i actually thought i wrote to you before this- but it's not there . i guess i blipped it out into the universe by mistake.
oh well huh?
so I am, like you, being stuck in a place by the resentment.
how does one just pick up your buttons after so long and "move on" - just like that. blink.??? i wonder.
i guess people do it- maybe it's less painful - like jumping into the cold cold water all at once rather than slowly getting "used to it". that's probably the good news about going off the deep end really quickly and getting rite away.
oh well- that ship has sailed i guess-
i honestly don't think my h is in pain. when i read mwd book- it seemed to describe us to a t.
as i've found out (apparently) how long my h has been engaging in his e-mail love affairs - and God alone knows what is in his head and heart - it seems i may just be deluded (as usual). maybe he's a useless cheater and i'm on yet another wrong trail here.
perhaps it is not mlc at all- but just a guy that cannot be faithful when true love becomes a bit boring. i'm pretty sure real life and true love forever kind of do to one extent or another.
so here's me today- doing exactly what i criticize. having a pitiful life on line rather than in person.
reduced to this?!! coming here to "talk to someone" before i head out to work (going to the highschool & middle school today to fill in for an english teacher. third day ever substituting. )
i sincerely hope they do not find me at the end of the day tied to my chair with my head shaved.
everyone in the universe says stay right away from older kids- i can't imagine how i did not say on my application i'd do younger children. oh well- they called and i said sure- what's the worst that can happen???? it's a paycheck for a day.
i figure if i try real hard to "not show fear" - i'll muddle thru. wish me luck - anyone reading this - send out the vibes and maybe they'll help.
it's only seven or so hours- i should be able to endure that.
my creepy h wrote me an e-mail last nite- he's too "afraid" to call. he's been up to visit ow - he knows i know and honestly- i have nothing in the universe to say to him.
don't want to share any little stupid stuff about my life. as i've found out over time that he's been sharing the little daily events of his day with her- it's such a giant turn off. no matter how nice he acts and pleasant and asks me about my life and days - i'm getting frozen inside about it.
when he's gone - and he's gone ALOT - MY INSIDES just turn off and i don't want to be the jerk on the other end of the phone anymore. if he finds me so bad he doesn't want to live with me - well, that about says it all doesn't it? i hear his voice and feel bad not to pick up- but he doesn't say "hey, pick up - i want to talk to you" either.
he doesn't say anything commital about wanting to hear my voice, missing me - nothin personal. is it bad form on my part and detrimental to stay mum? he does call. am i being a b!tch or okay to go with one's feelings about this.
should I be holding out olive branches allover the place? i'm sooo bad with the strategy thing.
i have to be at work at 7:25 so i don't have to even deal with it today- won't be here or reacheable. ta da.
is anyone out there thinking i'm, supposed to be feeling something else??? i know some "VOICE OF REASON" people blip in and say wise things- or put forth some strategy - or other slant on things - . i've probably said all this fifty times over. so sorry for repetition- talk about being stuck.
how embarassing huh? to be talking about the little events of one's day and life with someone who is all in love with someone else - they think anyway?????
it's so icky i cannot even find the words to tell you all - or anything to say to him. what is on the tip of my tongue is hope it was a great _ _ _ _ because i'm sooooo done with you buddy boy. if that's the most important thing in your universe - go have it. ba bye
sorry this got long and rantie - maybe i'm a bit nervous about school- i'm outta here-. may as well go face the music.
