Hit hard still taking another step forward.

[T1000]

cont...

Checked my phone W had sent me a funny pic of S1. I sent smiley face and said I was heading to town now to get t-shirts I will be about an hour. She asked me where I had been but I ignored it.

Drove into town and quickly picked up some t-shirts. Saw some daft pink pig socks and got her a pair.

Got to W's house and she was in garden enjoying the sun with S1. Gave her the socks which she was strangely very pleased with.

She asked me where I had been again. I told her about going to the park and going on the roller coaster, at first she thought I was winding her up and then she was completely blown away. Asked all about it. She was dissappointed that I never asked her to do it with me. I told her that it was something I wanted to do for myself and not something I wanted to discuss until I had done it.
She was impressed, then she said she thought I had gone on a date.
Just goes to show where peoples minds can go. I'm quite glad she thinks I am that much of a smooth operator to set up a date 1.5 hours away from where I live, drop the kids off, be in time for the date, have the date and then get back to spend time with them.
She said it's hard to believe your the same person. Why couldn't you have done things like this when we were together? I said I'm a different person now to what I was.

I was tempted to leave after 30 mins just so it didn't look like I was hanging on.
I stayed, she got me drink and we talked on and off all afternoon.
She asked me if I had thought about us in the last week. I said that I had done nothing more than think this week. Played with kids then 30 minutes later she asked me if i had come to any conclusion.
I told her I had struggled with it all week, on the Friday I had been to see my counselor (she never knew I had been seeing one) hoping for some sort of answer but I never got one. I had listened to a very uplifting audiobook on the way to pick the kids up on the Friday and it really changed the way I looking at the sitch as it was. I was treating myself like a victim and I could carry on that way feeling sorry for myself or I could take this cloud and find it's silver lining. I said after seeing her for 10 mins when I picked the kids up I knew I wasn't done and the OM is something I was willing to get past.

We discussed it a lot more, it's hard to remember everything that was said.

Conversation over the next 3-4 hours included:
- She thought I was dating and her mother told her it was none of W business and she had to get on with her life because she had left me. I said even though your mother means well she was completely incorrect. I wasn't dating and I would have happily shared that information.

- She started sleeping with OM after it was very obvious I didn't care at all that she had started dating. I told her I was quite shocked that was dating and I didn't let on how much. Definitely wish I never acted 'as if' that's for sure.

- It was over the period of a week they slept together. She said it didn't feel right and she just kept thinking he wasn't me and she doesn't want some other guy raising our kids. She ended it that week. The bouquet of flowers on the table is from OM telling her he loves her. Strangely I didn't mind them being there, they will die and I like that. One thing she did say is that he was a good listener. He didn't take everything personally like I tended to.

- She is scared. Scared if we fail. She doesn't want to go through all this again because it's the hardest thing she has ever had to do.

- I told her I would need certain things to happen. First anything he bought you or anything you bought to wear for him will have to go. She said that fine, there isn't anything. Second, zero contact with him, no Facebook, no WhatsApp, can't see him anywhere where possible. She agreed. Third she would have to get an STI check. She said she had a check up a for something unrelated and got everything checked when she was there and she was clean. She told me she made OM get checked beforehand.

- I told her that even though part of me wants to know everything I know it's not good for me. She understood. She said she knows it's hard for me and she wants to help make it as painless as possible. Said she has learnt a lot in regards to what she wants and most importantly of all she has a lot of issues of her own that she thought were mine. She trying to see a counselor. She has believed for so long that I was the whole problem and when she ran into the exact same issues with OM.

- Asked me why I never dated, I said I wasn't finished with our marriage and anything else would just make any reconciliation more difficult. I had to be done before I moved on. She never said it but she was obviously taken back by that.

- Asked me if I wanted to stay over. I said maybe, I will think about it. She said I'm not thinking of sex or anything like that just your company. I later said OK it would be nice to keep talking.

- I said I'm a bit unsure about sex in the future because of where my mind might be at the time. She understood.

- Asked me if I was still moving to her town and renting. I said I'm not willing to move until I know where this is going somewhere. She was quite surprised and said she thought I would do it anyway for the kids, I responded, living as a family in a town I don't know and driving a long way to work is one thing. Being on my own in a town I don't know, with no support, no time to myself and driving hours on end won't help me be the father I want/need to be. If things don't work out and I only get to see the kids every other weekend that might change.

- Chatted about all sorts. I mentioned I had tried Yoga. She told me stuff about her and her family.

cont...