Actually you know JP, I was in the dark hole and now I feel like I'm finally crawling out of it. See My guts told me for weeks actually for months about this but I ignored it. This time is different, when it's affecting my kids that's when I step in. Most will probably disagree but when I confronted the OM, I felt that I regained some of my confidence back.
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I don't think anyone will disagree with you feeling upset, especially if you believe she's not taking care of the kids the way she should.
I'm glad you are feeling more confident, b/c I think it's essential for a WAW to see it in her H.....but more so for your own sake.
IMHO, the in-house separation is not a good deal. Right now, I can't think of one case where it worked (but maybe there is). I know a bunch of people do it b/c of financial problems, but usually the LBH goes nuts b/c he's too close and seeing her live like a single woman.
The more successful cases I remember in separations are when they lived apart.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Actually you know JP, I was in the dark hole and now I feel like I'm finally crawling out of it. See My guts told me for weeks actually for months about this but I ignored it. This time is different, when it's affecting my kids that's when I step in. Most will probably disagree but when I confronted the OM, I felt that I regained some of my confidence back.
I also felt better when I talked to the OM, until my W hit the roof and I saw how far it pushed her away from me and closer to him. My guts tell me a lot, esp about when W lies, it has yet to be wrong. I trust my gut. I am separated from my W and it really does help, I was fearful at first that it was a one way road to D, but now I know I would be D now if we had not S
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
JP, I see that you separate. I think my approach will be like yours too, you know let her follow her path...in my sitch is a bit different, well as you know we're still living in the same roof so I can not allow cake eating...she's free to go but she won't go same with me I definitely will not leave the kids. But I might have to reconsider when d18 move to college which is this coming fall.
Sandi you didn't count your sitch--you're a success DB'ed while living in the same roof. So I'm moving fast. No communications for 2 days that I know of. We are talking nice considering...I'm backing off when needed so I don't pursue..I'm basically just there.
Pretty much direct approach no lovey dovey stuff from me. So today I looked for solution focused therapist. I got home and I asked her straight up "if I set up a therapy would you go?" She said yes we can try.
I figured we can try and see how it goes after the initial consultation. So tomorrow I will make an appt. Baby steps right?
Til next time, Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Jp, I thought I share you some of my thoughts. When I expose the ea to OM w I thought my w and OM was gonna go against me with full force. I was ready to handle anything they would've thrown at me because you know why? I did it for myself. Deep down I don't think I will have peace in my grave without unleashing what I had to say, and what I said is basically declaring war. But they didn't, I was really surprised! All these loving feelings they've talked about I thought I would be sweating fighting for my family.
JP, my point is if what you did is for you, don't let your W's reaction affect you. You see I wasn't thinking about what my w was going to unleash at me or the OM, i really didnt care. I know deep in inside I did it for my family.
I might be on spiral path for D soon but at least I know for myself that I did everything I could. Hang tight JP, you seem strong...don't forget to value yourself first.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Ok so the night was mellow. W is clearly in her grieving stage/withdrawals of the OM, which is expected. Every time she backslide she will go through this. The good thing is that she realizes that what she's doing is not right, she needs help, and she even says there's something going wrong with her...but with any addiction it is a battle. I understand that this is her issues to fight but I will call her out every time as long as we live together. I will not enable her A & if she wants to pursue that she is free to go. I have told her that.
It's interesting that in the beginning she is so set on getting a D looking for apartments I keep telling her reconsider and then one day I realize to let her go. Money is an issue we can't afford a mortgage and a rent. So I told her to live with her parents if she's so miserable at home and I will move with my mom. The kids keep the house we won't disrupt their lives moving from one place to the other...the kids come first. So we take turns but no now that's not what she wants.
I think what she wanted is that I move and I'm welcome to stay for the days I spent time with the kids as long as we don't do H&W stuff. So she's basically with the kids everyday. Well I don't agree with that so we are both living in the same house and the same bed.
Some hope, she mentioned also that everyday she looks at the frame with our wedding picture, and she asks herself Wth happened to us...funny because I look at that same pic and i ask myself the same thing...it made me feel good she said that maybe because she's seeking for answers as well.
Speaking of picture, for approx 2mos now I found this picture of me. I was probably late 20s in this picture. I look at this picture every morning because my W took this picture. I look at this picture everyday to get that guy back. Newman then was ooozing with confidence and testosterone, but somewhere along all this that guy left. I got to get that guy back because that's who my W fell in love with.
Anyway, there's got to be a reason why we're still together and only time will tell. Ok I'm ramblin now I got to get to work.
Good weekend everyone, Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Newman, The best advice I can give you on learning to cook is to break it down. People seem to have this misconception that if they want to learn cooking they pick A great sounding dish to make, but they haven't developed any building blocks.
Learn how to make a few banging components that are highly applicable. Then start applying them. For example: learn a great marinade for grilling meat, learn a great vinaigrette, and learn to make a delicious ice cream or other simple dessert.
With only, those three building blocks you could make a delicious and simple 3 course meal with infinite variation. Change what protein is being marinated/grilled, change what salad is being dressed, change what you put on or with the ice cream.
Approaching it like this will build your confidence and creativity. Also when you aren't stressed about the cooking you have time to enjoy the dinner and or company!
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
