I am a NICE shark, not a mindless eating machine.

[Underdog]

Hello everyone.

I want to thank everyone who has come by and given me the cyber hugs. I really do appreciate it. I will say that although my PMA is suffering monumentally, I am okay and just trying to navigate through these murky waters.

I appreciate the insight from everyone.

I have some news to report here. While I really need to take a break from this BB for a bit, I want you to know that I am okay. I had a very close call to eating fish yesterday. The anger that erupted was incredible and I almost found myself losing complete control with Mr. W.

Fortunately, the after effects of Saturday's posts still had my stomach upset. D6 has not been feeling well, so she crawled in bed with me and slept for a few hours (virtually unheard of), whereas D9 crawled into her fort underneath D6's bed and slept longer.

I managed to give Mr. W. a weak goodbye with a comment about his tournament that might make him think about me. Thanks, Linda. I figured that if Linda thought I don't like bowling, I better clear this up. I do! Our first date was spent at a bowling alley--I was in a league and he came to watch me.

We spent some considerable time in them, and he managed to enter some tournaments as well. After he and his buddy finished, we would head to the bar and play Liar's Dice. My comment yesterday was about Liar's Dice, and it did make him smile.

He called me after he finished. I was awake but laying in bed next to D6. I managed to have a conversation with him in a sober voice. It was all I could do to maintain some self control. Then we hung up.

I took the girls out to eat in the middle of a blasted snowstorm. It was good to get out and eat--my PBJ from Saturday had come up that afternoon, and all that was left on Sunday was bile. I discovered that I was hungry. Thank goodness the migraine had disappeared.

This morning, I felt that I could no longer hold any of my emotions in. I dropped D9 off at school, and put the earplug back in and called Mr. W. I asked him to shut his door and he did.

Then I opened the flood gates and let loose.

I told him that I was very disappointed that he had told Gary and Pam about moving before me, and that it made me so sad to be the last person on his list who matters. This was spoken in a very soft and weepy voice, so any of you who feels I was out of line, please know that my voice was low and quiet.

He started to defend himself by saying, "Well, I had to tell them to line up their help in moving." I told him I understood that part, but asked him if he felt any reservation in not letting me know first. He started into his standard PA crap, saying he doesn't know why I'd feel disappointed, etc. I merely asked him why it took so long for him to get up the courage to tell me then.

He got quiet and finally said that he knew I would be disappointed, which is why he didn't tell me. By now, I was crying hard. My eyes were blurred and the reflection against the snowy streets hurt my eyes. Fortunately, traffic was extremely slow and did not require a whole lot of thought for me.

He said quietly that he is nowhere near ready to come home.

I told him, "I know."

Then I decided to lose the rest of what was bottled inside.

I told him that I was tired... not only physically fatigued but mentally weak as well. I mentioned that it has been so hard for me to be the strong one while he went off to think.

I also told him that I hold no resentment for needing some time and space, but that I was sad, lonely, despairing and exhausted--and that I was ready to throw in the towel one way or another. I said that it has been really tough for me to remain upbeat and appearing strong 99% of the time, but I felt it was in everyone's best interest for me to do so.

D9 seems to take cues from my moods and emotions and I felt I owed it to her to keep chipper and upbeat. I also told him I knew that if she was down, he would feel guilt, which wouldn't help any of us. He agreed.

I let him know that even though I appear strong and confident, it's a defense mechanism so that I don't have a nervous breakdown. I told him I have wanted to tell him how I've been feeling for a long time, but have not had the guts to do so and watch him walk out on me. It's been very hard not receiving any support or any notice of the job that I've had to do.

He then told me that I've done a remarkable job being the single mother--taking care of the financial obligations of the family without benefit of his income (and he makes more than 2x what I make)... let alone all the moral support to the girls, making sure they're clean, fed and attending school.

Making sure that all school appointments are kept and seeing that they get everywhere they need to be without having the luxury of his help.

He told me I've done a good job, and he's always felt that.

I asked him why he's been reluctant to share that with me? I reminded him that my LL is WOA and I really need to know that. He said he was sorry and didn't know why he's been withholding from me for so long.

And then I told him about this BB and the support I've received here. He seemed surprised and then asked if this was how I met Brian? Yes, he had noticed that I have another male friend. Brian, it's totally okay! I said yes and that it's been nice meeting others who are in the same miserable boat.

Which led me to tell him what Trish said in her post. He was at first a little taken aback--he's of the opinion that if you want to offer criticism, you better give someone a solution or some choices in solving problems before you tackle it. While I totally agree, I felt hurt that the original post was said in a manner that I received as an attack. I'm through that now, and I do appreciate the message--despite its delivery.

I finally told him that the subject of being vulnerable had arisen in MC last summer. He asked, is that why MC suggested that godawful book? I said yes. And though I told him I didn't agree with most of the author's opinions, I did walk away from 2 things: that resentment is based when self care is lacking; and that there is world order established in our male and female roles.

He asked me what I meant.

I said, "Remember that awful letter your mom wrote you about me after your 40th birthday party?"

He said, "How could I forget? It was the most awful letter I've ever received and she said things about you that were not only untrue, but very hurtful."

I told him that although I had never read it (his opinion that it was not helpful), I could go on some summaries that he had provided me that were phrased in a much kinder way.

And mentioned that as much as it pained me to admit that his mother had a point, she had one. He asked what?

I asked him if he remembered the part about him doing typical female tasks in the house? He said yes, but reminded me that we had agreed upon them because we were both short on time. I asked if he really felt that way, why then were our initial MC sessions seeping in resentment?

He said, "Remember that thing you mentioned about self care? It's true for me too."

Anyway, I told him I know I could have tried harder. He didn't say anything.

I told him that I was getting closer to work and had to end the call because mascara was dripping down my face and I needed to walk through the door not crying.

He told me that he's getting close to making a decision but still hasn't made one. And then he told me again that he appreciates the hard work I've put in to keeping this messy life as balanced as possible.

I thanked him for the kudos and then we hung up.

Now I have to do a few things before heading to a Medicaid review... the time of year where they get to see progress in D6. And if there is any, they get to eliminate us from the program she's in. Since she's made plenty, I expect that avenue of funding to disappear this spring.

I'm not happy about it because it worries me about what I'm going to be doing. Am I going to be a single mom and having to put this monster house up for sale so I can afford to heat a smaller one? Is it going to screw up schools for the girls? Am I going to be a nervous wreck?

I know that living in the present will take that burden from me. So I'm here. But I have to admit that a future in more of the same is not at all appealing.

Thanks again everyone!

Betsey