Hi Bets....
I don't think that I ever thought Mr. W was P/A with everyone. Mine is ONLY P/A with me, and then some with d now that she is a woman/daughter. Yes, I do believe in everything you said above...my X, like Mr. W. had adoptive parents who avoided conflict (people in love never disagree, the silent treatment, holding grudges forever). His birth mother abandoned him. As an adult(but still his mother's child) his mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers and tried to kill herself..another abandonment.
I was prime meat: a nuturer, an strong minded independent woman, I was glad to 'take control' when he asked or forced me to.....Plus, I provoked the P/A coping skill when I wanted to get those white elephants out of the damned living room! I also think the P/A coping mech is internalized so that essentially our Hs are at war within themselves too. Mine loved me, but was angry that he loved me cause I was too much for him to handle.

And so it goes.....The difference is, I think, that Mr.W has shown signs that he will try to look at HIS issues honestly, so that is why I am pushing for more counseling..and making sure C has a head's up on the sitch.

Perhaps the FEAR thing is a good starting point: well, if its something Mr W and not quite fear, can we try to have a C figure out what it is...cause maybe that is a stumbling block to you coming home.

And then the last thing...I promise!!!! . My H loved this one...almost brought him home and he was FARRRRRR GONE when I said it: You want to make your home HIS soft place to fall. Yep, my H thought that was my job...and I thought it was my job too but I kinda expected that there would be some reciprcal soft arms to be MY place to fall..and my X missed that part but I think your Mr. W. might be able to handle it....
gd