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[makingmagic]

dorightman... I understand. Due to my work situation (we own a business together) I must leave/say good bye to my h often (sometimes 3 times in one day) with my tail between my legs... longing/missing/wanting for the life had. Some days its easier with only a few single tears, most other days I bawl my eyes out. Heartbreaking is understood.

I am GAL and learning to detach so that these emotional outbreaks happen less and less. Please try to do the same. ((HUGS))

[dorightman]

I will not have anymore emotional outbreaks. At least not in front of w or kids. I have detached enough to not do that anymore. Also, living in a separate space is helping me to detach.

[dorightman]

Thanks waitingformagic , We're in this together. Thanks for the support! (((H)))

[AnotherStander]

I can only hope that more of these good times together will change her mind, but as of now, she has told me she's done and wants out of marriage.

Good times together will NOT change her mind. Just know that and accept it, it will help you to have those good times together without attaching any expectations to them. What might change her mind is if you do 180's consistently over a long period of time and detach to give her time and space to think things through. You are so far from detachment it's crazy. You're still in full-blown clingy/ needy mode. The longer you remain like that the smaller your chances get for reconciliation!

[dorightman]

AS, thanks for commenting. I'am not acting clingy, I'am not initiating contact, texting, calling etc. just journaling my feelings.
My 180s have been:
Being present w my kids, not showing anger or emotion, not putting pressure on w, doing house work like laundry, going to therapy to work on myself, listening, not arguing, gal, not bringing up money issues, living in a separate apt, giving w time and space. Not sure what else, have to think about it.
I'am trying to detach but it's challenging. She treats me like an ex husband friend.
Says she's totally done and has been for years. I don't have much hope ATM.
Will continue to work on me.

[dorightman]

Journaling:

One month has gone by since I moved out. W and I have been getting along better, less actually, no fighting. She took down the wedding pictures in our house. She seems happy with this setup, I still pay all the bills except the health insurance.
Last MC she said she's still set on D, "her heart is looking out, not in".

I have been DBing the best I can. Not calling, texting, just responding to her calls/texts. I have been present w our kids and friendly to her, doing the best I can to keep a PMA around W.

I'am having thoughts about how long I should continue to keep things going the way they are, I guess because my patience seems to be running low as I'm not seeing any changes in my sitch as of yet. I'am also thinking about how long I have to live in this apt, I want to move back into the house.

My S6 asked me yesterday why W and I where fighting for so long? Why we're apart for so long, he wants me back in the house.

My therapist told me that he heard my W say at our last MC that she wants me to give her the life she wants and stay out of the house! He didn't say anything to her, but thought it was an inappropriate request and told me later when I had ic without her.

I asked him how long I should hang in there and his response was that my soul will let me know how long to keep waiting.

I'm swimming and working as much as possible to keep my mind off of things.

[dorightman]

Journaling:

I'm into the 3rd month of living in an apt down the road from my house.
W works full time job, so I pick up the kids from school everyday and drop them off at my house, W comes back from work, then I go to work and back to my apt to sleep.
I spend the weekends at my house with my W and kids, but mostly we are separated, W with my D and S with me.

The fighting has ended, I have completely calmed down, thankfully! I have continued to DB as much as possible, not initiating call/texts, but responding to W's.
I have tried my best to keep a PMA. I GAL by going swimming everyday and seeing friends whenever possible.

Last week we did MC together with my therapist. He listened to us talk (air our grievances), and then responded by saying that he thought we communicated better then 99% of other married couples. I was able to listen to my W tell me again that she wants a D, wants to sell the house, doesn't feel free still, wants to date and her old story of why without reacting or raising my temperature. I was able to monitor my emotions as they came up and not react! It was an interesting experience to say the least. Therapist then told W that her feelings of not being free have nothing to do with me, but that she could work through them with her own therapist.

My therapist then said he was going out on a limb and told us that he thought it would be a real shame if we didn't give our marriage a second chance based on the fact that we communicate so well, have two young children and that the parameters have changed since he first saw us last August. He said we are both two different people now, that he has seen major growth in me, and that he senses a lot of love between us.

My W's jaw dropped when he said this to us, and then the session ended.

The next day my W called me and said she felt he acted inappropriately by telling us his personal opinion. She then suggested we start to see her therapist next time.

My therapist called me to tell me that he was proud of me and how well I acted in that session. He said I couldn't have handled it better and to just continue to keep doing that. I told him what she said to me and he was really disappointed to hear that. But he said to continue doing what I'm doing anyways.

I have been reading a lot of good books on love and have been trying to get W to read them, but she says she doesn't have time to read until the summer when she's off work. This is frustrating for me.

I continue to tell myself to be patient when I feel frustrated and want to give up!

Yesterday she let me massage her because she has extreme back pain. It's been months since we've had any physical contact! Afterwards she told me she's worried that I want something (sex) in return for helping her with her back pain. I looked her in the eyes and said I don't want anything in return. (maybe a slight white lie). I do have thoughts about wanting to give/receive love, but I suppress them in an effort to learn to truly love, to give without expectation of anything in return.

I really want to move back into my house, but she says she's not comfortable with that. She said if I did, she may have to move out with the kids and that would be harder and more expensive then the way things are now.

My biggest worry is that she is cake eating. I'am confused about whether my loving/giving actions will cause her to not make any changes and this will go on forever! I don't want to be a doormat.

I have thoughts of moving away far enough that she has to deal with everything on her own so that she experiences the reality of her decisions. Right now, I'am helping her with everything, the kids, food shopping, cleaning up the house, laundry, paying 99% of the bills.

What do you guys think?

[kenva]

How did you get your w to go to mc? And by the way, that's awesome that you are.

[adinva]

Sounds like your T made a big tactical error pushing her overtly based on YOUR progress. Your W was clearly not ready to be thinking that way. Two people have to want to work on the marriage, and no one can tell her something to change her mind, she has to see change with her eyes and ears and decide herself. She now probably views your T as a mouthpiece for you.

Agreeing that inserting his opinion was inappropriate (if you think you agree) might be a way to show you are really listening to her, and switching T's if you're going to continue MC, might be a good idea, maybe a completely new one that you both agree on? I was told that once you've been going on your own for a while, they're really your counselor and not so much the marriage's.

[dorightman]

advina, I already agreed with her that his opinion was inappropriate, although I agree with him, I can understand how that might make her feel on the defensive.

more patience.....

Will consider another T for MC.