I don't believe that anyone suggested that you get help for H.
Did I give the impression this is what I thought?
If I did, it was not intended, because I in no way thought to address H with any of this, other than to say that imho, an addiction to gambling is not actually in play here.
I don't know what exactly you think I'm denying.
I disagree with the diagnosis of H, not with the fact that there is some sort of issue there. Nor do I deny my own issues.
I simply am not interested in the suggested type of therapy. Never said it couldn't help, just said I don't find that method appealing. There is often more than one way to skin a cat...
If you can tell me, rather specifically please because it seems that I'm fairly dense, exactly what it is you think I'm denying.
Quote:
The denial throughout your posts is pretty thick. It is easy for people in a different place to see
^^ I find this rather vague
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
From the way you described it oringally Miz, I did not see your H as having a gambling addiction. There are certainly people out there who look at "games of chance" as a viable business.
Certainly though, if there's a measure of obsession (in anything) it could certainly be an addiction risk.
There's many "'holic" support groups that focus on these obsessions that have become hugely negative in these people's lives. From work to porn/sex to drugs to alcohol to work to...
My only thought is, like any sound business choice, that there are clear boundaries around what monies are used for the business and how the profits for that business are to be spent in positive ways, including wages. And... that your H has an exit strategy and "knows when to fold 'em and when to walk away".
My only thought is, like any sound business choice, that there are clear boundaries around what monies are used for the business and how the profits for that business are to be spent in positive ways, including wages.
This is his intent. However, like many business, in the early days wages are not feasible. The plan is that once there is enough "capital" to bankroll the "business", wages will be forthcoming.
Now, is it entirely possible H is blowing smoke about ever giving monies toward the house? Yes indeedy.
But there isn't much to be done about this so I don't sweat it- time will tell.
IDK if I would classify H as addiction prone necessarily (I can hear someone shouting "denial") but rather more of serial obsessions. When H is "done" with something, he's "done". I have never seen anything hold him for more than a few years.
I appreciate your input KD. I think, understandably, there is a tendency to hear the word "gambling" and presume "addiction". That doesn't happen to be the case, imho, in this instance.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
And I do think you are right about spending time trying to decide what their diagnosis is or is not. It is their behavior, the bomb and bullet, that we have to respond to, or not respond to.
Figuring out how to respond in the best way possible-- for ourselves ,for them, and for our children, is not so easy.
"My husband's not an alcoholic because he never drinks before 5 pm" "My husband's not an alcoholic because he holds down a good job" "My husband's not an alcoholic because he sometimes quits drinking for 2-3 months at a time" "My husband's not an alcoholic because ....."
Can you see how none of these statements would preclude a man being an alcoholic, but are often used as statements of denial when a codependent spouse is in denial about their alcoholism?
"My husband's not a gambling addict because he sells his plasma to fund his gambling" "My husband's not a gambling addict because he once won enough to support us for 4 months" "My husband's not a gambling addict because he has strict guidelines about stopping when he reaches his daily limit"
None of these excuses offset the fact that he is spending valuable family time, that he could be spending with his kids, pursuing the high of gambling. And it IS a high, when the gambler wins, they get a dopamine rush in the brain just like you would from a hit of cocaine.
Now yes, your H may have an OCD problem, and his history of obsessive pursuits would fit that. OCD traits just make him all the more vulnerable to a gambling addiction. He may be controlling it now (you don't know for sure if you haven't run a credit check on him, he might have run up debts you don't know about - I've seen that happen a lot in MLC). But it's a very dangerous thing for him to be doing.
Please read The Courage to Change if you won't go to Alanon.
KML, I am disappointed. I researched common symptoms of gambling addiction, and responded honestly and fully. You then took my comments out of context to serve your own ends.
Did I say
Quote:
"My husband's not a gambling addict because he sells his plasma to fund his gambling"
No, I didn't. I said, in response to a listed "trait" of addicts, that H didn't "take" money from the house.
And I didn't say
Quote:
"My husband's not a gambling addict because he once won enough to support us for 4 months"
You took this out of context about a statement that H had "quit", with no "side effects", for 9 years.
My whole point, regarding my H, is that whatever his issue is, it is way deeper than a gambling addiction. It seems, because his current preoccupation trends to a pairing with "addiction" that is what is seized upon by some posters here.
I do wonder what would have been said if I had started posting when H was developing his "health drink". Oh MizJay, he's clearly a health drink aholic...
Or golf... Or hockey... or business...
All of these things are distractions and "take" from family time. He spent just as much time, and in some cases just as much money, pursuing his other interests. This is a 20+ year behavior trend, in the balance of that he has been an "other-aholic" far more than he's been a so-called gambling addict.
But, if it serves the interest of some to focus solely on the gambling, then have at it. As if, the gambling is the problem...
Its as if, H's lying on the side of the road and some say
"Oh my goodness!! He's got a cut on his arm!!"
And I say,
"yes he does, but that's not the worst of the problem."
Tut tut say the some, "Just look at that cut! You are clearly in denial!"
Meanwhile, H is bleeding out from his severed leg.
I personally think H's issues are more pervasive, and more detrimental. I'd be relieved if it were "only" gambling. As I see the sitch, the chance of H pulling his own 180... well I wouldn't bet on it (pun sort of intended).
MissA, I would like to know the true nature of H's issues... it does make many parts of the sitch easier to deal with - and perhaps enables me to make better choices too.
I thank all posters for their time. Even if I don't agree, I am open to discourse and discussion
A couple of requests though.
And OT, you should appreciate this one... keep an open mind. Yes H gambles. That may, or may not, make him an addict. (Please please note that I'm not saying gambling is not an issue, just that I'm saying its not the whole issue, or even, to my mind, the most damaging part of H's behavior. Seriously, what kind of a father threatens their 12 year old son over a sandwich? But that incident gets no comments what so ever. Mind boggling.)
If you're going to quote me, then quote me. Don't twist things to suit your own agenda.
I will look into getting the book mentioned. Haven't read anything lately, so its probably time for me to pick something up.
Your serve
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Yes, he has deeper issues - probably OCD-based, possibly a form of mania. But of all his previous enthusiasms, gambling is the one that has the most potential to destroy YOUR life. So protect yourself by at least running a credit check on him to make sure he's not taking out credit card debt that you could get stuck with in a divorce.
Sadly, I've seen many women here who were so focused on saving their marriages, that they turned a blind eye to their MLC H's financial dealings - only to end up divorced AND financially devastated. So I'm just urging you to protect yourself by making SURE there's not more to his gambling than what you think. I've seen spouses here discover tens of thousands of credit card debt being hidden by their spouses.
I looked at a credit site... which stressed the legalities of not checking anyone's credit unless you have written permission.... I may still do this however will need to do an online report from work - when I think I can get to the printer before anyone else.
H came home early... well, earlier than I thought he would - in time for S16's track meet (at which S16 did very well and the weather was FANtastic!!) and handed me $200 from his winnings. Beats a sharp stick in the eye
Long day in the sun, feeling a little pooped. Have fastfoodland tomorrow then a meeting for Ss16 upcoming school trip to Florida. I'm so proud of them for doing this - its both a class and a trip. They had to take an extra class for the whole year (in ocean biology, at 7 frikkin am lol) and pay $1100 each in order to go on the trip. They aced the class and paid for the trip entirely by themselves )
Enjoyable things planned for the week so far.
Going to use a gift certificate my D18 gave me (for Christmas) for a pedicure
Have a GNO planned for Wednesday evening
Hope your weekend is going well
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Sounds like a good day. And a $200 bonus. I hope you get a chance to treat yourself.
The legalities of getting someone else's credit rating are complicated as are the rules for splitting debts in the event of a separation or divorce depending on jurisdiction. If you do have any concerns, especially if you suspect that he is tapping into joint funds or betting against the house, it may be worth a hour of a lawyer's time. I think you once mentioned that you do the finances so you will probably have a good grasp of what is going on.
I'm glad that you had a good day and the weather was great. But, most importantly, your h gave you $200! He must have had a good time at the casino.
I'm proud of your S16 and the fact that he took an extra class this year and is able to go to Florida. Not many kids today want to put forth the extra effort. But, look at how they managed to do this...they aced the class and paid for the trip all by themselves. Every parent should be proud of the kids for doing this...I know you are.
Sounds like you are going to have a great week and I'm glad to see you are doing things for yourself. It sure boosts the PMA to do this.
Enjoy your week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
