My Story - Need Advice (Thread 2)

[Accuray]

Chris,

I know this can feel like harpooning a whale and getting dragged all over the ocean in your lifeboat, but you don't have to accept that. You can slow everything down if you want to. You have a lot of hurt to process, and no matter what happens, your W will not help you process that because she thinks her own hurt load is even larger than yours.

Did you read the Dobson quote I posted to cbtdad? Confidence is of utmost importance right now. You need to keep your cards close to the vest, and stop "demonstrating hurt".

I know it feels like you're drowning, so if your W offers you a little bit of rope you better grab it and hold on with everything you're worth, but that is taking the short-term view, and this is a marathon right?

Evaluate your own ability to discipline yourself against your emotions. If you're not there yet, then tell W you think her plan is great, but you'd like to have that initial conversation in two weeks, and start with a therapist in four weeks.

It is not realistic to think that she'll talk to you tonight but if you refuse she never will again. If there are things she wants to say to you, she will wait.

If you feel you've got the self-control now to STFU, then listen to what she has to say, but know that you're not going to like it. There will probably be some absolutes she gives you that will be hard to accept. Can you remove your emotions from hearing that stuff and just let it in? Can you accept that "this is how she feels" versus "this is her insisting on a reality you don't agree with"?

Therapy can be good or bad. It depends on the therapist and your approach to the sessions. The thing that stinks is it's virtually impossible to know how good your therapist is, because they don't post "win/loss" records. Several claim to be marriage-friendly, but in fact their training tells them to help you move on. The most damaging thing it can do is to encourage you to continue to talk about you, how you feel, and what you want, which will further alienate W.

No marriage is perfect, usually in a WAW situation, neither party was satisfied. You probably were not getting your needs met, but you were happy *enough*. The WAW is just the one who pulls the fire alarm first, but usually both people smelled smoke.

The point is, that if you do get together after all this pain, it better be in a scenario where W is willing to do some work to, to deliver a better marriage for you also. If you're doing all the pulling and all the convincing, what motivation will she have to do that?

Lean out, give her some space. If she does not ever come back, YOU WILL STILL BE OKAY. The closer you get to accepting that, the more attractive you will be to her.

She told you directly, you want it so badly right now it's too much pressure on her. You relieve the pressure by wanting it less.

Time will help with that. Give yourself the time you need.

Accuray