Do I push it forward more, sort out papers? Show that I am willing for this to happen? I feel like i just need to let her go, but how? She is not doing anything to move it forward herself other than trying to find a magic fix for her life. The more I don't do anything the more she resents me. I feel that if this carries on we will hate each other before long.
Do you want to "push it forward"? I'm sure there are moments, like when you're crouched in the fox hole while mortars explode around you, that you'd say "YES!". But if deep at your core you don't want to move forward, then don't. Especially if you would be doing it just to please your W.
Because there is no pleasing her right now. If you went ahead and filed, she would have no trouble turning that into "Are you just willing to give up on our marriage!?!"
However, that said, you could go consult an attorney. This would serve to educate you and if your W drops another bomb you can tell her that you have seen an attorney.
If she wanted "away" that badly, she'd just go. Its not like she needs divorce papers to go out the door.
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She also told me how everybody around her is telling her to move away with the kids, make me pay, and make it work for her. Why would they say this? I have done nothing wrong!
Remember that truth for an MLCer is, shall we say, fluid? There are a couple options here. 1. Could be that nobody has said anything of the sort. 2. Could be that she has told "everybody" her current version of her life. So impressionable people might think you are some sort of monster.
It does seem clear that she's feeling panicked and trapped. What can you do to back up even further? I confess I haven't read your entire history, so if I'm being redundant I apologize. Are you still spending evenings together? Can you find somewhere to go for at least a couple evenings a week? Are you letting her initiate all contact, ie phone calls and texts?
Final words of advice. Turn up the "dim". Find more space - order it from Amazon if you have to - and give it to her. And wait. If you don't know what you want to do, do nothing. As Saint Snodderly says, wait quietly and the answers will come.
Reaching Higher's Notecard
WHAT I NEED TO DO: Back off Give tons of space Art of silence Engaged listening Stop trying to control the outcome Don't react poorly Don't try to fix him Validate him/her Let him/her find his own solutions Give him/her time Give him/her consistency Let go of needing to know why
WHAT I MAY GET: Him/Her come to me on his own Him/Her trust me
ALSO: Don't lose hope Don't think it will be a quick fix Have no expectations Recognize the blessings in my life Act as if he/she is not coming back Constantly fine tune based on current realities
REMEMBER: NO pressure about OP Maintain emotional control
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
- and give it to her. And wait. If you don't know what you want to do, do nothing. As Saint Snodderly says, wait quietly and the answers will come.
