7 months since BD and not sure where to go next

[AM2012]

Hi again

I am in desperate need of advice. It's been awhile and a lot has happened. So after our anniversary we continued to talk a lot and things started to go well as in we stopped talking about the relationship and started to have fun again. He was coming over every day and we would hug goodbye at the end of the night. During the last 3 weeks the girls have been sleeping at my house, but seeing their dad every day made it easy. It started to feel like a family again.

So here it goes. About 10 days ago I told h I was going to take the kids away for a night to a waterpark because we were in need of some quality family time away. He said to me, can I come, but lets actually do a family vacation to either Florida or Mexico for a week. Me being in shock I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. We all need this time away. So we book a family trip.

Long story short we just got back fom a week of being in Mexico.

The trip was good. No fighting, no talk of the relationship, nothing like that. We just had fun so I thought. He mentioned mid week if I think he should move in with us after this trip. I said that I want to go to marriage counselling first because I don't want to end up back in same situation in 1 year. He agreed. Nothing more was said.

During the trip, i could tell that something wasn't right with H. He seemed happy one minute and the next he was very quiet. If I tried to touch him in a non sexual way he was not receptive. I didn't want to cause any fights so I didn't bring it up at all until tonight when we got back to my house.

I asked him how he felt the trip was. He said he thought it was ok, but found it very hard seeing couples together hugging and kissing. He said that's what I want so badly, but I can't bring myself to be that way with you. I felt devastated, even though I have known he has felt like this. He said to be with me on an intimate level just feels wrong, very wrong bevause its been so long and doesnt see me in that manner anymore. He told me he wants this work out for the sake if the kids, but nothing else. He said he trying so hard to make it work, but can't see it happening anymore as that barrier of intimacy is blocking him from making this work. He's afraid he's going to wake up in 10 years regretting staying together, but also afraid of waking up in 10 years regretting he didn't stay with me. He also said that he's not ready to walk away yet either which frustrates me to no end. This indecisiveness is eating at me slowly.

This is where things went bad. I am not making excuses for my behaviour , but being sick and just getting home did not help the situation.

So after he told me that he was only trying for the kids and that he did not want that intimacy with me, but also not ready to walk away, he said one minute he wants to be with me, the next min he doesn't.he said his mind changes 50x a second. He was hoping that by now a decision would have been made on his part, but he feels he's till in no place to make it because of how hurt the kids would be. Then well, I kind of lost it. I told him I can't live like this anymore. I said you need to make a decision to either fully committ to making it work or walk away. It's not fair for me, nor for the kids. I said you have me believing that you want this to work, but you really don't. The argument got heated, I threw my weeding ring and said if you can't make a decision, I will. I said love you and I want this wok, but I can't emotionally do this anymore. I said I will wok on the paper work to get a divorce. He said, I can't stop you, but I am not ready to sign. Ths is the last thing I want, but like I said this indecisiveness on his part is eating at me minute by minute and of course I said things I didn't mean. During the argument i told him to start dating so he can get his level of intimacy fulilled.
I told him we are going back to our custody where the kids stay at his house 2days a week and every other weekend I said let's pay this trip off together and be done with each other. He said can I call you to talk about us at some point and I said no and slammed the door and he went home. So that's how the conversation ended and now I have been crying for the last few hours over this.

Now what do I do? We have some family party tomorrow and I just don't want to go. I am angry with myself for acting like that, but I am also so angry at ths situation and angry with him. He feels he's done everything to make it work, but he just can't get that feeling for me on an intimate level. I feel that I need some space from him, but I don't what to do about any of this.