I just got reading your thread and can feel the pain wash over me allover again. I hear in you- all the things i've said and felt and keep feeling on and on (tho, happily, to a lesser degree - here almost 2 yrs after full disclosure).
Like you- 37 years together seems to have evaporated into something that either never happened or was a mistake. like someone else who wrote to you- once my h ws "outed" he became more pleasant - but still has ow stashed there in his "other" life. i hate it like mad- like you i'm a happy ole guy who had faith and was (maybe) too trusting & loving (and deluded, insane, etc.)
what i'm writing to say is - you'll make it thru somehow. i'm not "there" yet- but i feel a bit more accepting of this awful and unjust path my life has taken. sometimes i feel like you just said- sorry you ever met him. i used to think meeting him was the best day of my life. oh man- how they can jack us and our lives around - totally upside down.
your h and my h are a huge part of our lives- it's hard to just turn that off with a switch. your h sounds like mine- was completely awful- turns out mine was cheating- lying and (i guess) feeling like such a rat he has mademe "the enemy" and responsible for everything wrong in his life. mine is currently becoming (i guess what he sees as his only alternative life rite now) the guy he was at 18 or 21 or so. tennis bum, cheating jacka$$.
i'd like to say i hate him or was totally indifferent- i am not.
it hurts all the time- im hoping i'll know when the time is right to walk out of this life- out of his life. (i do need to have a job & means of support 1st)
i've been dbing for 2 years- have made it thru the fog of pain segment of the show- it took a long long time- maybe at least a year and a half? it's not pretty- you have kids and you love them and you can use that to keep you strong.
I don't pretend to know how this will turn out. my h said initially he doesn't love me and never will, we have no future, i thought i would honestly croak. really - like pain and grief could actually snuff out your life. glad to report it didn't. today he still is keeping himself in my life in a limited way. i resent it and him and it all.
HOWEVER - THERE are alot of us out here- we all want to lend our story and our support and say to you, you and me and most of us all will emerge someday from the other end of this awful part of our lives. so good luck- hang on- talk to your friends - find the ones that try and understand and not judge or talk you into or out of this or that.
talk to an attorney and then talk to another one. find a few that give free consultation- pick someone you like and trust and that hopefully has experience in this sort of law. that will make a huge difference (like dr being an expert in one field) (i ws legal secretary for 25 years - my h is an attorney) they're just people - some good some bad. find your local "mad dog" divorce guy with a reputation for ripping opposition to shreds. at least you will get full info on your rights - position, etc. you don't have to be rotten- but it's nice to know your guy is at the top of his game.
just a thought. good luck- none of us know how in the world it will all turn out- your h may simmer down once he feels in control a bit- who really could know how it will turn out for any of us - and when - and if, etc. it's such a crap shoot-
take care of you. i've develop3ed a hell of alot of patience and the ability to just keep mum when i'm about to either shout- yell, fight, whatever. that's good for me anyway- so one tiny bit of positive. it's hard to find sometimes.
try and list the good things in your life- health, sanity, kids, etc. and try to notlet yourself get dragged down too far with your ego. odds are it really is all about him - and not you at all.
