B, I can really relate to feeling good and in control one day and feeling sad and hopeless the next. I can't emphasize enough the importance of taking the necessary steps to protect you and the kids. Listen to Snodderly and others who are years ahead of you on this journey. They have the experience and clarity that you won't have for awhile.
As long as the OW is in the picture your H will have no incentive to fix himself or your marriage. They are in la la land right now. Also, OW has her own agenda and may be a constant bug in your H's ear. She is not concerned about you and the kids. Your H has told her his "story" about his life with you and she has likely validated everything he has said. He does know the truth, B, and he may have moments when he remembers who you really are and what you and the kids mean to him.
As the veteran's have said, MLC takes years to resolve. You've been at this a very short time. I'm a year ahead of you and while I am doing well on my own and am not so heartbroken anymore I am still living with anxiety over my house and finances. It's only recently that I starting dealing with all of my fears and am willing to take all of my attorney's advice. I was willing to walk away with basic necessities.That was incredibly foolish on my part. I have wasted months of time and money trying to settle the D. During that time my H became more and more selfish and his gf is starting to demand things, like a house. Neither of them cares about me and the boys. My H wants to get out cheap and his gf just wants him free. So, please, B, listen to Snodderly and take action.
Think of taking action as a 180. You've been in a holding pattern and nothing has changed. By having a plan not only will you start feeling in control again, but your H will start facing the repercussions of his choices. D is expensive and stressful. I can tell you that when I saw my H in court last month he looked like hell. He seemed tired, stressed and miserable. Prior to that I hadn't seen him in almost a year. In my mind I imagined him with a young, beautiful, carefree woman and thought he was having the time of his life. It's ridiculous that I was sabotaging my own happiness with made up images. Those thoughts kept me heartbroken and paralyzed.
Snodderly is so right about MLCers telling on themselves. My H has refused to turn over any financial records, but I have received emails from him where he lays out his whole situation. He was foolish enough to forward emails between him and a mortgage broker where he brags about how much money he has in the bank. (At that time we had agreed to refi our house together so he was providing proof that he took action.) Here's another winning move. Because my H has not changed his address I have received all of his mail (which I read and toss) including the preliminary loan documents for the house he tried to buy. Listed was the large amount of cash (tens of thousands) that he was using for a down payment. Again, never disclosed during the D. BTW, I've talked to the broker/lender who now knows that my H hasn't lived at my address in a long time - fraud! The same broker has pre-approved me for a refi loan on my own. That letter was just given to my H's attorney. He'll flip. Again, B, I didn't think I would be able to refi on my own so my fear has given my H serious leverage over me in the negotiations. I was willing to give up everything else just so he would agree to refi the house with me.
I made serious mistakes. Please learn from them. Also, listen to AJ, don't make any decisions out of fear!
B, elevate yourself immediately. You are deserving of respect and unconditional love no matter what. You deserve to have your financial needs met without worrying whether your H will be mad at you or not. They all get mad when we take action. But like AJ wrote, your H will be mad whether you take action or not.
I understand the need to figure out what happened to your H and marriage. Once you understand your part, let the rest go. Decide how you want to live your life from this point on. Who do you want to be?
"We can't go back and make a brand new start, but we can start today to make a brand new ending."
