Moving forward with my life

[cbtdad]

Couldn't agree more Urworthy.
I am so exhausted. No sleep last night. I dropped off son about 30 mins ago.
I told her, " I know we said we were going to discuss this some more, but I'm way too tired. Can we do this another time?" SHe said yes.
I then said I have an appt with my IC at 5pm next Monday and I would like it of you joined me so we could discuss coparenting. She agreed.
Then as I was leaving she began to start crying. I just said please don't cry. I can't decide this stuff for you and you need to figure out what you want in life.
She then tried to ask me how i knew this stuff. She kept wanting to know who I heard it from. She said she feels like she can't trust anyone. And that she feels like everyone must think she is soon something wrong.
I know through snooping like I said last week on Thursday.
Do I tell her this? I really would like to start with a clean honest slate and I feel like we need to clear the slate in order to do that.

[Accuray]

I wouldn't tell her, let her keep wondering. If you tell her she'll just be more careful, close down what she thinks is exposed, and then get comfortable in her deception again.

Let her demonstrate that she wants a relationship with you that includes full disclosure and total honesty first.

Acc

[cbtdad]

I'm very torn in this one Acc.
I see what you are saying, but part of me feels like just getting it out on the table and moving forward.
I kind of opened it up earlier web I said we can talk about this stuff tomorrow ere i left. When she kept asking I just said we will talk about all of it tomorrow. Dumb mistake in hindsight. But I just want to get it all out

[Accuray]

Why do you think she wants to know?

[cbtdad]

I think she is concerned that people are talking about it and that they are judging her.
She says she feels like she is choosing wrong in every regard even when it comes to friends. She said she doesn't know who to trust.
Here is the thing. There are people talkin about it. I've had a couple of people from barn she rides at say things. But details I got from snooping.
So it's from both. But snooping that I did are things I want to address about the lying to me. I'm lost, don't know what to do on this one

[Fartiltre]

Don't tell her!

You made a mistake snooping but let it rest! As you write people are talking anyway and you telling will only:

1. Give her a safe feeling she shouldn’t have since people are already talking anyways.
2. Give you some heat you don’t want at the moment

I can’t see any achievement or moving forward in this at all! I think you did wrong by snooping but live with that for the moment and don’t do it again!

Ask yourself: Will this bring me closer to my goal?

[jp787]

Man CBT this is a tough one.

I see that you want to just be open and honest and that is good.

Hard to know if your W wants to know so she doesn't make the same mistakes again or if she just wants to know who is talking.

I would think one option would be to tell her something, but not everything. Just let her know you feel you did wrong, say this is what I saw or was told and not drag out every place you looked or everyone who said something? Make any sense?

Good luck.

[cbtdad]

Makes sense to me JP. But my concern is the way she was asking today if I just don't say how I know or something like that. She is going to get angry.
But I'm starting to think the more she gets angry about it then I should just politely walk away anyways. If she really cares more about that then the lying about it. What's the point

[Accuray]

I think she is concerned that people are talking about it and that they are judging her.
She says she feels like she is choosing wrong in every regard even when it comes to friends. She said she doesn't know who to trust.
Here is the thing. There are people talkin about it. I've had a couple of people from barn she rides at say things. But details I got from snooping.

So it's safe to say she's not thinking about how this impacts you at all right, she's just worried about what 3rd parties think of what she's doing -- she's worried about being embarrassed, it's all about her and not about you at all.

Therefore, you gain nothing by telling her how you found out. You just give her a reason to get angry at you and further justify what she is doing.

To the degree you will play "the bad guy" it makes it easier for her to rationalize what she's doing. Let her wonder.

MWD does not believe you should expose your spouse's affair because of the resentment it generates. There are other sites on the internet from other experts who DO recommend exposing affairs, simply because it helps them to end more quickly when the veil of secrecy is removed.

If your W believes her affair is no longer a secret it is to your advantage. Do nothing to reassure her that "only you could find out" or to help her conceal it in any way.

Just don't address it at all. She doesn't address all your questions does she? She only addresses the ones that are convenient for her. Does this make her more interesting, or less interesting to you? Get that working in your direction!

[cbtdad]

I'm starting to think that I should just tell her those no need to have any discussion at all. Yes, I'd like to hear why she lied to me and what she really thinks can come of this. But reading on breakdowns tread has me realizing why discuss these things till she wants to work on marriage