Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Haven't written in a while but have just been reading the past couple of nights. Have been VERY busy at work and with kids' activities so time has been limited and when I get home I am EXHAUSTED.

Starting to think about summer plans for me and my boys. Made airline reservations to meet up with my whole family--me & boys only. Felt like a big decision, but necessary as H is not going to be part of the picture this summer. Living as if.

H was at the house today & I asked him if he would show me how to use the mower and the weedwhacker (as it is about time to mow the lawn for the first time).

He replied, "I was planning on mowing the lawn."

I said, "I don't expect you to do that."

He said, "I know but it's only once every 2 weeks. It's no big deal. Why shouldn't I?"

I said, "Very simple. You don't live here anymore."

The truth is I don't want him hanging around mowing the lawn this summer while I'm home. I can mow. I use to do it. Plus I really just don't want him around the house at all.

Today he was "laying out" in the sun while the boys were in the house watching tv/ playing w their ipods. It is not going to help me move forward /heal from the loss of my M if he is going to flaunt his hot bod at my home (yes, he looks great, but the point is it makes it harder for me).

I feel a shift happening within me. I don't want this life. I need to move forward too. I need to REALLY let him go. If he wants to be w OW there is nothing I can do about this. And, even if he doesn't, he clearly has shown he doesn't want life w me and our family.

I want love again someday. But, I need to heal first. In order to heal I feel I need to live a life w/o him.

I do want to be able to co-parent in a positive way w him, but I can NOT be friends w him. I do not want to know about his life w OW (when it moves forward).

Part of me just wants him to file. Part of me wants him to realize what a HUGE mistake he's made.

I wish I knew God's plan for me. Time will tell.