I posted in the WAS forum and someone that reponded suggested i start the post here instead. Here are my frist and Second posts once I see these come up i will follow up with recent post. I started posting around the start of our seperation but never seen it come up and didnt understand how these BB worked so I lost them in space. lol
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
It would probably be a good idea for you to start a thread in the Newcomers (or possibly MLC) forum as those tend to have more activity and you may get more support. You could also continue to post on either of your original threads above, if you would like to do that.
I do understand that you want your ex back, and that COULD happen. It is going to be very important for you to come to terms with that possibly not happening.
In order for your ex to consider getting back together with you, she will have to have done what she needed to do to figure out her own life, she will have to believe that there has been positive changes in you and that they are permanent, so things don't go back to the way they were, and finally, she will have to begin to connect with you again, which may take a long time, if it happens at all.
I suspect she is still very aware that you are not done and that you haven't moved on. And, you may still be coming across as pursuing her, which could continue to be pushing her away from getting to close to you.
What are the positive changes have you made in yourself over the past 2 years?
Kaffe thank you for your response I will be honest with you i dont really know how these BB work and I dont even know how to move this over to another forum.
to answer your questions
The most postive change i have made is learning how to be the best person and Father I can be and be more attenitive to others feeling.
I have been dealing with past hurts and anger and asking for forgiveness as well as forgiving for thing that has happend in the past and repairing broken down relationships with my family.
I have been doing consuling (I would of never thought about that ever) and my life revoles around my kids and being a good father which i wasnt the best father I worked way to much they are the most important thing to me. Definitly turned into a famliy man.
Stared going back to church and beliving in GOD to help me through this I found a great church near by i love it there and so do my kids.
I have started seeing OW but only on a friend basis.
I have I plan trips with my kids which i have a question about im going to take my kids to Disney I know this will hurt My XW badly because we both wanted to take them there when they got older so i was thinking of asking her to go? Good idea or bad idea? Im not taking them to hurt her I have just been saving up to take them and i dont want them to loose out on a wonderful trip while they are still young enough to enjoy it.
I also have made up a list of items that i relized i have done through out my marriage to my XW that hurt her so badly, I want to sit down and talk with her and as her for forgiveness not for pursing her but to help me move on and not feel so much guilt. I this a bad idea or not?
Just an update from yesterday i know im under moderation and the reply was not posted before i made arrangements to see my XW and go over my list of items that i need to own up for in this list of items where things that I did or ways i acted to hurt my wife.
I wrote everything down in a book and i respectfully asked her if she would mind if i read them to her she said yes. I went through my list and at the end asked her for forgiveness and she said I forgave you along time ago and came over and gave me a hug.
We talked and cried and I told her that i want to be here for her and hear her not just listen to her. At some point and time in the conversation she said I dont know if I want to get back together Im scared and I said I totally understand and said im not asking you to come back but if we worked on things and it happened good even if it took 2 years im good.
Then I told her Im taking my kids to Diseny World, and she said i knew it if you do that that will hurt me more then any of the hurt you have caused me in the past 15 years. I said OK would you like to come? Her response was no your only say this because its an after thought i said no i called your dad and invited him and your mom to come along with us if they would like, and i also told him i was going to ask her. My kids are very close to grandma and grandpa and grandpa isnt in the best of health so i want to make some good memoeries with grandparents and us.
Thanks and GOD BLESS all of you!!
I hope I didnt confuse this post if so im truly sorry i just cut and pasted it over here in htis forum and thanks to JP787 for posting my first three posts.
Apologizing can appear to a WAS as pursuing. There is no problem apologizing, just do it once, for any specific issue, and then let it go. Don't expect a response from your W. If you DO get one, sit with it and do not respond at this time. Your reason to apologize is not a tactic to open dialogue, it is to apologize. Period.
Good that you are working on your relationships with yourself, your children, and God. Keep doing those things. Life gets better and these are positive growth.
What is the intention you have with OW? Is she truly just a friend or is she someone you would consider or are considering a romantic involvement with? If she really is just a friend, someone to go for coffee with and that you would not put preference over going with her or going with another friend, then so be it. If it's simply to have female company, fair enough.
The reason I bring this up is, if you are interested in trying to R with your ex, the consequences would be the hurt that might cause this lady. How clear are you, regarding your intentions with your lady friend?
I think it was good for you to bring up Disney to your W, although her response was "typical". She doesn't trust you. Even her response to your request for forgiveness could be construed as "normal" behaviour.
Of course she wants you to feel better. So she could very well just be telling you she forgave you, in order for you to feel better and move on. In the mean time, she still doesn't trust you (if trust was one of her issues, then she hasn't completely forgiven you), so she comments on how you only asked her as an afterthought.
What I am putting out there is, if you wanted to invite her, simply invite her. Let her know it's an open invitation. It will be up to her to decide if she is going to go, or not, for what ever reasons she has.
I do want to also point out though, that it is interesting that she indicated that if you take the kids, it would hurt her MORE than anything else you have done, yet she won't go with you (at this time).
Well I have another update but first I will answer your questions.
I did the apology to help me feel better knowing that she forgave me. I was very specific and detailed and also stated how I thought I might feel if someone treated me like that. I won’t do it again this was one more step for me to move on and GAL, Also to own.
As for the OW it was strictly a friendship and I stated right from the start I DO NOT want a relationship this is someone to talk and hang-out with.(she said no problem I can do that) It went great for a long time but then she wanted more, I told her it can’t be more I still love my wife and that’s not fair to you or me so we stopped spending so much time together one because she was falling in love with me and not pursuing her goals. So before I hurt her I explained and she said thank you for being honest. We still talk at least once a week and something do lunch or dinner and go our own ways.
Trust was never an issue in our marriage, My X is worried that I will return to the other guy whom I understand it has to be shown and not said.
A little history about me in the past I was very selfish and Arrogant, I always did what I wanted when I wanted with no regard to anyone.
So this being said Disney is being pushed back for a while now She stated that it would hurt her more than anything I done in the past 15 yrs. then I need to consider that the old me would of just said O WELL me and they are going to have a great time. But now she has told me it will hurt her so I’m going to sit back and allow for some healing time to happen. If I just go with the kids she will say hay he hasn’t changed a bit I told him it will hurt me and he done it anyways. So I listened and I heard. A few more months will not kill me or the kids.
Update: I received an alert on my cell phone that my X was close on the going over on her minutes for her phone so I asked her to take it out of my name I can’t stand seeing how much she talks to this other guy. She ran right down and took it out of my name.
She thought I was doing out of spite but in fact I don’t need to know who she’s talking to she is my X. So I could not sleep that night so I got up at 3am and sent her an email explaining why I asked her and I was honest and said it too easy for me to see who you are talking to and it’s an invasion of your privacy. I also explained to her that we have always had communication issues from day one, so I asked her to consider going to counseling with me to work on this we are going to always be in some sort of relationship no matter what kind it is co-parents who know. She never responded so she sent me a text about the kids and I answered her and said did you get my email she said no ill go look.
So after her guy friend left that night she sent me a text "I will go to counseling. I don’t look at emails very often so if you send something then let me know so I can look."
this is a step in the right direction. Thank God!!
Good job on doing a 180 regarding steamrolling her feelings (specifically around Disney). Keep doing that. How else can you do a similar 180 around your admittance of being "selfish and arrogant"?
Also, be careful with OW. Obviously, the R with OW is an EA. You've backed off and have been clear (as far as you think), yet it is quite possible OW is just trying to give you some space and yet still holding out hope that you will take more.
I get that it's tough and you are enjoying the female company, but if you want to work things out with your ex... well... are you sharing intimate conversation with OW or are you just having idle talk? Could you hang with and talk about the same things with a guy friend, as you do with OW? If not... then you're possibly too involved with OW and it would likely be a big barrier to a possible R with X.
Just so you know, apologizing so that you can feel better by getting forgiveness is selfish. Just as a request for counselling to work on communication is selfish when the intention is to hopefully open a dialogue that might be used to begin R.
I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying that, if one of her complaints was that you were selfish and arrogant, how is what you are doing showing her any difference?
We could say that you are motivated and confident for the same behaviours and that might appear positive.
So my question really would be, can you be more specific on how you were selfish or arrogant? And what could you do to improve yourself in that regard?
Thanks the 180 really feel good. As for the 180 on the selfishness and Arrogant I have already ready done a big change in that I was very selfish in doing what I want when I want and never cared about her plans or concerns. I always put my wants and needs in front of everyone else’s now I put the wants and needs of my family in front of mine and spending time with my family and being a good father.
Arrogant part of me was I would always make plans and I never made it on time and my wife and kids always had to wait for me to get home and leave, acting like my time and issues are more important than theirs. Now if I make plans I keep them and on time which I never put my company second it was always first now my family is first and the company comes down the list.
The OW I treat her just like one of the guys and I’m not intimate with her I don’t ever want to hurt her and make her feel like she was being used in anyway. I do not put myself in a compromising situation with her.
apology I only had to show her that I owned what I done and yes I understand it seems selfish but I didn’t do it just for me to feel good I did it to let her know I know what I did and to ask for forgiveness I already for gave myself but it did help me feel better knowing she forgave me I’m not going to lie.
Request to enter counseling was strictly so her and I learn to communicate with each other and teach our kids how to communicate and defuse problems or situation as they arise without a blow-up and talk through it. I’m not asking her to counseling to try and R (if this happens great but I’m not expecting that at this time at all) we will always be in a relationship as co-parents and I want this to be a good one. I’m not expecting R at this time I truly want a good relationship with the X if we do not R.
Update Mother’s Day
Our kids called and asked me to come to mommy’s house and help them cook mommy breakfast in bed. So the kids and I made mom a great breakfast and they took it to her in bed, and I left right away. She was very thankful and sent a text thanking me for everything from the gifts from the kids to the breakfast then told me I was more than welcome to join her and the kids for dinner so I picked them up and we all went to dinner as a family and we had a great time.
