MLC by MIL death/daughter car accident/new job

[kml]

Some assorted thoughts for you:

1) Your H wasn't JUST a MLC, although the triggers of MILs death and daughter's accident certainly didn't help. But he was already in an affair at that time, AND he had previously had another affair with your "good" friend (some friend!). So really, he's a serial cheater with a character problem. A GOOD man who had just accidentally fallen into a MLC affair, would have at least made an effort to help more with daughter. I'm betting that if you really think about it, you'll find other past red flags about his selfishness, or possible hints of other affairs or inappropriate behavior on his part.

2) In any case, if there IS a chance of him coming home (there may not be) - but if there IS, he's much more likely to come home if he sees you GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Get fit, date, be a happy healthy success in your own life. Don't put your life on hold. If he shows back up in a year (or two, or ten), you can decide then if he's worthy of the new you.

3) Don't take everything he says at face value. Lots of exes say they want you to date - that doesn't always mean they won't feel the pangs of jealousy once they see you with someone new. But at this point in time, that would be a GOOD thing.

4) BTW, MLC depression or no, your ex is a pig for not stepping up to the plate for your daughter.

[Live4myDay]

Ok, I'm not trying to defend him but in his relation to me, he says that he cared for her on weekends while we were separated and that he made major renovations at the new house closer to his job for her to be handicap accessible. We would stay between house 3 days at the new place and return for the 4 day weekend in our established home that we gave back to bank. Which he did putting $25K into a house we didn't even own and only a small cape cod. Wouldn't listen to me that it wasn't a good fit. And I never felt turning the house over to the bank was the best option.

I also have to mention here that I did NOT know or realize that we weren't working on marriage and that he considered us separated. I would NEVER have stayed in the new house with him had I known there was OW or that he had plans with OW. I was skeptical but nothing was confirmed until after divorce was final. It came as a BOMB to me that ILBNILWY. Truly never expected this especially with our sitch.

However, he says I moved to Florida to spite him. When actually I moved for all the reason our D needed to recover. But that he actually thinks I moved for myself with no support group here leaving my family (parents, aunts, uncles, sister, etc.) with nothing is absurd!

He is too busy with his job to have been capable of caring for her. He planned to hire help. He goes out of town for weeks here and there. Seriously.

Anyway, how do I post my story in WAS. I really go back and forth on the topics, and I feel both are polar opposites on the track to repair/reconciliation. I would really like some feedback from WAS. Thanks.

[Live4myDay]

Ok so I just found out my X called and asked my D what she thought if he went to Europe on a trip with OW. Seriously? WTF!!! I know he's moved on and is completely detached from me/us. Of course my kids said it was fine and not to pass up the opportunity. Just another notch in his look how wonderful my life is. He'd never be able to do this with his wife. Geesh. OW looks like the all that everything with a bow.

And I know theres more to it. But damn it hurts like hell. The freedom that he can just take off and go where ever when ever. While I do what a responsible parent does and is here for my D. I wouldn't change that for the world! Its just hurts that's all. And I don't even matter to him.

[mac-ct]

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links with a new one.
.......

Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power

Cadet - still here and still doing good ;-). Gonna start joining in again soon!
After catching up with your library listing

Live - listen up - you've got one of the "big hitters" giving you advice.

Promise you one thing though, you're other half has his brain in overdrive, just like you have (and I had :-). Relax. Buy MWD's books. The DVD is also damn good (even available as a download).

I'll keep popping in to see how you're doing.

Hugs

Mac

[Live4myDay]

Reading Reading Reading. So much good stuff on this board. Well I never sent the card. I have for when the time is right. My D talked to X on phone today and I over heard her say "Yeah she lost 2 lbs." So he asked about me...Good right?

He doesn't have facebook (so he says) but someone always seems to update him about some of my comments. I never mention him, but somethings may elude to him. Never directly and never anything untrue or mean. Anyway, I have since stopped including him in my thoughts and postings. I've been putting up more positive things in my life...like how much I've been running and pictures of the Awesome place I go running at. And all the wonderful things that are going on or that I'm doing now.

Just planting seeds to let him know I've moved on. I haven't posted anything about dating or being out. Not ready for that mess! But my pictures that people post of me are of me laughing and having fun! Good cause I am!

I still don't know exactly when he is visiting either the memorial day weekend or the following first weekend in June. Either way I'm not thrilled. Memorial Day weekend were having a picnic at the lake with everyone from the recovery center so it'll be all of D friends and my coworkers. Not sure about him tagging along.

And the first weekend in June my D is going to participate in a surfing event! We have done this the past 2 years and its something to see! I would great if he came but once again it will be all of D friends/families and my coworkers since we are a supporting sponsor of the event.

I don't think I can avoid him this time. ARGH!! anxiety attack over this. So I'm just trying to set up the chain of events and the right conditions to show him that I have made major changes to my life... the weight watchers, the running, and of course being the person I truly am...WONDERFUL! hahah.

BTW no word on his trip to Europe although my S said that his dad is pretty excited. It'll probably be end of May and he'll choose Europe over his visit with D and say he'll visit soon...jerk!

He also mentioned to D that he's been trying to attend church while he is home. He was always involved with church and he truly is a good christian, at one time. How he can live with what he did is besides me. I always end my text or emails to him with "Find God again! You were a better man when God was in your life." Which is true. He got lost and started questioning his faith after D accident. Maybe finding God again he'll questions his own actions in life.

Any thoughts or suggestions leading up to his visit?

[~ kd ~]

It's easy to focus on things that seem wrong to us and that can cause us to stay stuck, especially when they are things that we can't fix.

The best thing you can do right now, regardless of his impending visit, is to really stay focused on your own growth and future, whether your H is part of that future, or not.

Trying to set things up so that he sees the major changes is again focusing on something that you can't control. If the changes you have made are real and major, he will notice, whether you try to set it up so he notices, or not.

Its tough, but as you continue to work on your detachment and expectations of your H, the easier it will get and there may be a point, when you think you've finally moved on from your H, that you may start to see him being more interested in you and what you are doing.

[Live4myDay]

So he's leaving for 2 weeks to spend a trip in Europe with OW. He text me Happy Mothers Day. Told him thank you and to enjoy his trip and that its kinda sad because that's what we were supposed to do after the kids went off to college and we would have our second honeymoon. Told him I meant that not out of sarcasm or anger just out of dissapointment.

He then proceeds to tell me how if I wasn't such an arrogant ass that our D wouldn't have been in accident. ??

Anyway, it opened up a can of worms...from bad to worse. I keep telling my self is this going to help or further my self. It did neither. He's still in lala land justifing leaving...listing all the rewritten chapters of our life together.

Just hurts. Hurts to see this all play out. I'm really trying with the 180 and kept telling him I'm listening. Please tell me or explain. He said I was just accusing and blaming. He had to get out of the terribly bad relationship. that's how he saw it.

Hurts hurts hurts. It's not MLC he would have regrets or some sort of remorse. He is a WAS. He is so justified in his actions. And of course his OW has nothing to do with it. It was all about me and how horrible our 21 year marriage was.

I told him that I had plans when he comes to visit at the end of the month for his visit with our D. Said he's come more oftern but that its hard because I make it difficult and the money of course. But it's ok because he sees OW 1,000 miles away using her trip miles. Seriously! And doens't have to pay for anything.

Detatch!!! I know. So hard when it still hurts so bad that he says We don't love or respect each other and haven't for a long time. Really? I told him that's how he feels. Did you ever think how I really felt. and that he never spoke about our problems or fixing them or that we even had problems. He said he gave me several chances. Ones that I didn't know about. Then I try to think and listen. And ask him why didn't you ever tell me lets fix or work on and I love you we need to do this or that. He was silent.

I don't know how to proceed. Just detach and move on. In my heart of hearts I have always loved him...I have always thought deep down inside he still did too. Just so inammered by this OW.

I'll be doing a lot more reading tonight. Maybe I'll get some insight from someone. Maybe hope or maybe listen more to what God is telling me to do. This divorce just isn't right with the world. Why can't he see that? or am I so blind?

[MrBond]

Stop interacting with him. Period. He only uses those opportunities to tear you down. Show him you're better than that.

[Live4myDay]

We go for months without interacting. Then it seems something triggers it either on my end or his such as Happy Birthday or Happy Mothers Day. Last interaction was fine Happy Easter... no problems. I was even trying to be positive and told him we (our D and I) made it safely home after driving 10 hours. Told him to enjoy the weekend with our S who went out of town to visit his sister with him. He didn't respond which is fine I didn't expect him to.

So why now does he feel the need to tear me down? Guilt because he's leaving for 2 weeks in Europe with OW? I don't know.

I feel like I have so much hope. I'll wait this out. Im ok where Im at. Im not angry at him or bitter. Just know its a phase he's going through. He doesn't realize what he's doing or done. But then after this I realize he knows exactly what he's doing...he wanted out WAS and doesn't want to look back.

I just don't know now what and how to handle things when he visits. Since I told him I have plans, my D will be upset that I won't be able to care for her if I go away. he will have to do it and she doesn't want him to. She understands our situation, but I feel guilty not helping her out. I know I shouldn't.

Then I think why not do 180 unexpected and be friendly and nice. Invite him to dinner or to drive with us for the 2 hour drive to our surf event together instead of 2 separate cars. Just get along like a family again. Maybe he'd miss it.

Probably not ready yet. Time. Patience. and Detatchment.

I agree. STOP the madness. I just drive him further away. Will this ever come back to haunt him?

[Live4myDay]

So I was just thinking...how could I ever form a new relationship with this man? Why would I with so much that has transpired...so much hurt and betrayal. Words and actions and OW that are just hard to comprehend if I could ever really love him again. The hurt and so much pain that I have endured.

I realize that to totally detach and not detach with anger and hatred for him, I need to accept that I am NOT his WIFE and HE IS NOT MY HUSBAND. Very hard that is how I have always known him. I have to make him just another man. Reduce him to the smallest principal. Part of letting go...

There has to be so much more for me than him and what he has done. How do others who have made it back together get through it? Piecing but I think there are too many pieces to the puzzle now that don't belong like his OW and his trip to Europe. I want to hate him but I have too much love in me.