DBing European Style, part 2

[T1000]

Yeah what happened P?

[Papa4Life]

Thanks, fartlitre. I thought I posted yesterday, but apparently I forgot to hit submit.

The mediation was fairly painless. As always they asked us why we were getting a D. W said the usual stuff. Mediator asked if we both wanted a D and W said yes, and I said I initially tried to work things out, but now I'm ready to move on. There's a lot of technical stuff to arrange so it's going to take some time to get everything worked out. So! No expectations. Just keeping my focus on me.

[T1000]

Glad it wasn't too hard on you.

[Papa4Life]

S10, oops correction, S11! (where has the time gone?!?) celebrated his b-day today. We got up early (ugh, lol) and D9, that creative little rascal, had set up a scavenger hunt with tips to find his gift. That was great. Then we got the place straightened up and the in-laws, BIL and his GF came over. I'm really starting to dislike these get-togethers because everybody treats me like a terminal patient: "How's it going, hmm? You hangin' in there?" Ugh, again.

I snuck upstairs a few times and found excuses to make myself scarce. There all well-meaning, but I don't need the reminders of how everything's going to change soon.

W is pretty dead set on following the path she's chosen, and I'm looking down the business end of learning how to survive in this (still in many ways) alien place. I also feel a bit uncomfortable that our financial advisor (a guy we've used in the past but who W had much more contact with) is helping us try to arrange the financial side of the D. He says there is a chance W can keep the house, but I'm worried that it will be at my detriment. I said as much to W yesterday (in what I thought was a fairly non-threatening manner) and W seemed to bite her tongue. Next thing I know I hear her close the door to her BR and I see that the light's out and the curtains are drawn, which means another migraine. Can't help but wonder what got her so stressed out.

W also asked yesterday if I'm on drugs. Whazza-hooza, huh?!? I mean, yeah, I'm down quite a few lbs from running and eating well (the post-BD fifteen, if you will), and I smoke the odd cigarette unfortunately, and I have enjoyed a few brews with the friends during my GAL efforts. But drugs?!? Sheesh. I've never used drugs other than the usual college experience which was tame I can assure you. Don't know what gives her that impression. Maybe my detaching efforts have gone so well, she feels it could only be possible using some kind of elephant tranquilizer! I mean, compared to where I was even just a month ago I've definitely progressed. But that's all natural, baby!!

Anyway, I'm off to spend some time with the b-day boy. He's a great kid. He has a great heart, he's kind, and he makes his pop so proud every day (all four of 'em do) that my heart swells just thinking how blessed I am to have the honor and privilige of being their dad.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got something in my eye and I need a tissue. Sniff!

Oh and a great big hug from the b-day boy.

[Fartiltre]

Hi P4L

Nice to hear from you again and in good spirit. I wish I had yours. I am in my bed and besides me is D4 sleeping. We are blessed. If W were as easy to please and read all would be a joy :-)

If you ever pack up those children and drive north through germany you will find a little country. Brews are cold, grass is green and we dont do drugs here either.
I have sparebeds:-) properly one more than i would like to have in near future.

All the best from here and happy birthday to S

[Papa4Life]

Thanks fartlitre, I just might look you up if I'm ever in town.

My birthday boy is lying here beside me as I write this. I guess even big kids can't pass up a chance to sleep in the big bed when the opportunity presents itself.

Incidentally, I off-handedly asked W why she thought I was on drugs and she confirmed my suspicions by saying that I seemed really calm at the mediator and that I've been more laid back (but still really active at the same time.

Gotta love that detachment. Works like a charm.

[AnotherStander]

Incidentally, I off-handedly asked W why she thought I was on drugs and she confirmed my suspicions by saying that I seemed really calm at the mediator and that I've been more laid back (but still really active at the same time.

I don't think she meant illegal drugs, she was probably wondering if you're on anti-depressants.

Glad to hear you're doing well, keep it up! Sounds like you're doing a great job of the detachment

[Papa4Life]

Hi Stander. She didn't mean anti-depressants, because she knows I've been on anti-depressants for the past six or seven years. No, I know she meant illicit drugs, and probably because I have completely stopped the pursuing behavior.

At the mediation session, I said that while this wasn't my idea and I resisted for some time, I'm comfortable with whatever decision she needs to make if it means she can be happy. No more pressure. No more pleading and expectations.

W left this morning again for her 3 day, 2 night management course (five 'sessions' in total). The past two times, W has given me a peck on the cheek before she left and that sent me over the moon each time. Today, though, I didn't even get out of the car when I dropped her off. Not out of spite or disinterest -- just a genuine understanding that it's not what she wants, now and maybe ever. And I'm fine with that. I really do wish her well.

Today, the big kids were home with me (school vacation) and the twins went to day care. I had hoped to do something fun, but I got some work in and finances are just too tight to skip out on work when it's available (which thankfully it has been over the past weeks). Kids understood. I arranged for them to have a sleepover with the cousins tomorrow night, and that always puts them in good spirits. I took them out for dinner, which all 4 of them enjoyed, and since all of them were in a playful mood, we played hide and seek in the house and silly dance contest for good measure. They were so wound up it took 4 extra books to finally get the twins settled down enough to hit the hay. Man I love those little rascals.

So, spirits are good. Detachment proceeds apace. At the rate W is going, D will be final before we find separate living arrangements, but we do what we can. W wants to tell them about the D at the end of this month. The day after what is still technically our 12th wedding anniversary. I'm glad I've got a visit home to the States planned the following week, because I've always quite dreaded the idea of telling the kids. Still, I'm determined to help them get through this. I want to show them an example of someone who carries on with dignity and joy despite a sad situation. Everything I do now, I do for them. And I do that by also focussing a lot on me.

[in_it]

p4l, the unconditional love you are giving & showing your children is amazing. They will remember that. No matter the outcome, they will always know you did & do everything in your power in their best interest. A selfless love is a great example that you are showing them.

This is something very important to me in my sitch & I hope & pray that my girls can see it.

Good job. I also think that the timing of your trip to the states couldn't be more perfect. It will be good for you.

[Papa4Life]

So, the W came back from her management course that's more like a religious retreat for her. I'm playing it cool with her -- listened to a quick story from the course before excusing myself to get some work done, then just chatted about some stuff in the news before she headed up to bed -- and I think she has noticed, because she asks sometimes about what I've been up to.

I went out with a friend last night who is in an even less tenable situation than mine: GF sleeps in separate BR, criticizes him about his parenting of their S, he's been unemplyed and living off of dwindling savings, can't find a job, his GF seems to want to move with the boys to her mom's in a town an hour away, and on and on. I like to hang out with him because we can commisserate, but I get frustrated sometimes because he doesn't seem willing to make any 180s to improve his sitch. I think he wants out but dreads living on his own, even though that's pretty much what he's doing already in all but name.

Whenever we go out, he gravitates to any single women who will talk to him, which is what she did last night. My friend brought up my sitch and the issue of my 4 kids and D and this horrible woman just dismissed it, like, meh, everybody's got problems, or some such, after a bit more of that I got so angry I told her to €@%# off and just walked away.

She was saying that I'm just some glib manipulator who can fast talk anybody, which is so not true -- well, it's true I can talk to people by (here's the big revelation) listening and validating, but that's something I've gotten better at through DBing. I'm trying to be more connected to people and I practice that by going out and GAL.

She also called me a user, saying I was using my friend, which was pretty rich considering that I had just paid our tab AND hers, but whatever.

Is it "using" someone if you want to spend time with them? Heck, I bet I'm the only person he talks to about his sitch. How's that "using".

I dunno, I guess I have to be mindful of not putting pressure on people to give me a shoulder to lean on as I make my way through the dark forest of my sitch.

Does anyone else have experience with this? I'd be interested in any feedback or examples from other people's sitches.