Struggling and need help #2

[job]

CB,
Don't ever think that the mlcer doesn't notice things you have done around the home or for yourself. They see it all and they may not recognize it for a long time and then there are some that remain quiet until the very end and then say something.

You've seen some positive steps. Continue as you have been doing and keep those expectations at zero.

[mizjjd]

Good morning CB!

Just checking in. Looks like things are going pretty smoothly

Remember the path is often crooked - some times does loopty-loos, so if there's a set back don't be disheartened.

Have a great weekend!!

[CharlieBrown]

The path is indeed crooked...

On it's surface, had a good weekend. Great weather, soccer game Saturday, dinner date Saturday night, went to my nephew's First Communion yesterday, and three long walks together. COmmunication seemed good, had some intamacy, nothing to complain about, right?

1. On our way home from dinner Saturday night, she is on FB. Because it is dark out, I can easily see that she is on Tat-boy's wife's FB page on the photos. Clicking through them, and several have tat-boy in them. After a minute:

me: "Who is that?"
W: "Someone on FB."
Me: "Yeah, but who?"
W: "A hairdresser at XYZ in Milwaukee."

I dropped it and she clicked onto someone else. In hindsight, I should have asked how she knew her and let it lead to a larger discussion on tat-boy. It would have been a way to get there without me brining it up outright. On the other hand, she could have gone there and chose not to. Clearly she has an obsession and I don't what to do. I have heard all of you say "do nothing" but it doesn't feel right to leave it alone.

2. At dinner, we had a really nice time, but 1/2way through some good friends of ours, who were there after going to prom for their son, stopped by our table and asked if they could join us. I really didn't want to because it was a date night, but they meant well and it would have been awkward to say no. Had an ok time with them, but it changed the evening.

3. She still doesn't seem to be really opening up. We had to miss therapy last week because of a funeral and we have it this morning at 11. Just got a text from her that she forgot a huge sales meeting at work and needs to miss it. UGH! Next appointment isn't until next Thursday so I think I am still going to go.

W is on her AD meds for 1 week now. Not sure if there is a difference yet.

CB

[TSquared2]

Hi CB,

I have heard all of you say "do nothing" but it doesn't feel right to leave it alone.

I know this seems counter-intuitive, but there is a reason to leave it be. First, if W is in MLC, the teenager analogy works really well, she is going to view you sniffing around her obsession as controlling, like a parent...this isn't going to help things, at all. Ask any father with a rebellious or conflicted teenage daughter how trying to control contact with some undesirable boy works out....there is a reason why so many here, and elsewhere, say that doing so (trying to control it, prevent it, stop it) pushes them towards the OP.

I have done it both ways during this; confronted in phase 1, and the very beginnings of phase 2, but for the bulk of phase 2 I have kept my mouth shut. It will die a natural death if you leave it alone. And it has to die a natural death for the better outcome. My experience has me pretty convinced that letting it be works better, and more true (tough as it is to wait through).

Sorry, but you can't control this, W has to come to her own conclusions in her own time. Your effort is better spent working on you and showing how the R can be/might be different, because YOU are different.

Give the ADs at least a month to start really having any consistent, noticeable, effect, if any at all.

Hang in there...focus on the good aspects you listed above. Write them down, journalling and gratitude lists have been immeasurably useful to me to be able to see changes, progress, etc...and to keep me going.


T^2

[CharlieBrown]

Thank you T. I am going to go to therapist by myself this morning (I called when W said she has to cancel and they said I still have to pay as it is less than 24 hours notice and I should come by myself) and get his perspective on the tat-boy thing as well. He knows us both and I am concerned that this is going to stand in the way of real progress, but I hear your point on the teenager mentality and definitely see this in her.

I like the gratitude list idea. I do have a lot of things to be grateful for, especially compared to a month ago.
CB

[CharlieBrown]

Just back from therapist. He said to keep my anxiety to myself at this point and not say anything about tat-boy. Said that either she will come out of it herself, or at some point later, I/we will have to confront it with her, but for now, we have made so much progress that it is better to keep going and focus on the process.

I told him that is exactly the advice I got on MWD's MLC board and he laughed, as he was trained by MWD.

Glad I went.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

W just emailed me post-therapy:

"How did it go? I feel really good about us compared to a few weeks ago. Like I said, just finally telling you how I feel has really made a difference for me!!! Sigh of relief!"

I will put it on the "gratitude list" T mentioned!

CB

[CharlieBrown]

Went on a walk last night and W talked about the usual (city she wants us to move to) and that she wants to send D9 to a day soccer camp in that city which she, of course, would have to go to that town for a week in July (like it is altruistic). I tried to affirm, but this is such a rediculous idea and I can't believe she is seriously suggesting it.

Also on W we talked about my therapy session, which was only individual because she messed up the scheduling. I told her about the positive parts, which were several, but not the tat-boy anxiety or anything negative. She said "we must be his easiest patients." Um, ok...

This morning, got a call from therapy office and they have a cancellation Thursday 4-5. I jumped at the chance and texted W:

Me - Dr. XYZ office called and they had a cancellations for this Thursday at 4.
W - I have girls night out Thursday.
Me - We'll be done at 5, what time is GNO?
W - 5
W - Plus I'm driving 5 kids to movie.
Me - Can I drop you off or could you be a few minutes late? Because we missed last week and were going to miss this week, I took it and think it is important for us to go, don't you?
Me - Didn't see the movie text. What time is the movie.

No response for 4 hours since. This to me was really unsettling and my read was that she doesn't care that much about counseling. She is a logistical genious when she wants to be, plus not getting a response. I haven't texted or called her since, any advice?

CB

[ForeverYoung]

No response for 4 hours since. This to me was really unsettling and my read was that she doesn't care that much about counseling. She is a logistical genious when she wants to be, plus not getting a response. I haven't texted or called her since, any advice?

CB

Yes, stop pressuring her into MC. It will never work until her heart is in it.

My DB coach once instructed me to act like I'm NOT working on the M. W doesn't want to work on it, she's DONE. (for now)

This took the pressure off, and guess what? She's still here, and I'm looking better everyday.

You have to think long term CB. You are not going to fix this next week or next month in MC.

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks FY. I guess part of the surprise of it is that she seemed so pleased by it and happy with the progress we are making. I thought she would be pleased with the additional session, as I said, caught me off guard. I am not going to respond to her text, we can talk about it tonight.

CB