Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

[BrightFuture]

Not much to update. I did have a phone session with a coach last week. My coach suggested I should let H to do all the work for D, and volunteer to help. I should stay positive, friendly, smile. I already know all of that. Maybe I get more specific advice in my next session.

I never returned the phone call from H last week. I just didn’t feel like it. And he also didn’t call again. Maybe the things he wasted to discuss were not that pressing. He sent me an e-mail a week ago asking me if I wanted some coupon he had. I replied with No. Today, I’ve got another e-mail he forwarded to me with some information about new development in cancer research. I’m not going to reply to this one.

It seems like he will be going to work in a couple of weeks to another state. I’m assuming he is going to stop by the house before that. I’m preparing myself to see the D papers at that time and more conversation about assets, accounts, etc.

[BrightFuture]

I feel that I don’t want to fight for my M anymore. I feel that I’m very close to accepting the thought I will be divorced. I know that I will be fine without H. Yesterday I was remembering how he made me feel during last few years of our M. He was doing all things that a good H would do, but there was no affection. No matter how hard I tried to look my best, to look sexy, etc., he didn’t notice and it didn’t matter to him. At the same time he was making compliments to our female friend, and she is not even close comparison to me. She is a nice person, but that’s it. These feelings of frustration were so vivid yesterday, and I told myself that I don’t need to experience this any longer. If my H doesn’t have any special feelings for me anymore (even though he says that he loves me), why do I want him back? There is somebody out there for me who will appreciate me.

I don’t know if I’m completely detached. It feels like it sometimes. But, then I get anxious and scarred thinking about how I’m going to react when he shows up with the D papers. It’s like I’ve made up all this new life without him in my mind, and I’m OK with it. But, when I think about the things I will have to do to get through D, I’m back to being down and sad. I’m wondering that it might feel the same for WAS. They have it all figured out in their heads, but when it comes to the reality of D, they are not so sure anymore. This is why H is not in a hurry with it. Just a thought. I might be wrong, and he already filled in the paper work and is planning to bring it to me before he leaves for another state.

[~ kd ~]

Your mind is making a lot of rationalizations and justifications in order to protect yourself from further pain. So you will look to the bad things and then you don't feel so hurt. That is OK, it is normal.

Your coach's suggestions are something that you will probably review at your next session. Looking at what you DID and any possible effects that might be due to those changes and then adjustments will probably be considered.

While you indicate that you already knew the things your coach suggested, are you doing them? How are they working for you, so far?

[BrightFuture]

Kaffe Diem, thanks for stopping by. I value your advice.

I’ve noticed I made a mistake in my previous post. Coach’s suggestion was to NOT volunteer any help with D process.

I’ve been doing everything that my DB coach suggested. I’m friendly, I smile when I see H, no R talk, I don’t stay on the phone for too long when he calls (and it is very rare.) The problem is that we don’t have much contact. And now, when he leaves for work, I will probably not see him for a few months, unless he has some business here. We might still have some contact for our joint business, since it is not separated yet. And, I assume we will be in contact for D process as well.

My DB coach suggested posting my GAL activities on Facebook. The problem is I don’t have Facebook, neither does my H. Our friends in that town where he’s been leaving now have Facebook, and could possibly give some updates to H about me, but I don’t know anybody in another state where he is going to work. So, I don’t see the point of doing it. I’ve been in communication with our friends all this time anyway, and I’m sure they gave him little snippets here and there on what was going on in my life. So far, it seems to not make any difference.

I’m planning to have another phone session, probably next week. I need to prepare myself mentally for the D talk.

[~ kd ~]

While there is no magic pill (phrase / action / etc) that will cause a failing M to be fixed, the things we do ultimately have an effect / consequence some time down the road.

LBS often are concerned that the lack of contact will ultimately cause the WAS to keep walking away. Yet often, the LACK of contact can cause a WAS to look back and possibly begin to try to re-connect.

If you ask any vet around here, you will find that most of them can give you a story about how the WAS / MLCer is still complaining about them (the LBS) or mentioned the LBS in passing or possibly even in a positive light, or even that they start contact the LBS directly in some way.

No matter how hard the WAS / MLCer tries, they can not erase the M or the LBS. There will be times they will think about the LBS, even if it is not obvious to anyone.

Things that you do now, that are positive for you, will very likely, eventually, get back to your H. So even if you think it's not working... well, it IS having an effect.

Keep doing what your coach is recommending and then when you review at the next session, your coach may suggest some adjustments.

You certainly do not have to get facebook and post your GAL. Yet, every way that the world can notice your positive changes is another way that your H may eventually find out that you are doing really well. And he just might become curious enough to contact you more often.

[BrightFuture]

Kaffe Diem, thank you for encouraging words. Your response did lift my spirit a little.

I’m sure my H has difficult time if he tries to erase the past from his mind. We have so much history together. I’m sure this is why he is trying to be friends with me, because he cannot let me go completely.

However, he is very stubborn and he will be sticking to his decision to end the marriage even if he has hard time doing it. He is convinced that it will be better for both of us (his words.) So, I think we are moving full speed towards D.

I’ve a couple of e-mails in the last few days from him with some articles and jokes. The funny part is that he sent them to our friends’ e-mails and CC’d me. This is something new. WTH?

I’m not looking forward to see him (probably in a week or so). I’m so fixated on impending D that I cannot pull myself back and think about what kind positive attitude I should be showing when I talk to him. I hope I will feel stronger by that time.

[tori2012]

Hi, BF.
You said, "I’m so fixated on impending D that I cannot pull myself back and think about what kind positive attitude I should be showing when I talk to him." I think what would help you most is to stop putting all your energy on what you don't want: a D. You're attracting more of that negative stuff into your life.
I know first hand how difficult this is, but try it. Try focusing on something else (something positive) every time the thought of D comes to you.
((((((((((()))))))))

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, tori. You are right, I need to stop thinking about the D. And thanks for the hugs.

I told my girlfriend yesterday about H’s e-mails and how he now puts me on CC instead of To list. She got very angry and said that I should tell him not to bother to e-mail me again if he is going to disrespect me this way. I was angry too, but today I feel that I should let it go for now.

[BrightFuture]

My H called me today. He is coming in town tomorrow and wants to meet on Wednesday to further discuss the matters concerning the separation of assets and D. He asked what I was up to and I told him that I was doing stuff and left it at that. He told me some details in his life. He’s got accepted for VA medical services and was very happy about it, he said that he now will be able to take himself of off our insurance. I congratulated him on this.

He is still going for D and there is no indication that he has any doubts at all.

I’ve been preparing myself for this. But, I think I’m going through the stages again. I’ve been feeling very angry recently and I’m afraid that I would say something that I will regret later. I don’t have any more hope for my M and I don’t have any expectations. I’ve been in the house for the last week. I have hard time making myself to go out. Somehow I still manage to do it in spite of a strong depression that I seem to be experiencing. My contract ended last week. I am self-employed and need to start looking for a new contract, but I have no desire to do it right now. I’m exhausted and my head is not in a right place.

It seems that H still expects me to fully cooperate in D and even help him to figure out the steps. I think he also expects us to stay friends. But, at the same time he is not comfortable staying in the same house or condo with me. I don’t think there is OW, so I don’t understand why he can’t stay in the same house while he wants to be friends. I think this is very disrespectful to me. I want to scream and tell him to get lost. I don’t understand what is happening to me. Only one month ago I was OK with being friendly with him, but now I’m total opposite. I want to kick him to the curb in the divorce process. He is not asking for much, and I will be in a lot better position than he. But, I want to leave him with even less. I know if I follow my feelings right now, I will regret it later. This is so not good time for me to talk about the D...

Sorry for the messy post. My thoughts are all over the place.

I need to some support, please…

[Mimi00]

So sorry you are hurting right now. Push your self to stay busy, out and about, with your mind off of things. Maybe you can as him to give you some times to wrap your mind around the process of going through the D...and he'll stop asking you for help w/ the steps while you can build your self back up to deal with it all. Best of luck to you, you will make it through this and be better for it.