7 months since BD and not sure where to go next

[Accuray]

Thank you. I will definitely try your suggestion. If he says no to me that doing it will be too weird or awkward, what do I do next?

You've got to sell the "no strings attached" side of this, and I would also be prepared to make the offer more than once. If he says no, try again in a couple weeks. Don't just leave it as an open offer that he can "get back to you", I would proactively offer it every couple weeks. Until you get over that wall I think everything else is going to stay in limbo. When you were dating, what did you do to encourage men to have sex with you? See if you can draw upon that. I'm sure there was some flirtation involved, and maybe some flattery?

Also won't this put a lot of pressure on him to "perform". Remember its been 6 years.

There is only pressure to perform if you're expecting a performance. What can you do to relieve that pressure? Tell him it will be all about him? This whole situation is going to put pressure on both of you, but it already is right? You're both getting all of the angst and none of the love.

I was debating about having us see a sex therapist if we get to that point.

I wouldn't do that -- that WILL put pressure on him. Let's start having sex first and worry about making it better much later.

Have you spoken to anyone else on this site who had gone this long without it?

Yes, there are three people who come to mind who have gone 10+ years in completely sexless marriages, but I don't know why that matters. The only thing that matters is how long will you accept? If you told me you wouldn't accept 3 sexless months that would be fine, it's all about you and your marriage, not what someone else can tolerate.

Yes I have owned up to me rejecting him. I have apologizes several times and did truly mean it, however he does always say I can't imagine what this did to him. He said it made him feel like he was dirty and gross everytime I rejected him. He said he felt worthless.

Do you just keep validating and let him vent? Have you asked what you can do to make that up to him?

You said that when you start talking about the past it turns into an argument. What is the argument? What is he arguing, and what are you arguing?

I really, really don't think his fear is about the ability to perform at all. I think the fear is about having sex and enjoying it, and wanting more, and being vulnerable to being rejected again. That's what he's trying to avoid, is the possibility of future rejection.

Try taking that possibility off the table and see if that helps. Look him in the eye and say "I will not reject you, you can have sex whenever you want".

Good luck!