I am a NICE shark, not a mindless eating machine.

[Meredith]

I want to thank Cycler for posting what she did. I haven’t read many of the replies yet, because I want to focus on the first post by Cycler. I really am grateful that she brought these points to light. Not because I agree with them, strongly the opposite, but because it seems that there are a few concepts that have been circulating on my, Pam’s and Betsey’s thread that need some clarification.

Fish are FRIENDS, not food. This has been the theme of Betsey’s past threads, and many other threads have taken the analogy as well, mine included. As we type out the situations in the ‘fish/shark’ likeness we have tended to call a few things ‘fish food’. Please keep in mind - fish food isn’t intended to be a derogatory term! Fish and sharks are different species…the fish handles conflict by running and the shark handles it by eating the fish. While both methods work fine for us, they don’t work for a fish and a shark living together in harmony. Neither method is acceptable for a fish and shark to swim as one. We aren’t considering fish to be subordinates of sharks, we are considering what would happen if we changed our shark behavior in hopes of bring the fish closer to us rather than scaring them away. The creative names that have come up are only to make the threads readable, to inspire others to laugh with us rather than consider limbo land one of dark gloom and shadows. NOT to put the fish down, NOT to hold the control in our own teeth and NOT to blast the fish’s ego. The fish does have many attributes the shark does not, and we try to recognize those.

Passive-Aggressive Behaviors. Through the threads many of us have been addressing some of the PA behaviors of our spouses. If you haven’t lived with a PA spouse, you will find it very difficult to relate to the frustrations and difficulties that one faces while living with one. Just like I thought ADD was a disease that had to be easy to manage – until I married a person with ADD. That said, we vent our frustrations about the PA behaviors here, rather than to our spouses. Not to put them down, but to VENT it out.

I also want to recap the PA behaviors that are mainly covered. A PA person will agree to do something (at times, volunteer for it without being asked) because they think that is what you want them to do. Then, when the time comes to do it – they back out. They had no intention of doing it in the first place; they just live in the moment and said what they thought we wanted to hear. Then their actions are based solely on what they want to do. Another common PA behavior is to relinquish control to their partner, then become resentful when their partner takes that control.

I hope now you see the difference between true passive-aggressive behaviors and what Betsey did with her H. If she were exhibiting PA behavior when she told her husband she would take the girls on Sunday, she would have said it without doing it. Uh, she did it…for those wondering. It also isn’t passive-aggressive to not tell someone everything that you are feeling. We call that smart.

I want you all to look at Betsey’s progress and your own. I call it progress not because I am a ‘well-meaning friend who is masking the issues’. I call it progress because her spouse is now responding to her. By controlling her responses to him, she is showing her fish that he can be around her and she will not eat him and it is working. This isn’t an overnight process…it is a long journey. Not one person has all of the answers, but I think you will all agree that Betsey’s perception in our situations has really helped steer us toward PROGRESS.

I am a self-admitted shark. I don’t mind conflict; in fact, I have been guilty of creating it in the past. I would never mask an issue, because I feel that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone. Pam, I am glad that you posted what you did about having facts straight before speaking out - it is a lesson that should be learned by all of us, and it could have saved a lot of PMA this weekend.

Betsey, GO YOU!!!! We're going to tell you that in person soon...right Pam? Or are you Louise?