i forgot to say before- in response to your havinglooked in your h's phone and seen that he and ow are calling each other non-stop - all i can say is omg - me too. i've said same thing you do - that it's like pre-teenage girls. this guy- back a couple yrs ago- i'm wondering why he's not talking- then i realize every five minutes he's checking for a text or sneaking out in car to , what? phone? and flipping his e-mail screen. it's soooo lame and embarassing for him- i'm ashamed for him. he is clueless i'd think- but how humiliating for him (well, them) to be acting like such children. they don't even know it. . i cannot get over it. i stopped snooping rite after seeing first two e-mails- hurt me toooo much to ever want to look again.
i figured i knew the WORST - WHY would i want to do it to myself again. it's burned into my brain anyway-
i hope your weekend went okay and you're happy (ish). you crack me up with your jubilence when he leaves. at least you know your mind- i wish i did. i wish i knew (and had) what i want to replace this old life. i guess i have all the time in the world til i die to figure it out. oh well huh?
i don't think my lite is on maybe anymore. i listen to some comments to you in here - and honestly, i don't think my h is in any pain other than pain in his neck to have to know me - when he'd rather be alllll having his wonderful life in fl. i do not think i even register in his brain, heart or life as something important (at all). I'd say he is feeling nothing other than relief that i know so he's not such a bad guy (in his mind i guess) and he is just tra - laing along doing whatever entertains him most. i am not worth consideration . (this is if i take a break from thinkign there is any hope at all and make myself face the music here- it does not really seem likely to me that he will ever (come out of this). it seems like this is what and who he is and was and i just never knew & bought the "story" he fed me.
no kidding. it's sad to say out loud- maybe if i do say it out loud to you tho - i'll shame myself into taking it more seriously and fatally. i might need to "real-up" here and face possible end of life as i know it (with him in it anywhere).
i think i may be in the 25% mwd talks about that all my efforts do not make a difference. i could probably do this for rest of my life (i sure hope i do not do it) and it will only make him feel like he's "got it all".
i'm trying hard tonite to resist the hate road- i know, i sling it around all the time- it feels good to say rotten stuff and hopefully butch myself up. i'm not having alot of success. i still like pretty shoes and jewelry- damn - no butchie-girl here.
oh well - me trying to come to terms with possible failure. my h , i think, is not having a dark side and is not in pain. he's just a selfish guy who was raised alone- thinks now he's happiest alone and of course- his aloneness includes ow (s) via e-mails and cellphones that is all very fun and mysterious and forbidden fruit and alot of other desireable hooey & crappola. it is one giant game - and what other people feel is not part of his concern. it's not very flattering to think i've been so devoted to such a doofis for so long- but ther eyou have it.
this is me- being REAL. OH WELL HUH?
like you- i do not belong with this version of him. my sister keeps telling me it takes men five -seven years to realize what they've f'd up. who in heck would or could wait that long? i do not think i will be "here" in that long a time. antonia is a saint- you might be on your way. me, nope. No sainthood in the offing. i'm pretty ratty i don't want to let go- i will if forced - i won't be happy or nice about it and certainly will not think of hm fondly and wish him happiness. in fact, the reverse. i'm not as strong as you- i hear it, what you're sayin and sayin your're feeling - but i'm having trouble swallowing it all. (still) gulp gulp choke choke- sputter.....
