hey hi-

you're sounding very philosophical today- well, yesterday. i'm a bit less so.

you got me thinking today - in (i think) a different way (or maybe i've said this all a million times) my objectivity is skewed- anyway- please excuse my lack of "order" - but i'm trying to gain insight & some detachment from your own. i can "hear" your little slender threads of attachment still , in the background- but you are tougher and moving away - and I need to be also.

just tired as heck and cannot get out of my own way. only had one mug of coffee and need another i guess to actually begin functionng. MAYBE I'M feeling something like you are feeling- the just "done" thing. i hear it in your "voice" about your h and his rants - that ow can have them. i get sooooo much continual rant on a daily basis from my mom (and i think it's just a small small version of what you get ) - i don't have the juice anymore. h never does "dump" - he just does his "rock" thing. makes me wonder- he asks me about my mother continually- the sitch - i don't even want to discuss it- i'm sick of it- then i wonder if he sees me (and encourages me to be) ( - as i see her)- a giant ball of negativity????? oooorrrrr - if he's just deflecting any kind of conversation off him - "us" r, onto a good old standby problem sitch out there , that's always a good bet.

ya think he could be asking & obsessed with her (mom) - so he can reassure himself i'm just a bunch of "trouble" and he's right to be happier with ow? - HEY- I THINK i'm on to something here. next word out of my mouth will be positive ... no kidding.

i've been being positive allover the place about school - what do you think about this mother crap- think he's specifically leading me along to be negative???? is it twisted or possible?... i am such a dope - see what i mean- it's always easiest to expect more from ourselves - and blame me for playing into his hands? or do you think it's other thing- just a neutral conversation base for him ALWAYS...

i'm curious - would your h like you to be negative? do you feel? does he ever want you to be "the bad guy?" - it sound slike he is always happy to have you be the good guy and he's the "awful person". maybe i'm off base comparing them (my mom & your h) - but it was the motivated by anger thing got me thinking here in a new vein.

I need to somehow , (seriouslY) get some detachment just like you are doing. sitch w/my sister & mother & nurse took up the two days I didn't work this week. - i wish i could just get hold of my emotions and not let it affect me. I got sooo MAD other day with this visiting nurse jerking me around- i swear- just absolute shaking rage by time i left. i didn't act on it or say it - but truly- it can't be normal or good to get like that. somehow it's got to be do-able- taking the reigns and not allowing emotion and feelings to creep inside and get to you. is that what you're feeling. ? did you ever JUST RAGE about it all like crazy- and now you feel like neutral? successful? defeated & deflated by his (predicament) and why bother?

Why would I want that around me! He says the strength he gets from being able to be angry

geeez - this sounds like my mother. getting strength from anger. you have me wondering this morning- I know she's mad to be old - 88, failing memory- nobody around (except me) - all of it. she's depressed by it- it's terrible to get old - and MAYBE it's as bad to be all accepting and docile- BUT REALLY??? THE absolute constant negativity and rage- i too find it impossible to be around so constantly. now i feel like a mercy-less b!tch...

I can see why you can't do it- i can believe your h getting "strength" from it - i think it is what keeps my mother alive - honestly- and chugging along having her life.

if she's got an enemy to dislike & blame for everything- she can continue to function. I think if you took the rage away- she might just melt down into a puddle of deflated skin. no kidding. how can your entire life be taken over by only that?????

I've noticed for years (and used to laugh about it) that she has to "HAVE AN ENEMY" or she's not happy.

I join you in feeling sad for your h - if the one central "bad guy" for your H is HIMSELF... HE turns it on himself, doesn't he? i cannot imagine it. my mother will crucify anyone- she's got a very very strong self-preservation thing going on. me- i'M more like your h TO A VERY small degree. i find i am willing to accept blame for how messed up our life is- this house in nj was the beginning of the end (maybe) (tho, finding out he was cheating or thinking of it long before that?) i just don't know anymore. it's a HUGE PART OF IT ALL THO. as am i- i'm sure. . feeling (as i do) totally defeated by this whole process and not caring to even try anymore (more and more kind of) - I can't imagine having that total rage and then absorbing it yourself. it's sure tangled and scary stuff-

what goes on in people's heads. i would never want to be a psychiatrist. it's so gut-wrenching to see people suffer- torture themselves- ALL OF THE people around them- the whole ball of wax.

i can see your delimma (clearly today)- caring for someone who is crucifying themselves- and killing you in the process. CRIPES - IT'S so sad isn't it- what people do to each other - themselves, etc. i guess i don't have a darn thing to say abot this all other than that-

you are doing great dealing with something soooo heart-rending & bad.

he is honoring the M "rules" but he belongs to nobody...not even himself!

I just don't know how you would reach thru all that stuff to get to him. if he can't reach thru and save him- how could you?

I hope to take A's advise one day and be able to say, thank you for giving me my freedom! I'm seeing it, it's hard because we want them to say why aren't you fixing us, but it may never happen. I hope to reach that point of happienss one day where I am grateful to have been set free.

i know- i find myself resistent still - that stinking little grain of hope about an otherwise perfectly good person turning into a giant jerk and never comng back. i hope i reach the point too. i don't "get" the "set free" part tho.

if they were "setting us free" they'd be walking out and forcing us to just jump in and deal with it once and for all- get thru it and our own selves come out the other side. i'm thinking they know we would- move on and away without them.

my h & yours too could make it very darn easier for you and me. - they could finance us- they could be kindly and supportive & just step out of our lives - IF THEY HAD THE STRENGTH TO DO IT. IF THEY cared so darn much for their ow- freedom- anger- whatever- they'd be sooooooooooo nice & ultruistic and make it all easy. AND THEY DO NOT do it- they linger- and obviously cannot decide , and can't embrace their new lives to the exclusion of their old one - wtf??? dawn.....

without them actually DOING THAT- FORCING US - (for our own good - if you will)(or even for their own good) they KNOW we're soft hearted- loving, etc. alllllllll the things they don't want to let go of - someone that loves them that long and well- so they're not doing anything FOR US - maybe - they're just NOT DOING anything TO US???? (well, except torturing the hell out of us) MAYBE they're just afraid of ending it all? maybe they're afraid they might be making a big mistake - and don't want to take total responsibility for the off chance they're ruining their own happiness???

oh geeez - is this me just trying to assign blame as usual? I began somewhere- but i'm ending up here and guess my "conversation" has lost me.

sorry i'm nutty this a.m.- i am going to go get on with my life - i'm soooo tired feeling today- even 8 cups of coffee are not making me zippy- i don't want too much - do i? just to be happy and pleasant and proeductive every stinking day of my life- just to save everyone around me who needs it- just to not be the regular old stupid/flawed human being i am - maybe with a good heart- but unable to save myself & my sinkng "ship" here! CCCCRRRRRRRRIPES! DAWN- what the heck is it with human beings ???? this woman is going to just get "off the hook" rite now - REPEATE AFTER ME (idiot- self) - YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM- YOU CAN'T FIX HIM - YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM- YOU CAN'T FIX HIM - YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM- YOU CAN'T FIX HIM....... do i believe it- i want to - i think i can - i think i can

xxo HOPE YOUR DAY IS WONDERFUL- SORRY to be a sad sack here- xxoo

[albamarie]

Hey Nero,

Good to hear your working all week especially with babies!

Not much about me, just working to keep finding her, me that is!

hope your good, hey your not here so it's a good sign!

<3 dm