Hi Bets.... I don't think that I ever thought Mr. W was P/A with everyone. Mine is ONLY P/A with me, and then some with d now that she is a woman/daughter. Yes, I do believe in everything you said above...my X, like Mr. W. had adoptive parents who avoided conflict (people in love never disagree, the silent treatment, holding grudges forever). His birth mother abandoned him. As an adult(but still his mother's child) his mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers and tried to kill herself..another abandonment. I was prime meat: a nuturer, an strong minded independent woman, I was glad to 'take control' when he asked or forced me to.....Plus, I provoked the P/A coping skill when I wanted to get those white elephants out of the damned living room! I also think the P/A coping mech is internalized so that essentially our Hs are at war within themselves too. Mine loved me, but was angry that he loved me cause I was too much for him to handle.
And so it goes.....The difference is, I think, that Mr.W has shown signs that he will try to look at HIS issues honestly, so that is why I am pushing for more counseling..and making sure C has a head's up on the sitch.
Perhaps the FEAR thing is a good starting point: well, if its something Mr W and not quite fear, can we try to have a C figure out what it is...cause maybe that is a stumbling block to you coming home.
And then the last thing...I promise!!!! . My H loved this one...almost brought him home and he was FARRRRRR GONE when I said it: You want to make your home HIS soft place to fall. Yep, my H thought that was my job...and I thought it was my job too but I kinda expected that there would be some reciprcal soft arms to be MY place to fall..and my X missed that part but I think your Mr. W. might be able to handle it.... gd
Many folks can't handle a passionate person. You're a passionate lady... and Blair and I both agree on this!
I had a really long chats with one of my best girlfriends in VA today. She commented that maybe Mr. W. has not given me the green light on making a go of things because he assumes I will take control of that path once the decision is made?
I'm thinking that her point is very valid...
So I'm taking my cue if that happens to let him lead me to the course he thinks would help us get back on track... ASSuming he says this is his choice. While I don't know that (or even suspect at this juncture), I can only hope.
Who knows? He called me a couple times on cell this afternoon--jovial and upbeat. Whatever...
If we have an alien translator, will you please come over to my thread and perform an analysis?
Oh, and we both know that heading back to MC if that event occurs is a no-brainer...
Thanks for your ever wonderful insight, Linda. You know I love you...
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
anyhoo, i have been focusing my energies of late on a guy by the name of brian tracy, who incidently was the man that wrote "eat that frog"
i have a section of his audio tapes of what he calls the "luck factor" and i have been translating (is that the word?) them from audio to written form. i have two done already and i wanted to share them with you
I've not been able to login today because I have a dead computer and have had to find another one with internet access until the tech gets here (soon).
I know it's almost time to start a new thread...
Kitti, I've seen Brian Tracy a few times. He's got a wonderful stage presence and is really motivating. I always enjoy hearing him talk... but he's second to my favorite guy, Zig Ziglar. I'll check out your links when I have some time to play.
Going to post a few before I have to get out of here.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
God must have sent you to me tonight because I feel divine intervention at work.
Computer problems at work have me beyond down... because McAfee (who I'm feeling free to slam) automatically downloaded a virus scan update on my pc and killed it. I was with a colleague most of the day, on the phone with them, and had nothing resolved by 6 pm. Missed my workout.
Then I got home, and there was my darling husband, seated on the couch next to D6--arms crossed with his usual dour expression. Note to me: What did I find attractive about that man?
Anyway, I waved and said hi weakly. Mr. Mute didn't ask. He finally walked up to the kitchen (where I was taking my coat off) and I don't know what he assumed. I apologized up front for being grumpy... because I know he tends to think only of himself and figures that he's caused my dismay.
He then asked, "What's wrong?"
I told him. And instead of getting any validation or empathy, I get the following response:
"You DO have a network backup system, don't you? Tell me for once that you back up regularly...."
I looked him square in the eye and told him that my backup procedures have been sort of lax lately because of year end crap and other more bizarre things that have popped up when I normally back up. I sighed and said, I realize that I've probably caused more computer glitches by my own neglect, and maybe one day I'll get my act together. You'd think I'd have learned by now.
He gave me a look of complete disgust and then I got the lecture about being responsible for my data and being more diligent in my backups...
Why can't this guy just validate and say wow?
This after he called me this morning, asking if he could steam clean the carpets for me on Saturday? Why is the phone our only medium for him to act like I'm worth talking to?
I did thank him for his offer, but let him know that I have the carpet cleaners scheduled for Friday... a service offered to us through D6's Medicaid program. For anyone who's interested, D6 has a thing for markers on carpets and walls... mixed in with bubble bath and antibacterial soap, it's a real piece of art.
He's so sweet on the phone and so distant in person.
What am I supposed to do?
M, I'm figuring that you are that one person tonight who's made me think about sticking in with it again. But I must say my patience is wearing thin.
Someone tell me that there is some hope here. And if there is some, how do I bridge the difference between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wonderful? What do I do about the differences in the personas he's presenting me?
And since I'm no shrink, WHY does he do this?
M, BTW, he really liked our MC, who is pro marriage and SBT therapist. But you're absolutely right about the perceived control... this is exactly what my friend suggested last night.
I had decided then that I would just ask him how he would like things to work and see what he says.
But if this a*hole Dr. Jekyll/Computer Nerd/Rocket Scientist/Part Time Parent doesn't do a disappearing act, I don't know what I'm going to do.
File?
All comments and suggestions are appreciated...
Betsey
p.s. M, I'm heading to the HRC dinner on 2/14... wanna be my date?
p.p.s. How are things going with you?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I’ll just write something quick to the tune of what we talked about last night…for documentation purposes !
Okay, in this particular case, I think that a burned bridge is actually going to serve you best. Burn down the bridge between Phone Mr. W and Physical Mr. W and fill the void in between the two so that they are one and the same. A bridge connects two things…you don’t want the TWO of them…just a more wonderful version of Mr. W.
So, remember that aliens are naturally buttheads (censoring won’t let me type the real word…we all know what that is). The aliens invade the bodies of WASs and take over their beings while they thrive. Aliens breathe conflict, irritation and anger generated by us. We radiate it off of our persons and they breathe it in. When an alien has a lot to breathe, they thrive better. When they don’t, they begin to die and we see our spouses begin to take on their own form again. Of course, the aliens take quite a while to die and whenever we offer them more to breathe they seem to find a way to come back to life. Stupid aliens. The trick here is to kill the alien dead (or get the fish to trust you…pick your analogy) by not giving them anything to feed from.
When we are certain that the alien has been wiped out, we can begin to cautiously express emotions. No one is happy ALL of the time, including our WASs and they need to learn to deal with these emotions. They may be frightened…but it is part of the process. Eventually they will learn that these emotions that we have won’t kill them and they’ll learn that their role doesn’t have to be to stop the emotion. We have to teach them how to do this by positive reinforcement. First, the alien has to die. Then, Sting and Mr. W have to learn to deal. Easy enough right? HA!
This is easier on the phone. You can be punching the life out of your pillow while you calmly speak to Mr. W. You can just not answer the phone if you feel you’re going to speak sharply to him. You can jump around the room and stomp up and down as he tells you some asinine story about his heroic efforts in cleaning his apartment after you just cleaned your ten-thousand-times-bigger-house WHILE being a mother to your girls. And, he’d never know. The alien never gets to sense those negative feelings and thus, he doesn’t get to breathe them in.
Usually when we’re on the phone, everyone is in their own comfort zone. You feel more comfortable because you know that the alien can’t sense your negative feelings as easily and he feels more comfortable because he’s in his own cave (car, cave, you get the point!). Make sense?
GO YOU BRUCE!!!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
. My H loved this one...almost brought him home and he was FARRRRRR GONE when I said it: You want to make your home HIS soft place to fall. Yep, my H thought that was my job...and I thought it was my job too but I kinda expected that there would be some reciprcal soft arms to be MY place to fall..and my X missed that part but I think your Mr. W. might be able to handle it....
!