Oh swetie, I think I'm going to call you. Is that ok? Bets, you are very smart and have learned your lessons well. And you are open to learning more. Having a disabled child has got to be the hardest challenge in the whole world to DEAL with. I think that is the answer...you are STRONG and you have DEALT. I don't think your H is strong enough and I don't think he has DEALT. And until he does, I can't see that you and he can really HEAL..you can reconcile, you can even have a happy marriage, but until HE is willing to look inside HIM with the same degree of openess as you have done....it's just so very hard. While I know in my heart that Cycler has giving you insight into what your H is thinking /feeling.....it is impossible to figure out wwhat it is that WORKS with a damaged man who has learned to cope with life using P/A skills. The secret part of him doesn't want you to figure it out, even tho the rational part of him does. And he CAN'T . Bets, I wanted the same things from my X, I think I would have killed (someone outside the immediate family) to have gotten a hug or some attagirls, but if I pretended Ididnt' need them...he was stoic, if I asked for them he appeared glazed and disgusted...if I was competent, he secretly seethed, and when I didn't do it right, he criticized. And I dont think it is in their power to forgive or trust. The worst of it is is that they MADE us be stronger. Our will is stronger, their will is pretty weak.....and no matter what we do, we can't give up our strenght and they can't much learn to be stronger willed. That sounds hopeless, and when my sister told me this a few hours ago, I got angry. It is all just so dammed unfair. I think he and you really want the same thing...it's just that he still thinks you are the enemy and that comes from the damage inside of him. I wish we could just tell them what it is inside our hearts and that they would KNOW we were telling the truth. But I think it is like they are P/A within themselves...at war with themselves,not just us.
And I do think that if we reach them soon enough, that hugging THEM helps...being the earthmommy and not the other kind of mommy. But then the little child in us cries out, when is it MY turn, don't I get a turn? Well, I never got a turn, and when I finally QUIT and stopped being strong...he left me. Damned if I did or didn't. And yes, mine too was scared to death of ANY emotion or feeling. The final indignity is that this is a special kind of damage. And I honestly beleive that left to their own devices they decide that it isn't worth it to come back.
I know this hasn't helped you figure out WTF to do. But my best advice is that what you are doing is working, so keep doing it. But at the same time build his strenghth little by little until he thinks you think he is as strong as you. And then, little by little, let him know that your strength is becasue of him (and NOPE,not the truth that it is because he is a wimp...pretend that it is because of something he said or did long ago that made a difference).
My sister said that Jim felt that I was smarter, better, at everything and that I gave him the impression that I thought so myself. That no matter what he did, that he could never meet my expectations. So he quit. I think she's mostly right. But I asked what I was supposed to do when he closed down, esp. when something happened to our d, like when she was molested. When I took over in the emergency and then fell apart after...all I wanted was him to hug me. and when he didnt' I thought it was cause he was embarassed, so I didn't bring it up. But whether he was embarassed that he didn't act like the strong one or not, my not making him face it..but with love...was the old white elephant in the living room. A therapist told me: you enabled him to be weak, what you needed to do was to lovingly force him to grow and become a stronger man. I think the therapist was right..but I dont' know how to tell you how to do it. You have to inspire him to be stronger in some way that doesn't trigger his fight or flight (which with them is really flight or flight. ha)...So maybe along the lines of look: I am trying to be strong for the both of us while you search for the answers to your heart's desire BUT I need your strenghth alongside my strength. Together we can be strong enough to work this out. Without your strength, I don't think I can be there for our daughters. It's hard to do it alone. We can use our strenghts to fight each other or to make a stronger whole.
hell..I don't know. will that make him run for the hills? Oh Bets, you really have been the strong one, and you surely deserve to have some hugs and kisses and hey, good sex wouldn't hurt either!!!! I wish you knew a man who would talk to your H and tell him he knows exactly what H is going through BUT that H has a good woman and it is time that H woke up and took control of his life and his family and became the provider that he vowed he would be. I waited for this knight to come to MY rescue with H...paid him a lot of money to do it, and he didn't. But I can still hope that that knight exists and that he WILL come to your aid.
Ok...I am calling. If you don't want to hug, just put the phone on messages. You will be ok and you will get through this. I still am betting on this marriage to work, ok?
