Time for the Loop the Loop on this rollercoaster!

[Tallula]

SM since your W has no job how is able to afford gas to go see the OM? How much longer are you going to tolerate her cake eating?

I haven't been around much lately. I have debated posting on your sitch.

Look, I get it. You want to know WHY. Why is she doing this? I may get some flack for this or put, but the longer and further I have taken myself out of the emotional rollercoaster that is dealing with a spouse in an affair, the more I just see that these people are just flawed. Entitled. You wife feels entitled to go sleep with another man. My marriage is a crazy wreck. My husband is actively cheating on me. It's not a "fog" or depression or that I was too controlling. It's that he wanted to mess around with someone else while continuing to have the benefits of me as his wife, taking care of his kids, cooking dinner, loving him. Heck, I'm/we all here are dealing with this and WE aren't like "Well, my marriage is so bad I'm gonna go find someone else. But not divorce my husband...cause I deserve both." Why? Because I'm not a selfish jerk. Because we are all good people who don't feel entitled to abuse our spouses. And frankly, I believe cheating is abuse. Plain and simple.

Whether your wife has depression or low self esteeem or crazy whacked out meds isn't the problem. It's that she feels its ok to tell you that she has found someone else to sleep with and if you could just hold on in limbo that would be really, really great. Um, no. It's not ok. What she is doing is massively hurtful and selfish. She hasn't lost her mind, she thinks this is acceptable behavior. I kicked my H out. I have gone no contact except for my kids. My H is begging me to come home. Willing to go completely transparent. Would he have done this if I still let him "eat cake". Nope. Not on your life. We teach people how they can treat us with boundaries. Mine are set. He knows that.

For me, I'm done. I now know that even one affair is a deal breaker for me. That's just me. I've gotten this clarity by separating myself emotionally from my situation. For me, you want to be in a relationship with someone else, there is the door. See ya. I'm worth more than this. No matter what a horrible spouse I could have been, divorce me before you add another person to this. I understand completely the horror and shock that this was to you. I understand the need to save your marriage. I did. I regret nothing I have done. I have been kind and loving towards my H. I have not been mean or vindictive. I have not lashed out in anger. We laugh and joke in each others presence. But, spending all this time trying to figure out the why's and how's of our spouses is futile. It is what it is. Regardless of the fact that my H tells me he knows his behavior is hurtful and messed up...he DOES IT! Your wife is doing this. And you need to decide what YOU are worth. The person YOU want to be.

I agree with everyone above. You seem to want only the specific advise you have decided is important, and what you just wrote about having a beginners mind in the first few months...that surprises me. I have been here for your sitch since the beginning and it all seems the same. Your wife has lost her mind and will eventually see the light. Why would she? She gets her side piece OM and you taking care of everything else. Perfect! I wouldn't treat my cheating, dirtbag husband the way your wife is treating you. Why? Because I'm not a selfish person who feels entitled to only worry about me and my happiness.

You deserve better than this, you just do.

End rant