Don't worry Snodderly, I have my rain coat and galoshes out and ready to go. Never know when that down pour is going to happen.
And hi T and WH - it is a sight for sore eyes when I see the real H - it confirms my belief that he's in there somewhere...
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Tomorrow is S4's birthday party. I am busy tonight cleaning, decorating, wrapping. But even with me busying myself, I feel emotions kicking up.
In the spring/summer of last year, H was in full- on alien mode. His behavior was bizarre to say the least.
Last year for S4's birthday, H went golfing in the morning with xbf - I think it may have been the last time they did something together.
That afternoon for the birthday party, H was beyond strange. Didn't say two words the whole time. He sat away from everyone. The pictures from that day don't even look like him.
My sister lives out of state, and hadn't seen H in over a year. She was shocked at his appearance (he had lost a lot of weight), and even more baffled by his behavior. I remember she asked me later on - what the hell was going on???
After our guests left, H helped me clean up. He then went and laid on the couch and stared at the tv. I thanked him for helping me clean up, and he said something like, "It's the least I could do, I didn't do anything else". He then went on to tell me that he was sorry he wasn't a better father. He had tears in his eyes, but kept staring at the tv the whole time.
I told him I didn't think he was a bad father, and he told me not to say that, that he didn't want me to say anything. I can still picture everything so clearly.
On top of everything with H, I get sentimental with the boys' birthdays anyway. At one point in time, we didn't know if we could have children or not. It was painful, so painful.
We had gone through hell - too much to type, and I'm not sure I have it in me to retell everything anyway - and things looked grim for us on the baby front. I remember my H saying (out of frustration and sadness I'm sure) that maybe we weren't meant to be parents. And I told him that I didn't believe that.
The doctor had recommended that we take a break from trying. She thought I needed a break physically and emotionally from everything we had gone through. That was sometime in July 2007. On September 1, I found out I was pregnant with S4.
I believed then, as I do now, that it was a miracle. Miracles can and do happen.
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So H comes up to bed again last night. The jury is still out on whether or not this is a new trend...
He is supposedly out with his one friend tonight. I have no idea if that's true or not, I stopped trying to figure that out. When he was saying good-bye, he tells me that it won't be a late night, that he is tired. Says, "To tell you the truth, I am looking forward to coming home tonight and sleeping."
Looking into his bloodshot, tired, I haven't slept in so long eyes, I actually believed him. We will see.
Oh well, gotta get the final touches done for our Hot Wheels birthday party tomorrow!
Life is good
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
