darth vader and i

[BFloat]

2pac.. you always have the best stories.

the kids are staying with H at his new place for the first time. i had my moment of sadness but i think i have been preparing for this moment for so long that now i feel kind of numb. at the same time, i think we're finally opening another door..

it's been a tough couple of weeks contemplating what i'm doing. H has been around doing little things. dishes.. cleaning up the front patio.. things he use to do but stopped after BD. the kids have been having a tough time. both S and D miss H but i think it's harder for S. he says he's afraid he won't see H anymore.. he's afraid he won't see me anymore.. worries that if we move he won't see H.. all these things that must be so scary and heartbreaking for a 6yr old. so one night when we were driving home.. i asked S if he wanted to call H. but he didn't want to. i asked if he wanted to see if H was home (at his new place). we ended up dropping by there and i think H finally saw how much S is hurting. because when S teared up and told him how much he missed him.. H teared up too.

i have so many things on my mind. one of which is considering a big move. one that i think would benefit S. H says if i'm moving.. he's coming too. in fact, he's been looking up job prospectives and things to do.. we use to always talk about moving.. to hawaii.. seattle.. toronto.. H would always look up stuff.. do a pros and cons list.. and in the end, i would always chicken out. because i was afraid of what lay ahead.. afraid of leaving my family..

but now when i look back.. i wonder what i was waiting for.. and today i feel that maybe i just need to take a leap of faith and just jump. but i'm wondering if a part of me is holding on to the hope that H and i will magically R once we've moved.. that scares me.

i need to focus on right now. i'm sad because the kids aren't here. but i so need a kick in the pants to get my life going. i have been wallowing in my own sadness for a while now that i've forgotten to create my own life. am i a woman only a fool would leave?