Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Wow. Thank you everyone! This forum really is a lifeline for me.

I had a great day today got a few errands done, S14 soccer game, and just hanging out with a girlfriend and her son and talking about a lot of things including sitch. I am getting ready to pop in a movie now and maybe a glass of wine!

So lot of good stuff in these post. Giving me strength and courage all over...thank you guys. Some of my favorite takeaways from these post today...
-do what is in the best interest of YOU and the children
-no matter what is done, H will feel the way he feels, which most likely be angry
-Divorce or any legal action doesn't mean that I don't love H, it is just a piece of paper
-people sometimes remarry, even after divorce.
-don't do or NOT do anything out of fear

I have learned so much about me in the last twenty four hours, more than I could even imagine...it is almost as if a weight was lifted...

The last bullet point, don't do or not do anything out of fear...apparently I have been fearing a lot more than I realized...
-I feared if I sought something legal it would reinforce to him why he was leaving. Really why should I care? It will not change anything, and really he has already left and has been gone for almost six months now.
-because of the financials, I have felt for quite some time that he has a HOLD on me and this has given me a lot of anxiety. Because he just really doesn't care about anybody but himself anymore, I learned that HE will not do what is in the best interest of me or his children at this time and maybe never. I need to seek action and take back my control...of me....and what I want....without fearing that it will push him further away.
-I need to stop worrying about whether my H will or will not come back to me. I have feared everything I do or say around him, which has been draining on me...current day H I really don't like at all...and I really need to see this H for what/who he is...which is a liar, cheater, condescending d0uch3b@g...who also turned into a horrible father, an untrustworthy friend, who is only out for himself. OW can have that...

What is meant to be will be...I am getting comfortable more and more every day with myself. I will be more than okay no matter where the chips fall, and honestly, having some of my own independence again feels kinda good right now. I can go where I want, do what I want, spend what I want (with or without my boys)...Without discussing anything with anyone or even justifying it....(wait did I just slip into MLC for a moment)...lol!

Wow! I feel even more weight lifting as I write all this.

Sorry for the long post, but this is the most positive I have felt in a long time...at least about the sitch!!! Someone is giving me some extra positive vibes today...

Good night everyone.