Hi Chris, not to burst your bubble, but maybe W is saying that, but not meaning it. Several times my H has given me lip-service that was never backed up. Prepare yourself for this! ((HUGS))
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Talked to her via text and explained that I wanted her to talk to me, that I would listen, and I would go to a therapist with her too (didn't put a timeframe on that) she responded that she though maybe we could talk Thursday night. I'm going to try and not talk about us with her the whole week, lean out, and mentally prepare for the conversation n Thursday...
What did SHE say? Seems to me that YOU did all the talking (i recognize this, as this is exactly what I did... I was trying to steer/control the outcome to what I wanted. I did not hear my H say much at all!
See my point?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Evaluate your own ability to discipline yourself against your emotions. If you're not there yet, then tell W you think her plan is great, but you'd like to have that initial conversation in two weeks, and start with a therapist in four weeks.
If you feel you've got the self-control now to STFU, then listen to what she has to say, but know that you're not going to like it. There will probably be some absolutes she gives you that will be hard to accept. Can you remove your emotions from hearing that stuff and just let it in? Can you accept that "this is how she feels" versus "this is her insisting on a reality you don't agree with"?
Reread that, Chris. It might help you make your decision.
Chris, I'm not one to usually tell or even recommend to someone what they should do, I'd rather take the approach of asking questions and letting people figure things out for themselves. With that I'm going to take an exception here, please don't get upset...
I don't think you're ready for this conversation yet. From what I've read (I think I've read everything you've posted) I'm a lot like you so I say this from experience. You're already worried about a talk that's 4 days away which makes me think you aren't ready. You'll know when you're ready.
Ask yourself this, will having this talk now, Thursday, or even next week help YOU? Like others have said, if it doesn't happen now, if your W wants to talk it will eventually happen. You have lots of time even though it doesn't feel that way. Use the time to fix yourself and make this conversation really worth it to both of you.
Personally, I think for this conversation to be beneficial the following things need to be in place (yes they're all interelated): (1) You need to KNOW you will be able to STFU and listen to her (2) You need to KNOW you have your emotions in check and have the discipline to keep them in check in the middle of a $hitstorm (3) You need to be confident in who you are (4) You need to have more distance between you and W. Going in to this talk you need to convey you're fine with your life and you know you'll be fine no matter how everything works out
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Chris, I think you are doing something I do and it really, really is counter productive.
Your anticipating the worst.
Try to listen to what Accuray and Sparton have said.
I have had sat through hard conversations with my W when I was not ready and when I was and this is what I learned:
When I was not ready:
1. When she talked, I didn't not hear her, I was thinking about what W was going to say, just waiting for her to say the worst.
2. I was ready to defend myself or try to fix whatever she said.
3. My body language was of fear and defensiveness.
When I was ready:
1. When she talked, I heard what she said, I was calm and had a plan of just letting her say whatever it was that she had to say, knowing it was what she felt and since I love her, I wanted to really hear what she had to say.
2. I listened to what she said, I validated by repeating back to her what she had said (this also helps me to remember what she really said) and then I said that must feel... or something to that effect.
3. My body language was relaxed, I was facing her, there were no distractions and I kept eye contact with her.
The difference was amazing, she felt like I really listened, she was relaxed and I think she thought who is this person?
Did it fix anything? No, yet it was one small step in letting my W know I cared about her and one small step for me that I can change.
Remember your there as her friend, to hear her and that is all.
You can do this... When your ready!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
When your wife wants to talk she will come to you to talk- drop it, make no mention of it.....If she wants ANYTHING she needs to come to you.
My experience with a MC was horrific . W twisted everything he said to fit what she wanted (She thought he said we werent compatible- thats all she needed to hear). I now use him for guidance on co-parenting.
What are your long term and short term goals for yourself? YOU FIX YOU!
Your wife needs to go on her path with no interference from you. The ONLY bond or relationship build you can work on, at this time ,is the one with your little girl.
Somebody needs to be awesome for her- It has to be you!
Fix YOURSELF!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
J - I do exactly the same thing...by nature I'm not just a 'glass is half empty guy, but the glass is half empty and it's poisoned' I need to follow what you're saying.. I know if there is ANY chance down the road, she needs to feel heard. Thanks.
PS - Thanks for the advice. I fear MC with the W. she keeps bringing it up. I fear that since she says she can't comit to workon reconciling that she will not be very open when we go. Mind reading I know, but, still a fear because she has been very methodical in all of this. I feel like we both should take more time with our own IC and see how we do. Time may lend more perspective.
My goals for me:
Short Term: - keep getting in better shape. I've lost nearly 25 pounds. - meet new people - become better at managing finances. I don't think I'm bad with money, but, W always took care of it. - most importantly - be the best Dad I can be to my daughter. She means the world to me.
Long Term: - career advancement. Reponsibilities, pay, etc - have a loving, respectful and happy relationship. hopefully with W - regain self esteem and have an active social life. - most importantly - be the best Dad I can be to my daughter. She means the world to me.
Sounds good! You stand the best chance by not trying to reconcile. The more you can keep your mind off W and limit your contact the better, because you will give her space. As Chevy Chase said, "in one model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the opposite direction"
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
