Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Thanks, ruby, Papa & Tori, for your support and input!

Roller coaster day. Started w going to church w boys. Sometimes I feel most sad there as I sit alone in worship (boys go off to Sunday School), although I very rarely went to church w H in past (I used to teach SS instead of sitting in church).

Also, Mother's Day was talked about & to be honest I am feeling very sad about Mother's Day--first one since MIL has passed away. Won't be getting together w SIL since she's also going thru chemo...so another holiday NOT to look forward to. (I did call & invite FIL to our home, as I know it will be a difficult day for him as well).

So, we got home & H called to say he wasn't sure he was coming by today as he hadn't been sleeping well or feeling well & needed to do some work.

We talked for a bit and I opened up that I was having a difficult morning and he shared that he too was having a difficult time. He said he thinks that his mother's illness had more to do w our current sitch than he even thought previously.

(His EA started about 6 months after his M was diagnosed w ovarian cancer & he started pulling away/becoming distant from me and our family.)

BUt time cannot be turned back and forward to the only way to go. Based on our conversation from 2 weeks ago he feels "stuck" in limbo-either here nor there & wants to get free from this. Unfortunately he has made it clear that the only way he sees forward is w OW and to get a D (as he stated 2 weeks ago, but has not brought up again since (yet)).

Anyway I said that it was fine he was not coming over & that the boys would be okay (& they were). I also said as gently as I could that I think it's time we talk about the weekends, as it sends mixed signals to the boys that he comes here but doesn't live here.

I am ready to give up time w the boys NOT to see H at the house on the weekends. I feel like I need the physical distance from him, scheduled time to GAL w/o having to ask him if he minds staying w the boys on a particular night, and clarity of what a D will more likely be like for him & for boys (& me too).

I enjoyed the rest of the day w boys (although I did think about H a lot).

And, again, I was sort of glad he's not doing well b/c somehow it gives me more hope that he's not really sure about his decisions.

GAL plans in progress-- Boys & I are thinking of having a Memorial Day BBQ/party. Don't know whether to invite H or not. Any input about that?