When I'm not actively looking for a "partner".... I'm much more confident. I'm much more capable of being myself.
There is something in me that switches over when I start looking. I lose what usually comes naturally to me. I second guess myself. I see potential to slip into my co-dependent ways.
My best friend reminded me that I am still in recovery and just as I had to be really honest with myself and my friends when it came to triggers.. I have to be really honest in my relationships as well....
... except I don't know these folks. Who wants to say "Hi, I'm Val and when you say negative x, it reminds me of my x who treated me like cr@p for 8 years ".
I struggle with my thoughts. Part of me thinks that it's my responsible to get over it. Just as I had to work through it with my friends, I have to work through it with my dates....
... but at the same time.. I don't really want to with potential mates. I kinda just want them to be awesome and to not have to work so much from the very beginning.
Regardless - I don't think physical chemistry is possible because when I am triggered, I just want to be done. I want to run away.
So at this point, I've stopped. Now - I'm just an excellent wingman... or wing woman.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
