Ok, here goes. My wife has recently decided that she is not in love with me anymore and not sure she ever was. I'm sure you all have heard that before. She told me she needs time and space and wants me to leave. Although she's not pushing the issue. I'm currently living in the basement and have tried to give as much space as possible. Ill be honest I have def not heeded many warnings in this relationship and to top it off this is my 2nd marriage and the 2nd time I've heard those magical ilybnilwy statement and its really tough to push past certain feelings I have about the familiarity of being here again. I love her immensely and she has my full attention but she doesn't want it. I've turned into a person I don't recognize, snooping, persuing all the things I know I shouldn't but its extremely difficult to accept that she doesn't want to be here anymore. I know it's a process just don't know how much strength I have to fight a 2nd time around with the level of commitment it's going to take. I don't wanna lose her, but this damn pride thing is kicking my butt!! Help please!! Any encouragement is welcomed. I also appreciate constructive criticism. As far as the GAL strategies Im pretty good with those. I workout 5 days a week and I'm a personal trainer and about to compete in physique competition. My issue is not being able to give space. So my question is do I leave the home or stay as long as i can and give her space and not just abandon my post so to speak??
My issue is not being able to give space. So my question is do I leave the home or stay as long as i can and give her space and not just abandon my post so to speak??
It is recommended for the LBS not to leave. Not being able to give her space is something you have to figure out, it will push her away fast, I know I was there. Post more about your sitch, ages, kids, issues in the marriage etc. Hang in there and keep posting!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thanks guys. I just finished reading chapter 6 of DR and its already been a huge boost for me. As far as the sitch goes Together 6 years M 2 years. ME 35, W 34 No kids with her. Our problems are many, i've had my episodes with entertaning other women not in the physical sense so to speak but incessant flirting and not to mention the overall problem I just honestly took her for granted. And now she is at the point where she wants to be alone. I think work has been more of her priority in this latest phase of our life and we really started to drift apart. No abuse, mental or physical. We have had lots of ups and downs the big one being the loss of my mother 3 years ago which was dfficult, comcurrently with her being overseas in a war zone for a work assignment. But like I said just the overall taking her for granted, I realized that I was so broken from my 1st M i didn't open myself completely to her because of the way the 1st M ended and now that I realize that i'm deeply in love with her she's ready to go. I have faith that it can turn around and i'm willing to give anything(in the realm of dignity) to save my marriage. We make an awesome team and I just hate to loose her over this tough time in our life that I feel we can overcome. But i'll be honest i'm scared. And this is a totally new emotion for me. I'm so used to getting my way inmany walks of my life, but i'm wearing and embracing these emotions. Thanks guys for all your help... I will continue to post.
5/3/13: Today was a half positive day. Somethings about my 180’s are working at least from my perspective. So yesterday went like this, I got home from work and came in and went straight for my luxurious basement suite! lol! I normally go right upstairs to see her but today I didn’t. I got a few things done before I was going to get out of the house for a few hours. After being home about 20 min I finally made my upstairs to grab a belt from my closet. This was the convo:
Me: Hey what’s up? W: Nothing much what are you doing? Me: I’m getting out of the house for a little bit. W: Oh ok, tomorrow i’m going to the range with some of my coworkers at 12 then after that i’m going out tomorrow night with a girlfriend. Me: ok, cool. Well i’m heading out i’ll see ya later.
I leave, only to realize I left the belt as my pants are falling down. So I go back in to retrieve my belt.
W: I just sent you a text.
I didn’t know so I checked my phone. Text said:
W: I’m going to outback to grab a salad. After I read it I asked if she’d like to go together as I was hungry and it was time for me to eat anyway. She agreed but said this doesn’t mean she has changed her mind. It was nice to get out, whille eating she brought up the M...She asked what furniture would I wanna take when I left, I said not sure I haven’t thought that far out i’m still trying to find a place. She said you know i’ve thinking since you have the kids(From 1st M) every other weekend how about I find a place, that way this is less chaotic for them. I said can we talk about this later she said yes, i’m sorry. So we finish eating. We head to sell a car and she goes with me. So while waiting for the car to be appraised we somehow got back to the M. She said I just don’t want to make to many waves especially until we know if we are staying together or not I just feel like I need complete separation from you to really see if i’ll miss you. This caught me totally off guard, I thought she’d made up her mind. She then goes on to say “look you really hurt me, but this isn’t east for me either(Crying now)” I tell her I understand but no crying we are in public. She says, look i’ll be honest you not checking up on me, texting, asking me to stay the past week or so has been a huge surprise. She told me that, over the years i’ve treated her like a kid in being overbearing and “too protective”. I simply nodded and said i understand. I told her that while I don’t agree with her moving out I understand and will be as supportive as I could be. With that she wiped her eyes and we started talking about random stuff. We finally made our way home and we gave each other a hug and I retreated back to the man cave...
Many things to take from today, I was patient and didn’t push which is a huge 180 for me so i’m just going to take it day by day...
Hiya Cl. Sorry you are here. Others will be by to offer support.
It's best in you break up your posts into paragraphs. Makes it easier to read.
Um, just a couple of things.
I know that it makes some men uncomfortable when a woman cries, particularly in public, but, saying to her no crying, we are in public, may not have been the most sensitive way to have handled that. So, maybe you might want to have a plan in case it happens in again. .
Originally Posted By: completelylost
She told me that, over the years i’ve treated her like a kid in being overbearing and “too protective”.
She gave you some really valuable information right there ^^^^^.
The goal of dbing is to become the best you and sometimes it saves marriages.
It is important, while on this journey, to look within.
So, think some more about your contributions to the problems in your marriage. Only own yours.
Think about which things about yourself you want to change. And then begin changing them. The changes have to be real and consistent and for you. If they are not, it doesnt serve you or the situation well.
Give her plenty of time and space. She needs to figure herself out. It's your job to get out of the way.
So today was not such a good day. Last night I went out to catch a movie and hang with friends. W wasn't home when I left. So here was the text convo that took place last night.
W: I'm on my way home, i'm stopping to get food would you like anything? Me: No, but thanks for asking. W: Are you going out tonight? Me: Yes i'm already out. W: With John? Me: No he was busy and I didn't hear from other friend at all. W: Then who are you with? W: Doesn't Matter.... Me: I'm with Chris W: Oh ok well have fun.
That was last night fast forward to today. She gets home from an event she had this am and wants to talk about the finances after she moves out. I'll be honest i'm not really in the mood to humor her because this isn't what I want and it def showed. So I committed the 1st transgression. I told her that I feel we can work this out without her leaving and it went downhill from there. And she got mad and said "I Told you i'm done, i've thought long and hard about this"
Now this is where everything is in me screaming then why in the hell do you continue to call and text me on my whereabouts and who i'm with? If you are done leave me the hell alone... I didn't say it but I was thinking it. We just continued to argue. Ultimately, I realized that I broke a few of my own rules but I just feel like i'm on the damn roller coaster and she is the driver and I don't like it if I can be honest. Don't know if i'm supposed to give the PC answer or not but thats how I feel. But i've been giving her space, but I feel like today was by design and I'm doing my best to stay open minded and positive without self medicating myself with a heavy dose "shut down" to her. Because over the years i've developed a kill switch that is like no other. I'm trying not to go there.
Trying to for once in my life do something a little different but i feel like im losing myself here. Anybody give me something... Who knows maybe that's what I need, is to learn patience. Damn this is tough!!!
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